I’m pro Kyle Schwarber leading off. Always have been. The Phillies’ record all-time with him leading off is exhibit A. I also want one of my best hitters that can turn a game on its head getting as many at bats as possible, especially with Brandon Marsh in the #8 spot turning the line up over. I also trust that Rob Thomson knows better than your uncle calling into WIP what these guys want and where they want to hit in the lineup. But one thing the haters couldn’t prepare for was that Kyle Schwarber was going to get skinny. He was SCOOTIN’ around the diamond all weekend:

UHHHH OHHHHH! Is that a 35-base stealer year we’re seeing right before our eyes?

The haters will say that’s beginner’s luck. Those people are idiots. Schwarbs is your deceptively quick fat friend. It’s not pretty, but those quick pitter patters create some sort of friction that counteracts the gravitational pull of Earth which leads to this:

Now I know what you’re thinking. If he’s skinny now, he’s sure to lose his pop, right? What a dumb question you idiot!

That home run was 114.4 of exit velo off the bat. His max EV in 2023 was 115.2 for those wondering at home.

And I’ve already got the perfect brand deal for the next Schwarberfest: