If you’re already dreading having to argue with the wife or girlfriend because you’ve been hogging the living room TV with the 10th Phillies game in 11 days, I have something you can use to distract her with.

When 7 p.m. rolls around and she hears Michael Barkann start yelling about god knows what, it’s going to flip an internal switch like Reggie Jackson when he was programmed to kill the Queen in Naked Gun. As she’s about to complain about the amount of NBA, NHL playoffs, and Phillies games you’ve been watching, you must slyly ask her, “Did you hear about the billionaire wife Instagram drama?” Immediately she’ll have the hard drive wiped clean. She’ll be annoyed you know more, but curious at the same time you know more and she doesn’t. There’s nothing women like more than an opportunity to ridicule another woman in the public eye. Bravo has built an empire on this. She’ll forget she ever wanted to watch Netflix in the first place as she’s downloading all the information she can on this Katherine Asplundh chick and sending it to her group chat. Now you just bought time to watch Bryce Harper rake.

Now if you’ve come this far you’re probably wondering, “Hey Kyle, what the fuck does this have to do with Philly Sports?” Well I guess Asplundh doesn’t ring the bell, eh? Do you not watch the Phils bro? The orange Asplundh ads have lined the left field fence all season:

Every time I see someone with warning track power I see “Asplundh” on the wall and every time I read it as “Ass Plunder,” which I think is what pirates used to do to each other when they were lonely on the high seas. I’ve locked in on them because it makes me giggle, but I never cared enough to do the research to see what the company does. Until this Ass Plunder drama caught my eye on TikTok. Turns out they own the biggest tree business in the country! Not to mention their HQ is in Willow Grove. So they’re Phillies fans like you and I.

I guess advertising works. Here’s the summary of what went down after Katherine married into the Ass Plunders. Pay attention or you’ll be watching the game on your phone tonight:

@nosybystanders

#greenscreen yall why is this #microinfluencer trying to muscle this girl out of her #ig handle. #influencer #katherineasplundh #sold

♬ original sound – 💫NOSY💫

So Katherine wanted a new Instagram handle with her married name. Finds someone that has it and offers to pay them for it. The person says no and shit goes off the rails from there. Since then it’s gone crazy viral and she’s been bullied off of Instagram. Her TikTok has become flooded with clown emoji comments and poors calling her a bad person.

But I’ll be honest, I love this bitch! This is exactly what I want in my billionaires! She reminds me of the evil stepmom from Parent Trap. A billionaire’s evil new wife should bully random women around the globe for an Instagram name. That’s how you birth the next evil heir to the Asplundh tree throne. Katherine will be damned if she is going to have a hyphen or number in her Instagram handle. Special characters are for your credit card passwords and poors! Not rich billionaires. I want my billionaire wives to be evil! I want them to be hypocrites! (fast forward to 1:20):

@oopsigossipedagain

The girlies are fighting & by girlies i mean influencer – im team OG KA #katherineasplundh #katherinedriscoll

♬ original sound – Oops I Gossiped Again

She’s now got more money than god! What’s she going to do, spend the entire day cleaning the house and training her golden doodle? No. The help does that. She’s going to perform background checks and research the family tree to see how many Katherine Asplundhs there are in the United States. That’s a chick that can play on my team any day. Someone who is going to track down family history for an Instagram handle is a ride or die. She’ll shred tax information while the feds are at the door. She’s going down with the ship.