An unknown time. An unknown date. Location? Philadelphia. The medium? Sports talk radio.


Host: Welcome back! We’re talking the state of the Philadelphia Eagles this afternoon. Of course, this segment is brought to you by XFinity Live! When you’re in the mood for a warm Bud Light to be accidentally spilled down your back by a blacked out Villanova student after a Phillies game, then come on down to XFinity Live! Where you’re guaranteed to get into a physical altercation with someone wearing a bootleg Flyers jersey within the five minutes of walking through the doors. XFinity Live!

I have to tell you, I really find this fascinating, because with everything the Eagles have done this offseason, I’m not sure they’ve done enough to get back to the Super Bowl. This may sound familiar, because we talked about this all last week, and two weeks before that, and the month before that, and all of January, but I don’t think we’ve YET SCRATCHED THE SURFACE on the Birds.

And let’s get it back to the Birds! Hit us up on the Cordell & Cordell hotline to let us know what you think. Cordell & Cordell…when you need a lawyer to un-ironically use the word “cuz” in your divorce proceedings, you have to reach out to Cordell & Cordell.

::Producer plays Andy Reid “Time’s Yours” drop they’ve been using for last three decades::

Ex-Philadelphia Athlete Co-Host: This is great, it’s all Birds Thursday, just as the good lord intended. Speaking of the Birds, we’ve added Saquon Barkley, C.J. Gardner Johnson, Bryce Huff…man, this team is PRIMED to win now. 13-4 easy if we let Sirianni cook. We’ll be going through the schedule ad nauseum when it’s released

Host: Very true, but let me ask you this….what if they’re not primed to win now? Have you ever considered they may be less than prime? We all thought they were prime last season and they were anything but prime. Prime they were not. This primetime segment is brought to you by Club Risque. When you want to see naked women whose fathers listened to sports talk radio instead of going to their field hockey games, Club Risque has got you covered. Remember, bring in an old Eagles ticket stub and one of their dancers will dress up like Swoop for your next lap dance.

Ex-Philadelphia Athlete Co-Host: That’s a great point, I didn’t think they may NOT be prime next season. They’ll win five games at the most…unless of course they are prime, which we should continue to discuss for the next six months. Let me tell you, the sky is the limit for this team.

::Producer plays Iverson “We Talking about Practice” drop for no reason::

Host: Astute as always. Let’s bring on our station reporter who’s already appeared on 15 other segments today across three other shows to get his thoughts on the Eagles.

Station Reporter: Thanks for having me. Always great to be on the afternoon show. So what are you guys in the mood for today? An overly positive take that 99% of your listeners will agree with, or something so outrageously negative that it will drive hate calls for the next two hours and you can go into auto pilot for the rest of the show?

Host: Oh, negative please.

Station Reporter: Absolutely. Let me tell you, that one guy on the Eagles that everyone likes? One of the most popular clubhouse guys this franchise has ever seen and a hero to the city? Yeah, let me tell you that he’s actually INSANELY overrated and that the Eagles should trade him for a rival player that everyone in Philadelphia loathes. It’s the right move! If you want to think outside of the box you need to make this trade immediately, at least see if it’s possible, that is unless of course your listeners actually agree with me on this. Because if they do, then let me tell you why that’s RIDICULOUSLY STUPID to even think about. Whatever opinion your callers and listeners have, I’m going to go the complete opposite, and I’m going to go hard into the paint with little or rhyme or reason for my argument.

Host: That’s smart.

Station Reporter: Exactly. I have no real opinions of my own, I just like to vomit forth whatever opinion will get the most people riled up and interacting with me on social media is ideal. You want to extend his contract? I say cut him. You want to cut him? We’ve got to invest in him for the long term. My existence with this station is predicated on social media interactions and that’s what I strive for. Forget trying to dig for a story, I’ve got retweets to hunt for.

Host: That’s why you’re the best. But before you go,  can I make a lighthearted jab about your opinions that lets our listeners know that we keep things friendly on the station but I’m not afraid to mix it up with you on a non-threatening level?

Station Reporter: I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ll call back in 9 minutes for my next Eagles segment.

Host: Station reporter, he’s not for everyone folks! ::chuckles for far too long:: And that segment was brought to you by The Bagster!  Let all of your neighbors know what a piece of white trash you really are after it sits in your front yard for seven months. Hey, let’s take a call! Caller, you’re on the air.

::Producer plays toilet flush drop::

Caller: Hey guys, what’s up. Love the show. First time, long time. You know, the Phillies home opener is tomorrow, how do you think they’re going to do this season?

Host: ……………

Caller: Hello?

Host: You call this station…and you want to talk baseball? You want to talk FUCKING BASEBALL?!

Caller: I mean, the season opener is coming up, right?.


Ex-Philadelphia Athlete Co-Host: Hey man, maybe calm down a bit.


::dead air for 15 seconds::

Host: And we’re back! Stay tuned, because after the break we’re going to bring Station Reporter back on and he’s going to let us know what he has a better chance of doing…hitting a home run off a major league pitcher or scoring an NFL touchdown. It should be an infuriating discussion. Can’t wait! This last segment was brought to you by…