Lets look at some of the best and worst items from the 10th edition of the Phillies Phantastic auction.
Phillie Phanatic Hot Dog Launcher
Easily the winner. The launcher is out of commission according to the post, but what are the chances the winner throws in an extra $500 and they get all the parts? Could you imagine being the kid in the neighborhood who has a real Phanatic hot dog launcher? You’d be the coolest kid in school while also frightening your enemies. We’ve all seen what kind of damage a hot dog launcher can do:
Round of Golf for Three with Phillies Wall of Famer John Kruk
Sign. Me. Up. Pound for pound Kruker is a top-5 member of your dream foursome. The guy is an F-bomb away from a hot mic incident every broadcast, so imagine what he’s like on the golf course after a couple of beers and no cameras. The stories you’ll get by the 4th hole alone will make this a legendary round. You could spend the front nine on the ’93 Phillies team alone.
Phantastic Fantasy Football Draft Party Experience, presented by Manco & Manco
The pizza is great. Sue me. If you don’t believe me it has a line all the way to the team store on Ashburn Alley every single game. Beers, pizza, the guys, and you might learn a thing or two about tax fraud? This one pays for itself.
Mow the Outfield Grass and Grounds Crew Experience
This one surprisingly always is one of the most heavily bid on. Imagine bidding on this and your prize is free labor. I’ve never understood that. One of the conditions is “The opportunity for the winning group to watch batting practice from behind home plate before and after the groundskeeping duties have finished.” You get to watch batting practice, but after you finish your chores. What a move by John Middleton. He already went over the luxury tax and there’s no chance he’s paying for any more grounds crew people. You don’t become a billionaire giving money away.
Behind the Scenes Tour of CBP with Aaron Nola
This would be so boring. Nola doesn’t exactly jump off the camera every time with his personality. “Uh, yea, so. Here’s the bathrooms. Over there are the vending machines. This is my glove.” I don’t think Aaron Nola would be getting a job on the Big Bus Tours any time soon.
Dinner Party for Six with Phillies Managing Partner John Middleton in the Executive Dining Room at Citizens Bank Park
I always wondered if these dinners are worth it. Like what the fuck am I going to talk to John Middleton about for a couple of hours? Do his PR people give you a list of questions you can’t ask him? Because what I want to ask him he’d never be allowed to answer. I don’t want to know what he thinks of the filet. I want to know the dark secrets of the Middleton family. The suspicious death of his father Herbert or what was it like to hire a private investigator to get dirt on your own sister so she’d settle her lawsuit. Is the hair actually real? If so, prove it. Let me yank on it.