Of course I’m kidding about the wellness check.

But really, Britain, blink twice if you’re being held captive:


I thought Harry Kane would be the only Brit having a bad week. Can you imagine what the Eagles’ special teams group chat looks like right now? If Michael Clay didn’t squeeze this in between the middle of some punt coverage film, then this Eagles team is locked the fuck in. Because I can’t stop thinking about Covey’s wife putting him in a Baby Bjorn and carrying him around the house after practice:

Nowadays, every guy has that moment where he has to think about putting his foot down when the wife or girlfriend asks to do something he knows his buddies are going to roast him for later. As you get older you realize the move is to just take your beating from the guys because refusing to take a pic in the pumpkin patch ain’t worth the 48-hour fight that will ensue otherwise. Right now we’re roasting my buddy in a group chat because he just got married and their first ever “Holiday” card just came in the mail. Twelve years of Catholic school and the guy doesn’t even keep the Christ in Christmas. Shame.

But that’s not worth the fight. Having your wife carry you around like a sleeping toddler is nudging up against it. Not to mention the Stormin’ Mormon is taking multiple beatings left and right on the app: