Today sucks. Let’s at least make it entertaining. There’s a new site out there called Areyoupressworthy.com that calculates how many news stories would be written about you if you went missing. It’s a fun exercise to do with your friends. Spoiler Alert: If you’re a 29 year old white guy living in Philly, you’re only worth 14 stories:

 

The worst part about this is you’d only be covered by outlets like Penn Live and the Post Standard up in Syracuse. How’s the word gonna get out if more people read Crossing Broad than those two combined? I mean, thank god if my captor wants to take me to Pittsburgh, at least some Yinzer might see me in the Trib Live. But let’s be honest, please dump my body in the Monongahela before you force me to come within 100 feet of a Primanti Bros:

This is obviously bullshit. Did they calculate my influence as a local hero? I mean, I had Russ Joy run through the same exercise and he came out with the same amount of news stories as I did. If you think a Flyers podcaster from coal country like Russ and a local Tik Toker/clown like me who singlehandedly brought back Dollar Dog Night are getting the same number of news stories written about them I’ve got beachfront property in Idaho to sell you.

Did this dumb site not see the way Mike Jerrick stared into my eyeballs on Fox Good Day? If he doesn’t at least shout out the Pat Burrell/Ben Davis lookalike on his show I’ll have no choice but to haunt him from the grave:

If I do end up missing I want the cops to question Davis first. I still have yet to see any of that sweet, sweet MLB money. His kids are living the life of privilege at Malvern Prep and I slummed it at Lansdale Catholic. You owe me dad.

The second suspect? Ben Simmons:

 

P.S.: Here’s a little silver lining, in case anyone’s looking to kidnap a 27-year-old white guy from West Chester who ruined your night. The good news is it won’t even make a blip on the radar: