J.T. Realmuto hit a two-run home run on Monday night as part of the rally that saw the Phillies come from behind and take out the pitiful New York Mets. Big moment for him, having come into the game with just one hit in the Oakland series.

Originally, I thought he had cursed himself because he’s decided to walk up to the plate to the Walker Hayes song “Fancy Like,” aka the Applebee’s song. This hellish tune was used in the commercial you saw a thousand times earlier this year and the official music video has 77 MILLION views on YouTube:

Kyle Scott, aka The Maestro, weighed on Slack, saying that this was a “good song.” I have to disagree. This song makes me want to chop off my ears off with a rusty hacksaw. It makes Nickelback look like The Beatles. I’d rather be waterboarded while listening to Bill Simmons talk about the Celtics on his podcast.

A sampling of the lyrics:

“Yeah, we fancy like Applebee’s on a date night
Got that Bourbon Street steak with the Oreo shake
Get some whipped cream on the top too
Two straws, one check, girl, I got you
Bougie like Natty in the styrofoam
Squeak-squeakin’ in the truck bed all the way home
Some Alabama-jamma, she my Dixieland delight (ayy)
That’s how we do, how we do, fancy like, oh”

Good God. It’s so cringe. There’s probably an entire sidebar to be written about the abomination that is “country pop,” but we’ll save that for another time. In the meantime, here are the terms:

  1. J.T. Realmuto must eliminate the Applebee’s walk up music
  2. if he doesn’t, he will be designated for assignment

That is all.