Beyonce is coming to the Linc Wednesday for the first stop on the American leg of her tour. That made me reminisce about the viral tour rider that leaked where she requested red toilet paper, new toilet seats, $900 worth of titanium straws, and that every worker wear 100% cotton clothing when they were around her. The original article was hard to track down because it was written in 2013. Ten years in Internet time? You might have a better chance finding Jimmy Hoffa than an article written on the Internet during the Obama Administration. But I found some references to the original Daily Star piece:

“Queen Bey is currently jet-setting around the globe for her “Mrs. Carter Show” world tour. A supposed tour rider of Beyonce’s “diva” demands” has leaked revealing that the “Bow Down” singer is very particular about what she wants while performing.

The U.K.’s Daily Star reportedly scooped up a copy of the list. What are some of the included requirements?

All crew members have to wear 100% cotton.

Alkaline water must be chilled to 21 degrees and served with $900 titanium straws.

Bathrooms must have new toilet seats and red toilet paper at every venue.

Hand-carved ice balls should be made after each show to cool her throat.”

Lets break these down:

All crew members have to wear 100% cotton

I checked and Beyonce and Jay-Z don’t have a stake in Fruit of the Loom so I don’t know why people need to wear 100% cotton around her. Regardless, this is the only demand I’d be cool with. I’ll come to work all casual and shit. Fine by me. Better than having to wear a polo and slacks and sweat my dick off in the bowels of the Linc all day.

Alkaline water must be chilled to 21 degrees and served with $900 titanium straws

21 degrees Celsius since 21 degrees Fahrenheit would be ice. So that would mean the water would sit around room temperature. I can get on board with some room temp water. What I can’t do is have Bey tell me Alkaline water is any better than regular water. Akaline water is just fancy, allegedly better, water. It’s all marketing. Something with pH balances or what have ya. I don’t know I’m not a chemist. I write dick jokes.

The greatest lie ever told is that water tastes different. Big Water is selling everyone a lie. It’s water if it’s Aquafina. It’s water if it’s from the mountains of Fiji. Water is water and if you disagree with me on that you’re no better than Beyonce barking out demands that she wants her water with alkaline. Don’t you think if it meant a slight competitive advantage Bill Belichick would have had water flown in from the taint of the Alps years ago? Give me a break with this water BS. I’ve been turned onto titanium straws lately. I refuse comment on those because I kind of like them. That little rubbery tip on the top so it doesn’t make your teeth cold? It’s a nice touch.

Bathrooms must have new toilet seats and red toilet paper at every venue

I need to get my hands on some red toilet paper. What the hell am I missing out on? All my toilet paper is boring and white.

Hand-carved ice balls should be made after each show to cool her throat

The WORST out of all of these. Some poor PA making minimum wage hand carving ice balls for a bazillionaire. That’s some Egyptian servitude shit. No job is worth hand carving ice balls. “Hand carved ice balls” isn’t a resume builder. No job is going to look at your logistical and organizational qualifications and ask how good you are at hand carving ice. Plus, I’m sure there are some freezers that do custom ice now. Bang problem solved. But now you’re fired because your only duty was hand carving the ice and a robot replaced you. Life’s tough. Grab a helmet.

Don’t get me wrong if I was an A-List celebrity I’d ask for the exact same shit. What’s the point of selling out Citizens Bank Park if you can’t play MLB Baseball 2005 on the Phillies sick new jumbotron.

Kyle’s Tour Rider in Philly:

  • MLB Baseball 2005, Madden 05, ESPN NFL 2K5, NBA Street Vol. 2
  • Five different Eagles Starter Jackets. I sold mine
  • A Jalen Hurts signed helmet filled with Sour Patch Watermelon candy and Trolli Brite Crawlers (Octopus version)
  • Unlimited supply of Allagash White (Huge Peter King vibes)
  • A buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake.
  • The whereabouts of Hip Hop
  • Dollar Dogs fired to me from the Phanatic’s cannon in the last row of the stadium
  • A pickleball court (sport of the future)
  • A copy of the Cowboys’ last Super Bowl but no VCR
  • Both Justin Jefferson and Jalen Reagor’s 2020 scouting reports
  • A karaoke machine
  • Jordan Mailata
  • TGI Fridays catering just in case Allen Iverson shows up