You can sue people for food poisoning? Is it wrong to serve your own mom this close to Mother’s Day? According to Victor Fiorillo at Philly Mag, a Philly man sued Springfield Diner because he allegedly got food poisoning from his salmon, with a side of corn:

In his complaint against the Springfield Diner, (Roy) Edwards said he ate there in July 2021 with his girlfriend. He ordered the salmon with a side of corn. It didn’t go so well, according to Edwards.

He claims the Springfield Diner negligently served him “pathogen-tainted” food. The lawsuit doesn’t say why Edwards thinks this, as opposed to him maybe just coming down with the stomach flu or perhaps getting sick from something he ate earlier in the day or the day before. But it does go into detail about the symptoms Edwards says he suffered. He claims he became violently ill with stomach pain, vomiting and diarrhea, among other issues.

Now lets answer the question on everyone’s mind. Don’t you kind of deserve food poisoning if you’re ordering salmon with a side of corn at a diner? I think we can all agree that’s an insane order. When I go to a diner, shout out to Am-Star on Welsh Road in Lansdale, I stick to a strict set of rules. Fried, grilled, & baked. No vegetables. No fish. Very little dairy as possible. You avoid those three and you won’t end up mad dogging* it on your porcelain throne later on. That’s something Roy didn’t adhere to and it cost him (allegedly) and he’s taking it out on small business. That lawsuit should be thrown out. That’d be like me trying to sue Philadelphia for trauma caused by their sports teams.

Man, I love a good diner. I love diner culture. The worst part of the pandemic was it took 24-hour diners from us. Something about pulling up to diner after a night of drinking warms my heart. Maybe it’s the sticky menus or the diner counter, or the waitress with a bad attitude and tobacco-stained teeth that reminds you of your childhood. No glitz or glamour. Just an omelette and some wheat toast at 4 a.m. because why not? Some of my favorite memories were at the Little Pete’s (RIP) in Center City. Remember when Ashy Larry got thrown out of there? All time video:

This waitress motherfucking Ashy Larry was an icon there. She was the Godmother. La Madrina:

God I fucking loved her. Every single time I went in she was behind the counter. Just a tough grizzled bitch that ran her diner the way she wanted to. Clocked in mother-fucking people. Clocked out mother-fucking people. Poor or rich. Comedy Central or NBC10. Comcast Bro or SEPTA worker. I saw her chew all of them out for giving her gruff that the place was cash only. I hope wherever this queen is she’s enjoying a Marlboro Red on her break right now.

Back to the Springfield Diner. Apparently, the diner and Edwards’ lawyers settled out of court in the end, but a restaurant manager said that doesn’t mean they’re admitting to any wrongdoing and it’s safe to eat at the place:

As for Edwards and the Springfield Diner, the restaurant just settled the case out of court. The terms weren’t made public. But according to one Springfield Diner manager I spoke with, it’s perfectly safe to eat at the restaurant. “We didn’t admit we did anything wrong,” he insisted. “Sometimes the insurance companies just settle things rather than pay for the cost of litigation.”

Is it safe? How does the public know it’s safe? I think there is only one way to find out. I have to head over to the Springfield Diner, break my own rules, and order the salmon with a side of corn.

*Mad Dogging (v) a term for puking and shitting at the exact same time usually while on the toilet. A subject who is Mad Dogging pukes through the gap between their legs because they are unable to leave their post in fear of excrement secreting from their ass do to the forceful nature of vomiting. Named after one of my basketball teammates in college who got hammered off of some MadDog 20/20. 

“Where’s Chris? We had plans to meet in the dining hall for breakfast.”

“You didn’t hear? He was Mad Dogging the whole night.”