Michael Rubin throws a Fourth of July party every year at his $50 million Hamptons mansion. This one was the most star-studded event he’s ever thrown. You could convince me Rubin’s house has replaced Bohemian Grove for the Illuminati meeting every year. They just mix in guys like Mo Bamba and Tobias Harris to throw people off the scent because the amount of money and power in this video is insane:


99% of people aren’t ever going to sniff this party. But let’s do an exercise where you somehow weaseled your way in. Who are you going up to first? And don’t be that guy on Twitter who says they wouldn’t party with any of these people if they were invited. You’re a liar. You’re rubbing shoulders with billionaires and athletes. You can pitch them all of your dumb ideas, like Michael Scott’s Toilet Buddy. You can ask Joel Embiid why he can’t get past the second round or ask Micah Parsons what Lane Johnson is like as a father. You get to piss in Michael Rubin’s gold toilets and maybe he’ll even let you ride in the tank he got his daughter for her 16th birthday. You get to see how the other half lives for one night while getting a free concert from Dave Matthews and Usher. Don’t act like you’re not even a little interested.

Me? I’m going right up to Ben Affleck. Probably the most down-to-Earth guy at this entire thing. Look at this guy. There’s zero chance he wanted to be there. That’s a guy who just wanted to watch the Sox in his boxers all night and J-Lo made him get dressed up:

He needs someone normal at the party. He’s an uber mega celebrity, but in every interview I’ve ever listened to the Boston always comes out. Boston is Philly’s drunker, uglier, and paler cousin. We’re probably related. My ancestors were just smart and didn’t want to deal with those shitty winters so they moved south. All the dude likes to do is drink Dunkin’ and smoke a million cigs. What is more normal than that? That’s where I come in. We’d just get drunk together and make fun of every celebrity playing grab-ass with one another. By the end of the night I’d be able to convince him to show me the giant dragon tattoo on his back and we’d have to be separated as he tries to discount Nick Foles’ legacy and I tell him Clooney was a better Batman.  I’m basically living a Saturday millions of Philadelphians already do.

Kinkead: that’s Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s DAUGHTER on the left. I thought it was her for a moment.