At last, as Etta James once said, the Eagles season is upon us.

Congratulations to everyone for surviving the preseason. Give yourselves a roaring round of applause and a pat on the back. We collectively stomached three meaningless games and ignored as many useless tweets as humanly possible. Now “let’s get to the business,” in the words of the immortal Jose from Norristown. We’ve got football action, yo. It’s time to defend that NFC Championship with the goal of returning to the Super Bowl, and this time finishing the job.

Here are 50 FEARLESS and infallible predictions for the 2023 Birds season:

  1. People will complain about the defense.
  2. Eagles Twitter will be absolutely fucking toxic and insufferable during various stretches of the season.
  3. The first half of the Patriots game will be UGLY, because bastard Belichick comes out with a good defensive game plan, then the Eagles figure it out and win. They cover and the under hits.
  4. Avonte Maddox will become injured at some point and miss time.
  5. Rashaad Penny will become injured at some point and miss time.
  6. There will be at least one brutal, season-ending injury to a starter (because we’ve been too lucky over the past two seasons).
  7. Jalen Hurts will throw for 4,000 yards, up 300 total from 2022.
  8. Hurts will run for 500-600 yards, down about 150 from last season.
  9. Hurts will finish top three in the NFL in red zone rushing attempts.
  10. Coggin says Hurts will have 40 combined touchdowns.
  11. Cog also says “DeVonta Smith will have more receiving yards than A.J. Brown.”
  12. They will return to the NFC Championship Game.
  13. Punting will be a blemish, covered up only by the NFC’s best offense.
  14. Special teams will again underwhelm, especially with the loss of two of the top five snap count players in 2023 (McPhearson and Bradley).
  15. Linebacker play is going to be an issue early. Nakobe Dean will be a prime topic of discussion and then figure it out a couple of weeks in.
  16. Safety will be the biggest weakness and the loss of CJGJ and Marcus Epps will be felt more than the losses at other defensive positions.
  17. Jalen Carter will win defensive rookie of the year.
  18. Carter will make people completely forget about Jordan Davis.
  19. Here’s one from Ant San Francisco: “The Eagles will have fewer wins than last season, and may not even win the division, and yet be a better team overall.”
  20. Quez Watkins will get about 50 targets and turn those into 437 yards and two touchdowns. He will have a WR3-average season.
  21. James at our NY site says “There will be some disgruntled star player everyone thinks Howie will trade for at the deadline. And then he won’t.”
  22. They will start 7-1 and then go 3-3 during that tough stretch, then win two of their final three to finish 12-5 overall.
  23. The Cowboys will find a way to choke in the playoffs.
  24. Dak throws 11 picks.
  25. The Giants have the same exact year they had in 2022. Nine wins max, but will miss the postseason.
  26. Washington will stink. Riverboat Ron is finished and Sam Howell ain’t it. 6-7 wins for them.
  27. Pagan says “Everyone will hate Sean Desai more than they hated Jonathan Gannon because the defense isn’t as good as it was last year.”
  28. Media will still not understand how zone read and RPO works.
  29. There will be a slight shift away from college-style plays as Hurts stays in the pocket and throws more.
  30. Fans will call for the Eagles to run the ball.
  31. Boston Scott will score against the Giants.
  32. D’Andre Swift will log a career-high in rushing yards, finishing with 817 on the ground and six touchdowns.
  33. Kenny Gainwell will go for 250 rushing and 250 receiving. Four touchdowns total.
  34. Marcus Mariota won’t look like dog shit as he did in the preseason. Why? Because he’ll get to play with the first team. Duh.
  35. Haason Reddick: 14 sacks, 24 quarterback hits, 10 tackles for loss, three forced fumbles. Another excellent year, just slight dips across the board starting out with the thumb injury.
  36. Slay will look like Champ Bailey through the first eight games, then he’ll look like Izel Jenkins for 1.5 games and then finish the season looking like 2017 Jalen Mills.
  37. MILTON WILLIAMS will have a great season.
  38. Jonathan Gannon will become the new Carson Wentz and Ben Simmons. Every dumb thing that happens in Arizona will result in mocking tweets from Eagles fans and media.
  39. Shane Steichen’s Colts won’t be much better than Gannon’s Cardinals. They will be lucky to win five games.
  40. I’ve got Zach Berman, Jeff McLane, and John McMullen finishing in a three-way tie for most questions asked at press conferences.
  41. When a player goes down injured during a game, all of the beat reporters will tweet the update at the same time.
  42. Jalen Hurts will shut down a completely innocuous and legitimate question and then fans will get on Twitter and say “yeah! the media sucks!“
  43. Some nothing burger story will be blown completely out of proportion (this has a chance to happen 5-7 times).
  44. Big Dom will continue his meteoric rise to the top. By the end of the season, he puts himself on the Mount Rushmore of non-player Philly sports figures.
  45. Jake Elliott will quietly have a Pro Bowl-worthy season.
  46. Cam Jurgens at right guard will not be an issue. We will completely forget about it three plays into the Patriots game.
  47. The Eagles will send seven players to the Pro Bowl: Hurts, Kelce, Johnson, Reddick, A.J. Brown, and first-timers Josh Sweat and Jalen Carter. DeVonta Smith and Jordan Mailata will be alternates.
  48. Nolan Smith will have a solid year, but will require a few games to get going. He’ll be the victim of too much fan and media preseason hype.
  49. Derek Barnett will lead the Eagles in 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.
  50. We see a more angry/less goofy Nick Sirianni this year.

Let’s have a great season and go Birds.