It’s a Monday. A school day as you know. And people were with their kids outside the NovaCare Complex with a keg hoping to cheer up Jason Kelce after announcing his retirement. Fractions are Tuesday’s problem:

Best fucking sports city in the world!

Gotta think this was one last-ditch effort from a fan to try and get Kelce to reconsider, right? Maybe the taste of beer would have all the memories wash over him and force him to remember all the tasty beers he drank while he was becoming one of the greatest Eagles in this city’s history. Alas, we got the retirement speech and all these people got were a honk and wave:

Question: Why is he waiting to tap the keg? Seize the moment, kid! Seize the moment! Doesn’t he know it’s going to take a couple minutes for the foam to runoff? Gotta think it rolling around in his car couldn’t help either. I’m sure Kelce would’ve stopped if it was actually tapped. Who put this kid in charge? Now I don’t feel bad for him having to lug an entire keg back to his car on a Monday at 2:30pm. This celebration kind of sucks. Did I just do a complete 180 on this? I think I did. Jesus Christ build the moat around NovaCare already so Eagles fans can stop embarrassing the fanbase.