Don’t Let Your Girl Get Burrelled Today

via Bird Text on youtube

Pat Burrell is throwing out the first pitch today, which means one thing, the Sex Godzilla will be in the city tonight ready to wreak havoc. This is a PSA for any guy who is in a relationship with some hot chick. Once the Phillies clinch Game 4 take your girlfriend out of the city as far as possible or she will get Burrelled:

The Machine has sex stories longer than Homer’s Odyssey. Are they real are they fake? Who the fuck cares we’ve got two hours to kill before the game:


Pat Burrell Fucked A Girl Then Shit On Her Floor


I have a bundle of Pat the Bat stories for you. It’s all secondhand Deleted Scenes type shit, but at the very least you should get some amusement out of them.

While down at West Chester University my buddy overheard a couple of girls talking about how the one recently hooked up with Pat Burrell. Afterwards he said this, “You got a camera? Take a picture, you just fucked Pat Burrell.”

A friend of a friend’s cousin apparently went out on a date with the legend on which they got absolutely shitfaced. They went back to her place and passed out. The poor girl woke up the next morning and Pat was gone, but he left something there… a steaming pile of shit.

This one is a first hand telling of the story so I believe it to be totally true. Pat was out with Chase Utley around the time when Chase first got called up. The two were sitting at a bar in Philly, Chase having some sort of mixed drink and Pat drinking a beer out of a Big Gulp cup. He was just leaning over the bar and pouring beers for himself. They leave and go elsewhere. My friend leaves with his buddy and goes to the next bar where Pat and Chase are also at. Two girls were pestering the ball players so Pat threw his drink into one girls face and Chase’s into the others. The girls were thrown out and our hero’s were brought a fresh couple of drinks.


Pat Burrell Doesn’t Buy Drinks

During the early years of his career, Burrell was spotted having a fun night with friends at 32 Degrees in Olde City. Pat, dressed in an awesomely homoerotic fish net t-shirt with a gold chain around his neck, went up to the bar to order a round of Bud Lights. After receiving a tray with about 10 bottles scattered about, The Babe proceeded to walk away. The bartender catches Pat’s attention by yelling, “Hey man, you have to pay for those beers.” The Bat stops, slowly turns around and said, “Do you know who I am?” The barkeep, confused by the question, replied, “Yeah…you’re Pat Burrell.” Burrell instantly responds back with force, “You are correct. I am Pat Burrell,” and proceeds to walk back to his table without paying for the drinks.

Pat and the Pop Tart

Not sure if you heard this one before but supposedly my buddys cousin took Pat the bat back to her place home from the bar. She woke up early in the morning to go to work so she left her number and a pop tart on the counter. When she got home she saw that the pop tart was gone but her number was still there. Pats a legend.

Pat the Bat and AJ Feeley

So basically pat used to date heather mitts whose now married to AJ Feeley. When they were all in Philly, Feeley saw Pat at a bar and went up to him and praised his career and the Phil’s. Pat started off cordial giving him the same bs back about the eagles. But before he walked away he left him with this “one more question… How’s my dick taste?”
What a legend.