News

Cranberry Juice is Now New Jersey’s Official Juice

By Kevin Kinkead

Published: Aug 7th, 2023 · 2:30 PM EDT

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Breaking news into the Crossing Broad newsroom:

With Acting Gov. @SenPresScutari's signature, cranberry juice is now the official state juice. Moreover, it's a treatment for the official state infection. pic.twitter.com/SKcNlBNetk

— Matt Friedman (@MattFriedmanNJ) August 7, 2023

This is big for New Jersey. I can’t believe they didn’t have an official juice!

However, cranberry juice sucks. Tart shit. Nobody drinks cranberry juice unless they have a urinary tract infection, a colon blockage, or vodka on hand. My 4 year old will drink every juice on the grocery store self shelf not named cranberry juice.

There are better juices to choose from. Orange, apple, grape, pineapple, TOMATO! NJ tomatoes. Come on man! (Joe Biden voice)

Would cranberry juice even make your top 10? Didn’t think so. Shame on New Jersey for this disgraceful legislation.

Gotta say, this guy makes a good point:

Phil! @PhilMurphy – Still can't believe that the New Jersey legislature overwhelmingly endorsed cranberry juice as our state drink, at the same exact time that @SenatorJoeCryan is trying to ban butt wipes! Does anyone in New Jersey follow the science? Resign in shame & leave! 🪠

— Jersey Jackas_s 🕳️ (@Oldglorycries) May 30, 2023

Resign in shame! I agree with Special Counsel Jersey Jackass.