So by now we’ve all heard that the Sixers owners went ahead and bought 2,000 tickets for first responders, healthcare professionals, and local organizations for Game 6. A great act of generosity to keep broke-ass Knicks fans who can’t afford The Garden out of the stadium.

Now no one knows how these tickets are being distributed. Are the nurses in a triage unit at Temple Health that have seen some shit and are ready to throw down at a moment’s notice the lucky winners? Or are these workers from NovaCare on the Main Line where the most their heart rate goes up is when they put a little too much sugar in their coffee? We’re going to need the former in an elimination game. No matter who the Sixers give the tickets to, if they could just leave 10 for these Sixers fans I know every broke-ass Knicks fans will never want to return.

10: Big Daddy

I haven’t seen this guy since Adam Aron tried to replace Hip Hop with a moose. There’s a good chance our guy didn’t make it through COVID. But if Big Daddy is still around, how can he not be right under the basket shaking his shit after Jalen Brunson draws another foul? This guy went through nights where he had to watch 25+ minutes of Isaiah Canaan, Ish Smith, and KJ McDaniels. If anyone deserves a ticket it’s the ones who got you here.

One more for the road:

 

9: The Guzzler and His Dad

Don’t know if these two guys are related, but lets take creative liberties here. Game 6 starts at 9 p.m.. It’s a beautiful night to tailgate. People are going to be lubed up and ready to go. We need people who are going to be able to rise to the challenge. Can’t have lightweights in the stands in the fourth quarter. That’s how you end up with a David Dodge situation:

 

Get me the guy double fisting and his sun using his shirt as a chugging apparatus.

8. The Penn Dean

Now this is a guy who I know has had his hands wrapped around some New York fan’s neck. It could get dicey and I’d want this guy in my corner. I want a guy who’s on the brink of an aneurysm screaming, “What the fuck are you looking at?!” to Scott Foster after another shitty call. If he hears “Fuck Embiid” chants in his stadium you’re going to need the National Guard to stop him from the carnage he’s going to leave in the lobby.

 

7. Mary Kate and her daughter Ashley

A mother/daughter combo for the ages. One getting on the ref’s ass and the other one keeping Joel Embiid accountable in an elimination game. Both serving a purpose. I’d also like to think they’d be great seat neighbors. Something tells me Mary Kate sneaks in candy to the Wells Fargo Center because she’s not paying those “bullshit” prices and isn’t afraid to share.

 

6. Sixers Freeway Fan

This is a no brainer. This woman rules. The rapping, the purse, the way she knew how to throw her hood over her head. All of it. That’s someone who isn’t afraid to put a newly-manicured finger in some bitch’s face wearing a Brunson jersey if she steps out of line. She needs to be in the Wells Fargo Center. Security should waive the bag check this one time too.

5. Free Throw Ben Simmons Guy

It can’t all be hostility. We need some positive energy in the crowd. Who better than the guy who came to Ben Simmons at his lowest point? Everyone in the crowd wanted to kill Ben while the Hawks played Hack-a-Simmons. Not this guy. He was dotting the eye. Showing the swan. This was the only Sixers fan who still believed when they were down six with 28 seconds left to go the other night. Mr. Positivity deserves some tickets.

 

4. The Guy Who Tried to Fight Tie Domi

I dare someone on the Knicks try to get out of line with Tie Domi guy behind their bench.  You want to foul Tyrese Maxey hard Mitchell Robinson? You better be ready for Tie Domi guy to come flying over the railing when you’re heading into the locker room at halftime.

 

3. The Penis Doctor Sixers Fan

Whatever happened to this guy? He vanished as fast as he flipped the double bird. Lets bring him out of retirement and get this dickhead back on the baseline. Double birds for everyone!

 

2. This Lady

She gets it. Knicks fans are broke. The “your dad has season tickets” line killed her. She should be there out in the parking lot with me talking to broke-ass Knicks fans that couldn’t afford tickets in MSG.

 

1. The Kid Who Chucked the Mets Fan’s Phone on the Field

Trust me, if this kid was in the Wells Fargo Center after Game 4 there is no chance a “Fuck Embiid” chant takes place or a Knicks jersey gets on the Wilt statue. This dude would’ve fought every last person in there. And not because he’s a tough son of a bitch, but because he has no self control. This guy saw a Mets fan having fun at his expense and launched his phone on the field. I love it! If the Knicks win the battle we need to win the war.

Hope these 10 people have tickets waiting for them at will call.