I can’t turn to my friends. One because they don’t give a shit. Two because who do you turn to when you need sage advice and answers to a life problem? Mentally insane strangers whose opinions on life’s matters have been warped by the internet of course!

A little backstory…

Last week my fiance and I got home from vacation and there was no food in the house. The roommate was busy so I’m tasked with going to the grocery store. Nothing I can’t handle. We’ve got a great system. In our house she creates the grocery list and I fetch. As long as it’s on the list I’m bringing it back. Do I fuck up from time to time? Of course.  But thy first man who fucked up a grocery list cast thy first stone.

I’m like Brock Purdy at the ACME. Not the worst. Not the best. But efficient. You want paprika? I’ll search for spices like a young Christopher Columbus for ya. You want a pound and a half of cheese? I’m there waiting for my number to be called, never breaking eye contact with the deli guy like I’m a spying linebacker on the QB. I’ll compartmentalize everything so that we’re not wasting steps. You don’t ever want to waste steps in the grocery store. You think the ACME has the dairy aisle on one end and the fruits on another for no reason? No. There is a system. A finely tuned system that has been planned, re-worked, and built again over decades to maximize efficiency. The greatest scientists in the Delaware Valley have lost sleep over increasing sales of the Tastykakes.

So back to my dilemma. I apparently fucked up over the weekend because I brought home tomato sauce instead of pasta sauce. BUT… I don’t think I’m in the wrong and here’s why:


Does tomato sauce mean pasta sauce?

♬ original sound – The Wooderboys

Be honest. Before watching that video you thought I was 100% wrong. After watching it you can see my point, right? I’ll even answer some of the questions you have. Have we ever bought tomato sauce? Absolutely. Did I get the right pasta? Of course I did. Next question. Should I have texted her? Probably. But I didn’t want to wait 10 minutes for a text back twiddling my thumbs in the grocery store so I went with my gut. But who writes tomato sauce instead of pasta sauce? Especially when there is an item labeled tomato sauce. Now if tomato sauce was written under pasta on the list that’s one thing. But they’re an entire column plus a couple more grocery items away from each other. I thought we were a unit. Two people becoming one, bound by a covenant. Instead, I was set up to fail! She called an audible on 3rd and 2. Changed a running play into a Hail Mary.

Like I said. I’m a dog. You tell me what to get. I bring it home. And I brought home 15 ounces of the most delicious canned tomato sauce this country has ever seen to my sweet babe. What did I get for it? “Omg you are an idiot,” when she opened the cupboard and saw what I had done. So help me out. Am I the asshole? Should I have Joe Cordell of Cordell & Cordell on speed dial even though he’s not licensed in my state? Is she wrong?

So what’s happened since, you wonder? Have I gone back to the grocery store? Yes I have… supervised:

I don’t know if she’ll ever trust me on my own again. I’m like the kid who get’s lost in the JC Penney one time and now I have a leash around my shoulders attached to my mom’s belt loop. I mean she didn’t even let me redeem myself and get the pasta sauce:

That’s bullshit if we’re being honest. I appreciate the clarification of breadcrumbs, but I feel like I showed her my teachability when I got the unsweetened almond milk she likes instead of the vanilla flavored. Sidenote: since we switched from oat back to almond my tits have never looked better.

I also got to say hi to some old friends:

And ultimately the package was secured. The Carbone Arrabbiata sauce is the best in the business right now. Don’t even try to argue it:

Kinkead: I think Pagan is gonna get run over by some Philly people who say something like “nobody should buy this in the first place.” Like it’s an affront to Italians.