I can’t have this from Johnny Hockey at Kevin Hayes’ wedding. The dance floor is packed. The DJ (Edit: That’s the legend Sammy Adams himself! I apologize to the legend, but he’s transformed into looking like a wedding DJ now.) is out from behind the booth. Why is the suit jacket and tie still on?

Did Hockey have practice in the morning? As a groomsman you have two jobs – 1) get the groom to the altar on time and 2) rage. The suit and tie come off after the last bite of dinner. Those are the rules. By that time you’re done with pictures and you’re done with dances and speeches. Keeping the suit and tie on is a slap in the face to the newlyweds. Not to mention he’s the only one on the entire dance floor who’s still in one. That’s a bad teammate. Maybe Chuck Fletcher was right after all?

You want to know how you can spot a Boston wedding?

“Is it the milky pigmentation, Kyle?”

No, you asshole! It’s everyone going fucking nuts to a Sammy Adams song from 11 years ago (Edit: again sorry to Boston’s Boy). There is no doubt in my mind Jump Around and Sweet Caroline were queued up right after this and then Shipping Up to Boston was in the clean-up spot to knock everyone home. Love this guy giving the finger for no reason at all:

Some people have the lawn mower, some people roll the dice, but Boston has jump in place while giving the fern in the corner the middle finger I guess. I feel like this is normal up there. People from Boston get anxiety if they can’t flip something off once every hour.

I gotta know if the dude with the mic is the DJ or a random groomsman (Edit: It’s Sammy Adams). If he’s a groomsman, the DJ is a beta cuck. You never relinquish the mic. That’s like a king surrendering the crown. Not because the groomsman doesn’t deserve it, but if you give it to one drunk guy, the other drunk guys are going to want it. It’s like flies to a light bulb. The power that comes with the mic is insurmountable. Not every man can handle that. You can bring the house down with Sammy Adams or shout something so offensive it’ll give grandma a heart attack.

This is what I love about weddings. Rich or poor. In a VFW or at a five-star country club. They all end the same. Drunk singing jams on the dance floor.

What’s my move of choice? A little sprinkler. A little shopping cart. I have a mean Michael Jackson spin and leg kick. With the HEE HEE to really sell it! When I pull that out of the bag you know the gas tank is almost on E. Sometimes I’ll mix in the lawn mower. Gotta imagine it looks like Aaron Boone from last night:

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