FINALLY, all that investing in crypto sponsorships and backing of company figureheads that may or may not actually exist is paying off.

An honor that only Sir Lucas Capetian would be proud of, the Philadelphia 76ers have been named the fifth-most innovative sports franchise in the world by Sports Innovation Lab. Scott Soshnick of Sportico delivered the news that certainly mollifies decades of pent-up rage in 76ers fans, stemming from failed playoff runs.

Josh Harris is printing this tweet out on a banner and looking for a rafter in the Wells Fargo Center to hang it:

Wow! I have absolutely no idea what any of this means! I will admit, I’m no expert on “innovation,” but the most innovative thing I can point to about the Sixers is their elite ability to demolish the hopes of their fanbase year in and year out. And they do it in such innovative ways! Injuries, excuses, terrible trades, awful roster construction, putrid coaching measures, etc. This is where they are truly innovative.

But what makes them the fifth-most innovative sports franchise in the entire world? I DON’T KNOW. There’s a large study I can download from Sports Innovation Lab that will surely answer all of my questions and fill in any gaps I may need about their criteria to write an intelligent and thoughtful post.

OR. and hear me out, there’s a minute-and-a-half video I can watch on YouTube that will absolutely not be as informative as the written study. The answer is clear…TO YOUTUBE WE GO.

Let’s see if this gives us any answers as to WHY the 76ers are considered so innovative.

“Honest” Abe Stein, head of innovation at Sports Innovation Lab, welcomes us to the rankings and promises to clear up any questions we may have about the metrics determining innovation. Good! Abe Stein is a fake name, right? It’s almost TOO innovative to be a real name for someone who is the “head of innovation” at an innovation lab. You’re not fooling anyone, “Abe.”

I dig the unbuttoned collared shirt, though. It says, “Hey, we may be innovative, but we still know how to party.”

With a soundtrack backing that would make an 80s workplace safety video proud, Honest Abe informs us that there are “three metrics” that go into determining what teams make this list. Hit me with them, Abe:

Yes yes, of course, revenue diversification!

::nods head knowingly as I look for a heavy, blunt object to cave my skull in::

It is important to diversify your revenue. The 76ers can’t just depend on swindling hard working Philadelphians out of their money every season for ticket sales. Oh my, no. They also know the importance of swindling hard working Philadelphians out of their money every season for concessions, parking, terrible team merchandise, and any loose change Josh Harris can swat out of kids’ hands and scoop up before their parents realize what’s happening.

VERY DIVERSE.

Ok, this is something the 76ers absolutely do well. No snark here. The 76ers have the best and most adaptive technology money can buy, capable of diagnosing the latest season-crippling Joel Embiid injury as it’s happening in real time and automatically charge season tickets holders the remainders of their balance before they can cancel their accounts.

What a world we live in. Now I can see why the Sixers are so innovative!

A no-brainer. You need to be extraordinarily agile to dodge questions about the organizational failures this franchise has to face every offseason and still be able to convince fans they’re worth paying money to see the NEXT season. It’s not easy. It’s definitely a balancing act that the 76ers have perfected. It’s quite the challenge to convince a fanbase to buy expensive tickets after the team’s latest second-round playoff exit and unlikable coaching staff.

But goddamn do they trick us into it every year. Well played, 76ers, you agile dogs.

Thanks, Abe. It’s easy to see why the 76ers are considered to be so innovative among their sports franchise peers. It takes a lot of work, a lot of technology, and a lot of know-how to continue to fill an arena with rabid fans when they know in their heart that they’ll be watching a second round playoff exit at best.

Good job, guys! We’re all very proud of you.

Kinkead: Manchester City is on the list? Their best innovation was throwing a shit-ton of oil money into the roster.