Setting the Odds for the Inaugural Philly Spelling Brawl
The Revolution. The Wing Bowl. The Spelling Brawl. All events that will be in the history books for little Philadelphia area grade schoolers to read about one day. But instead of the CoreStates, First Union, Wachovia, Wells Fargo Center we’re doing it at Gaul & Co. in Port Richmond on Saturday, April 13th at 1pm:
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9 (for now) of your favorite Philly area content creators and 10 random patrons from bars around the city will compete for a $500 prize and the title of least dumbest in Philadelphia. Let’s get to the odds, provided by the Crossing Broad Sportsbook.
Bran Flakez (+250)
@bran__flakezz you got it bran relatable brunch espressomartini weekendvibes
This king(?) queen(?) of gay chaos built his own brand and was able to quit his full time job so he’s gotta be smart. He moves all over the city so he won’t be stumped by street, neighborhood or restaurant names. But what if he gets hit with a wildcard? What if he gets the name of an athlete thrown at him? Will he study every last name on the Phillies roster between 1980 and 2023? Does he know who Eric Desjardins is? Will he know there are two Rs and two Ls in Burrell? Two Xs in KIXX? That’s where I think he’ll slip up. He’s gotta hope the chips fall in his favor and he gets “Parc” or “Suraya” or he better get on Sportsreference.com if he wants to win the whole thing.
Dunphy (+300)
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Listen, you take one look at Dunphy and you think this guy isn’t winning a spelling bee. And you’d be right. Nobody with a Phanatic tattoo around his belly button has won a spelling bee in the history of the universe. That’s just a fact. But that’s what they once said about left-handed QBs not being able to win the Super Bowl. I feel like Dunph could surprise us. I don’t know if he went to college and I don’t know how the school system out in Bridesburg is. But I do know a guy with this much confidence is dangerous:
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Even if he can’t spell “Schuylkill” he’ll will himself to spell “Schuylkill” off of blind confidence alone. A confident man is a dangerous man. He’s my 2006 George Mason.
Me (Kyle) (+300)
I’m going to be so far in my head during this. I don’t know if I have the mental capacity to swing a deep run. I’m like Purdue every time the #1 seed is bestowed upon them. I’m gonna be running around the entire time yelling at Craig and calling one of these idiots cause they’re 30 minutes late that I won’t be able to even study my words. That’s not an excuse that’s a fact. Even though I got Bronze in the 5th grade spelling bee (in front of the whole school btw) I feel like spelling has passed me by. You give me a word that I think is an “I before E” because it has a “C” in it and I’m cooked. I’ve already spelled inaugural wrong 10 different times. Bet on me if it’s just for the love of the game, but throw a couple sheckles on under 4.5 rounds. Unless I goose the words in my favor. I mean I am a Temple guy after all…
Malik Joe (+400)
@therealmalikjoe Minginging & Draw #philly #phillytiktok
Former kickboxer turned funny guy. But those kicks to the head have to add up, right? He’s from Norf. We all know how shit the school system is in North Philly. I mean he has a podcast named Pulp Phiction with Dunph and I think they actually think that’s how fiction is really spelt. You give this guy any Eagles player’s last name and he’ll spell it. Give him a hockey player’s last name and he has no chance. Not because what you’re thinking. Knock it off.
*His first word will be “Dickhead” I’ve already decided.
Frnacis (+10000)
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No shot. Absolutely no shot. He’s from Northeast Philly. They don’t breed spelling bee champs on Frankford & Cottman:
@kylepagancb The most Northeast guy of all time #phillies #philliesfans #philliesfan #northeastphilly #philly #worldseries #philliesbaseball #philliesgame #StemDrop001 #philliesnation
I mean his god damn legal name is spelled wrong on his birth certificate. He comes from a line of terrible spellers. Don’t even bet on this horse. He’s going to be glue right out of the gate. I’ll also sabotage this if he comes close to winning. There’s no chance I’m letting a guy from Father Judge come into my Spelling Bee and win the entire thing.
Dolly Broadway (+450)
@dolly_broadway try my new drink, a “White Clawantine” #fyp #foryoupage #coronavirus #happyathome #styletips #whiteclaws #viral
Here’s a fact when you consider putting your money on Broadway. She’s 90 years old. Are the lights on Broadway still shining as bright as they used to? Fair gripe. You gotta wonder if she’s firing on all cylinders when she could tell you where she was when WWII ended. It’s like putting a future on the Broncos to win the Super Bowl when Peyton Manning’s neck was hanging on by a thread. Do you think this woman has one more legendary run in her? See for yourself:
@dolly_broadway Such a great time on @theskinnywithjoeymerlino. Make sure to check it out!
One thing you can’t deny is that she knows, has spoken, and said more words than anyone that will be on stage, combined.
John Montague (+200)
South Jersey comedian John Montague is a dark horse favorite. He impressed me in the Home Run Derby and I feel like he’ll do it again during the spelling bee. But here’s the thing – they call it dad strength, not dad smarts. I’d take Johnny in a combine. Not necessarily in a spelling bee.
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Santiago (NoShorts) (+350)
@noshortsusa LET WALLY IN @Phillies #philly
Santiago is currently in school at Temple which I think works to his advantage. You’re at your smartest when you’re forced to study all the time. I don’t think I’ve learned anything new since I graduated from there. The only thing is I don’t know how much Santiago knows about Philadelphia. Kid grew up outside the city most his life. He’s only been in it for a couple years. He’s going up against grown folk who’ve never left. He barely has an accent. If he gets “Wooder” he’ll probably spell it “Water” like a narc.
Ligma Ki Shawn (+500)
I don’t know a thing about this kid. He was a throw in because I like his videos. Absolute spaz though. Could be just his personality or the 100 mg of edibles he probably crushes a day. Anyone that comes up with the idea to put a pumpkin head on Rocky isn’t all there:
@noshortsusa Awesome collab with @Ligma Xi , tiktok nobody got hurt this is all by professionals and its all staged
This guy is out in under three rounds. Book it. Than he’ll just go dress up Rocky in like Tiger Woods Sunday red for The Masters weekend. Watch.
The Field (+200)
I honestly don’t know who The Field is right now. We’re pulling 10 people from their local watering hole to come down to Port Richmond and spell. We could get some of the dumbest motherfuckers you’ve ever met or a guy who had a Beautiful Mind written about him. That’s the greatest thing about bars. You could meet a slightly homeless guy who smells like sewage and he could be the smartest guy you ever met. Never judge a book by its cover.
