…if you were born after 1996.

Kinker is an Android user. Kinker is lucky. If he was born 20 years sooner he’d be a blogger in his mom’s basement instead of his own basement. According to Ben Lovejoy at 9to5mac.com, nowadays if you’re a part of Gen Z, you could be a 10 and be treated like a leper if you are part of the green bubble bunch:

Part of the reason for Apple’s grip on Gen Z consumers is social pressure, in particular the visibility of not owning an iPhone when participating in group chats using iMessage. It’s not just the fact that the Android user’s messages will appear in green rather than blue, more that they cause the entire chat to fallback to SMS, turning everyone’s messages green.

“A green message anyone with an Android throws off the entire chat, because now the whole thing has to be SMS,” said Annelise Hillman, the 24-year-old chief executive of Frontman, a men’s grooming business. “So the social pressure to get an iPhone is pretty insane” […]

“In the back of your mind it’s like, ‘Oh my God, have to explain to my friends why our group chat is green now,” said Anastasia Pelot, a manager at YPulse, a Gen Z and Millennials researcher.

A viral TikTok video asked women to imagine a guy was a 10, then ask how his rating would drop if messages from him were green. Many said that they wouldn’t reply, or that his rating would halve.

I hate when the green bubbles screw up the group chat. It’s a Scarlet Letter that screams, “I’m a shitty person who doesn’t care about the physical and mental wellbeing of others.” Though the the green bubbles aren’t what grinds my gears the most. It’s the inability to simply like, laugh, or emphasize a text. Someone will type, “We’re meeting at 6:15.” and when someone likes it, it shows up as, “Likes “We’re meeting at 6:15.”” Two or three people start doing it because they are conditioned from years of iPhone use, and it throws off the whole aesthetic of the group chat. Not to mention the blue looks sharp. It’s classy. Blue is associated with inspiration, imagination, and freedom. Green is pond scum. Just like the people who decide to get an Android in the first place.

Android fanboys always love pointing to the better operating system or the features that Apple copies two years later. Listen dickhead, nobody cares about your fancy operating system. 99% of people need the internet, Instagram and TikTok to open up and their keyboard to work. No one cares that your phone can bend in half or has USB versatility. This is like arguing Chase Utley had a better career than Jimmy Rollins because of his leadership and intangibles. It’s just not true.

Don’t listen to anything Kev has to say in his rebuttal. If he really wanted to fight the good fight of Android he would’ve stood firm against the Apple overlords instead of selling out the minute they gave him a free t-shirt:

Editor’s note: I fucking hate everything about this post