Whatever you do, do not spray-paint dicks on Jason Kelce’s car or he will find you and he will want to kill you.
Lane Johnson told a great story in Bo Wulf and Zach Berman’s article at The Athletic, titled “Jason Kelce ‘leads the orchestra’: 12 years of stories on the Eagles’ offensive line” –
Andrew Gardner: The dude did have a switch that would flip sometimes, just all the way redline. And I saw that happen in games, and he’d have to pull it back. Because you can’t be all the way redline and then make all the calls, right? But I mean, hey, football is a great place to be when you’re feeling that way. It’s the perfect outlet for all that anger.
Lane Johnson: I think before I was here, Jason Babin and them spray-painted, I think, dicks on his car or something. And then he went to every room and, “Who the fuck did this?” And went into every room and was just threatening to fight everybody.
Evan Mathis: Kelce saw it and came flying in the building at Lehigh where there was a special teams meeting going on. He was absolutely livid at the thought of the disrespect and about blew down the closed door where a special teams meeting was happening. He scared everyone in the room and some hid under tables thinking his elbow hitting the door was a gunshot. The reason the story is so memorable is that everyone in the know about the prank was scared to come forward.
I don’t know how much I believe this story. No one can be that much of a dick they would damage a guy’s car on a 6th round pick’s salary, right? Would Jason Babin really do something like that? –
Yea, he’s guilty.
Listen, I’m not saying we need a hired gun to spray paint Jason Kelce’s car every Saturday night to get him fired up, but I’m not not saying it either. He lines up against a shitload of good D-Tackles this season. When Kelce comes out to get his paper looking like Tony Soprano, I want his day ruined:
via @Eagles hype video on Facebook
We need him seeing red when he’s on the goal line across from Cam Heyward and DeForest Buckner this year.
If you want to make a difference send applications to email@example.com. You’ll also have to sign a waiver because if he catches you he’s going to kill you. At least you can say you died for the Eagles. Maybe Lurie will give your mother a posthumous ring. For that possibility alone you should want to join the fight.
UPDATE: Jason Babin checks in on the Crossing Broad IG and says it was “washable paint” and that Kelce told on him to “daddy” (Andy Reid) #WashablePaintGate. If it really was washable paint that’s kind of an over-exaggeration from Kelce, no? Also, I’m really hoping he didn’t immediately go running to Andy Reid so I’m going to pretend like I didn’t read that part. Practical jokes at camp are apart of the experience like sleds: