News

The Vespa Vigilante is 60 Miles-Per-Gallon of Powder Blue Weaponry

By Kyle Pagan

Published: Sep 12th, 2023 · 1:16 PM EDT

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Times up, Danelo. They’re calling in the big guns:

Armed man on powered blue scooter on the hunt for #DaneloCavalcante near the search zone in Chester County. 📸Tom Beck @FOX29philly pic.twitter.com/8LJZtz12OK

— Chris O’Connell (@CoconnellFox29) September 12, 2023

This could very well be the chillest dude ever! Is he sightseeing around Venice or is he looking for a cold-blooded killer? Who knows? All he heard was there is a $25k reward and this Vespa ain’t going to pay for itself. He’s been cooped up in the house for the last two weeks listening to his wife bitch about the kids being home from school. Someone’s getting a bullet.

Gun? Check. Shades? Check. Boat shoes with no laces? Check. Not all heroes wear capes. Sometimes they wear tactical vests that don’t fit over their gut.

P.S. How far away are we from letting West Chester students join in on the hunt? There’s gotta be a couple students looking to pay off some loans, cause that government forgiveness ain’t coming any time soon. I’m sure there’s some frat bros hopped up on C4 and the feeling of invincibility. Instead of flipping over cars, send them into the woods to flush him out. Give them a gun. Can’t be worse than Yosemite Sam shooting at God knows what:

A homeowner confronted Danelo Cavalcante, an escaped convict from Chester County Prison, firing seven shots after Cavalcante stole a rifle from his house. As the manhunt for Cavalcante goes on, the authorities are urging South Coventry locals to lock their windows and doors. pic.twitter.com/RRMAY2TIsa

— Lounge Digest (@loungedigest) September 12, 2023