The defense was ass for two quarters, but the offense was ass for four quarters. Let’s go to the takeaways!

1) There’s no way Carrie Underwood waited all day to watch this horse shit.

2) The opening Dallas drive was a big joke. 10 plays, 75 yards, touchdown. Three for three on third down. They ran it 5 times for 45 yards and nobody could get close to Dak. Nobody could tackle.

3) Not gonna complain about flags, since everybody holds on every play, but agree with Ross on this:

4) Anybody else notice that even after Micah Parsons pushed Lane Johnson’s chinstrap over his eyes, Lane still held his ground? Titanic battled between the two of them all night long.

5) Dallas Goedert on a little 10-yard in route? They were desperately missing that. They got him on the second drive on that little tunnel/middle screen, which was also absent from the playbook the last few weeks.

6) Two pre-snap offensive line penalties on the first Eagles drive. If it wasn’t for Jalen Hurts converting on 3rd and 16 they would have had to punt from midfield.

7) They still have issues running pick plays. That’s twice now in a couple of weeks that both A.J Brown and DeVonta Smith have been called for not doing a good enough job of selling the screens. Meantime, Dallas runs it to perfection for an easy touchdown.

8) Not much to say about the Hurts fumble. Just got stripped. 8th fumble of the year. He’s coughed it up 7 games in a row. He’s been really bad in that area this season.

9) Eagles get Dallas in 3rd and long on the second drive, then give up a 26-yard pass. Four-man rush again, nobody close to Dak. Their first 3rd down “stop” of the game was Dak failing to hit a wide-open Michael Gallup.

10) The Darius Slay “pass interference” on 3rd and 17 was fucking infuriating considering that Dak threw a worm burner into the ground anyway. It wasn’t going to be caught. Then they follow it up with another holding on Dallas as what, a make up call? Eight penalties in the first quarter was beyond ridiculous. Nobody tuned in to see penalty flags and commercials.

11) Credit to Mike McCarthy for trying a 60-yard field goal in the first quarter. Why not? He went for it on 4th and 2 earlier. His team is at home and playing indoors on turf. He came out aggressive and stuck to it.

12) Brandon Aubrey played for the Union’s second division team, Bethlehem Steel. He’s a fucking traitor:

13) The fake punt! My God was that a huge play. One of the only fun plays during the entirety of this gong show. 28 yards to keep the ball and move into Dallas territory. Of course, they followed it up immediately with a first down loss, but yeah.

14) That 3rd and 5 pass for A.J. Brown was right in the bread basket. He should have done a lot better. Kind of half-assed his first target, too, which was up the sideline on the first drive. Didn’t really reach for it.

15) Dak saying “here we go” before every snap makes me want to hang myself with piano wire.

16) Not sure why Dallas didn’t just sneak it at the goal line before Rico Dowdle got in. They tried throwing for Turd Ferguson when they could have just rammed it in.

17) Offense really blew the drive before halftime with that 2nd down sack. Can’t put yourself in 3rd and long in that position. They send pressure on 3rd and Jake Elliott had to come out to kick again. They’ve really regressed to what we saw earlier in the year, when they couldn’t do anything in the red zone.

18) Kelee Ringo committing two penalties on the same play was new. Also, for whatever reason, Sean Desai had Haason Reddick lined up at DT, but he didn’t rush the QB. He just held up like he was spying Dak, or… something.

19) This is embarrassing. A total abomination of a Dallas drive before halftime to make it 24 to 6:

20) Lovely A.J. Brown fumble to start the second half! The defense came back with an ultra-rare stop, which breathed a little bit of life into the game, then another crap offensive drive followed by this:

Alright listen, that was cool as hell. We back!

21) …or not. That 3rd and 6 completion to Turd Ferguson was a backbreaker. The Eagles sent the house and Dak made a great throw. Sydney Brown was right there. Just a tough conversion by the Cowboys.

22) They said that was a bad clipping call on the Cowboys, but we’ll consider it a make-up call since they were holding on every play.

23) Ferguson is gonna be the new Jason Witten, isn’t he? Just an annoying-ass guy who makes a couple of big play every game.

24) DeVonta Smith… man I really thought he had the touchdown grab. But when you take that shot on 2nd and 11, after losing a yard on first down, then what? It sets you up in 3rd and long. You throw short of the sticks, gain a few back, then throw short again when YOU KNOW the blitz is coming, and turn it over on downs. They have to do so much better than that. They’re blitzing on these downs and Hurts is throwing off his back foot, short of the sticks, every time. If you’re going on 4th and 8 you can’t fucking give us that.

It’s all a product of losing yardage on first down.

25) James Bradberry might be washed. The play on Cooks in the end zone was more of a DPI than the 3rd down play on which he was actually flagged.

26) The refs called Jason Kelce’s hand offside again on the Brotherly Shove. They did it AGAIN! How does that keep happening?

27) Smith with the fumble to complete the trifecta! Hurts fumble? – check. Brown fumble? – check. Smith fumble? – check. All three took place in plus territory.

Say what you will about the defense in this game, but they showed up in the second half and at least found the end zone. The offense played a terrible game from start to finish. Coughed up the ball, missed on big plays and big opportunities, and just did a really poor job with down/distance and situational football. I’m so mad that I’m gonna call WIP this week to yell about it.