The Eagles signed Dennis Kelly Wednesday, almost seven years after C̶h̶i̶p̶ ̶K̶e̶l̶l̶y̶ (shit it was Doug Pederson) traded him for Dorial Green-Beckham:

DGB played 15 games for the Birds while Dennis Kelly became the heaviest guy ever to catch a touchdown in the postseason:

What a hoss!

This is awesome news! Not just because we have more O-Line depth, but because Dennis Kelly was my favorite lesbian to ever play for the Eagles:

Don’t lie to me and say that isn’t who you pictured driving the Subaru Crosstrek that almost killed AJ Brown.

I blame the NFL photographer for letting this get posted. When you have luscious locks like DK you gotta let it flow. You can’t have my guy looking like a cross between Ms. Trunchbull and a lunch lady.

The good news is he found out that when you’re a big guy the beard is always the play:

via Colts team website

That’s one thing you can’t do teach your big guy friends. You need to let them figure it out that beard is always the move. A beard for the big dogs is a cheat code. You somehow go from this:

To this:

Photo Credit: Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

P.S. Can I get a re-do at that first impression, Dennis?

Don’t talk shit until you get caught up in this guy’s crystal blue gaze:

He’s like Medusa if Medusa could execute a pull block.