Magnus Carlsen, Chess Grandmaster and Friend of Daryl Morey, Loses to Opponent Accused of Cheating with Wireless Anal Beads

Magnus Carlsen on Twitter

We have a scandal rocking the world of chess. ALLEGEDLY, Hans Niemann, an admitted cheater, used anal beads and artificial intelligence to cheat during a match against Magnus Carlsen. Carlsen, who is a friend of Daryl Morey and tweets about the Sixers every so often, hasn’t lost a chess match in two years. Hans was the lowest ranked chess player at the tournament. After their match, Carlsen withdrew from the tournament with a cryptic tweet:

First things first, I don’t know how you withdraw when you lose. Unless the tournament was double elimination, it kind of feels like Magnus pulled the classic, “You don’t fire me. I quit!” move. Second, Hans is guilty. Anyone named Hans is guilty in my book. We’ve all seen Die Hard. Third, and most important – how fast did Jose Altuve and the Houston Astros put an order of anal beads in their Amazon cart just in time for the playoffs? –

Back to the Hemorrdroids –

Hans addressed the allegations of cheating and says it’s a “targeted attack”:

According to chess fans, anal beads and artificial intelligence can be used to transmit messages to the player from someone else watching, writes Anugraha Sundaravelu at the Metro:

Chess fans speculated that anal beads could transmit messages from an accomplice who was watching the game being broadcast live online and consult an AI to transmit the perfect move.

However, it’s unclear if Niemann could be beating the tournament’s anti-cheating precautions, which include a 15-minute delay in the broadcast of moves and radio-frequency identification checks.

Hans denies everything, even suggesting he’ll play Magnus again naked. There’s a post on Reddit making the rounds that insinuates Hans isn’t the only one cheating using anal beads:

TL;DR – Magnus Carlsen invented the anal bead move and perfected the technology. Hans stole the technology. Magnus couldn’t call him out on it because he was cheating too, so instead he withdrew.

I think the only way to settle this is Magnus plays Hans naked. When that happens I will be tuning into my first chess match of all time. For research purposes, of course.