Vacation is over for city workers. No mid-day naps or nail salon appointments. No more scrolling TikTok while you’re on an important Zoom call. Cherelle Parker is making every city worker come back to work, five days a week. Sacrifices need to be made. Policy needs action. The Mayor is trying to save the city and any loose string is going to get snipped:

First off, I can’t believe people who are in charge of making this city run were working from home still. Every major company in Philly made their employees return to work. How are some of the most important people in city government not in the office? How is this even an argument? You know what’s terrible for focus? Working from home. I’ve been trying to write this blog for an hour now and I keep getting distracted by the TV and my fiance walking back and forth from the office to the kitchen taking work calls on speaker.

The greatest lie ever told was that we’re more productive working from home. Maybe in the first couple months of the pandemic when your brain was still wired to work 9 to 5 in any scenario. As it continued and we realized this was the norm we learned how to skirt the rules just like we did when we were in the office. Chances are you’re avoiding work to read this. But my job isn’t to run the city and enact change and policy. It’s to entertain people and make them chuckle while they’re on the toilet, avoiding work.

That’s why any city worker complaining anonymously to the Inky about going back five days a week should be fired. There are children going to school five days a week in the city with no air conditioning. Lets use those government bennies on people who actually want to be here.

“But, but, but Jim Kenney let us work from home!”  the city workers squeal.

The same guy who admitted on camera he couldn’t wait until he wasn’t mayor again. How’d that work out? Under him this city went to shit. Now there’s a real leader at the helm. The baddest bitch this city has ever seen.

And after she’s done getting the city workers back in line I hope she goes down to 309 and gives Neil Makhija in Montgomery County a swirly. Look at this guy trying to have his Suge Knight at the Source Awards moment:

Shut up, Neil. I grew up in Montgomery County. There are zero problems that keep you up at night in Montgomery County. You know why people can work from home in your precious municipality? Because you’re not dealing with gun violence, opioids, crime, poverty, housing affordability, corruption, labor unions, new stadium decisions, and more at the same damn time. All while you have every single media member breathing down your neck waiting for you to fail so they can write about it for clicks. Go cut another ribbon at a new Wawa. Stop nipping at the heels of the big dog, you rat. You wouldn’t last a day in Philadelphia.

Kinkead: I think the PPA should be allowed to work from home. Forever.