Maybe I just don’t love seam like some people, but this ESPN and Disney experience sounds like some Zack Hample fever dream. They announced a five day, four night baseball excursion where you’ll get to go to three games, tour ESPN, and meet some of their talent…for only $7k PER PERSON. Here’s what it includes:

The ESPN Experiences: Take Me Out to the Ballparks tour

Thu., August 29: Witness the Toronto Blue Jays clash with the Boston Red Sox from the coveted Green Monster seats, an experience reserved for those with a penchant for the extraordinary.

Fri., August 30: Embark on a MVP journey into the heart of sports media excellence with an exclusive tour of the illustrious ESPN Headquarters, where innovation and ingenuity converge to shape the future of sports entertainment. Fans will also have lunch with MLB Analyst Doug Glanville.

Sat., August 31: Soak in Yankee Stadium with a private tour and meet and greet with Yankees Play-by-play Broadcaster Michael Kay before taking in the action of the St. Louis Cardinals and New York Yankees from a suite.

Sun., September 1: Start the day at the Jackie Robinson Museum with a private tour, paying homage to a trailblazer whose legacy transcends generations, and finish at Citizens Bank Park, home of the Philadelphia Phillies, in a Sunday Night Baseball tilt against National League East foe Atlanta Braves in the comforts of a suite. Attendees will also have a chance to meet Sunday Night Baseball announcers Karl Ravech, David Cone, Eduardo Pérez, and Buster Olney.

Mon., September 2: Conclude with a hearty breakfast before traveling home following the three-city MLB tour.

Three games, a couple tours, and meeting Michael Kay for what my parents paid a year in tuition at Lansdale Catholic. Both would get you a disappointed son at the end. Remarkable.

Am I being a hater or is this not worth it? Where’s the pizazz? What’s the sell? Thanks to Doug Glanville for all the blood and sweat and tears he gave to the Phillies, but for $7k I’d like to meet someone who hit higher than .277 in their career. Michael Kay? That’s your big draw? That dude has as much life to ’em as my dad and he’s six feet under. Also there is no mention of flights anywhere. So I’m going to spend my entire Labor Day from Boston to Philly in a coach bus?  Let me just plan the trip myself.

Nix the meet and greets. There I probably shaved off $1-2 grand. Give me a flight from Boston to NY and luxury bus back home to Philly. Now the games and and we’ll throw in the ESPN tour too. Sorry Jackie Robinson museum. Museums are boring. Once you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all.

Fist stop, Boston. Can’t believe how lucky I am that I get to watch a game 30 feet in the air, and pay more for it. Green Monster seats are overrated. I took the tour of Fenway. It’s cool for like five minutes. Give me beer money and a front row seat at Bleacher Bar in centerfield and now we’re cooking with gas.

Now it’s time to go to ESPN. If I’m paying $7k you better fly in Tom Jackson, Keyshawn Johnson, and Jaws and have them do a special Jacked-Up! segment for me:

 

After that I want to be in a “This is SportsCenter” commercial. Like a funny one. Not on of the ones now that are watered down one like Kenny Mayne and Stuart Scott used to do:

 

Now we’re off to the Yankee game and since I don’t have to waste my time meeting Michael Kay I can enjoy some of the sights and sounds of the Bronx. The last thing I want to do is sit in a luxury suite at Yankees games. They typically go for $10-$25k depending on the game. Could you imagine paying $10k for this? Leave your expensive NY studio to just spend time watching the game in the same NY studio apartment:

Give me tickets behind the dugout so I can tell Juan Soto how much he’s going to love being a Phillie next year.

Now we head down to Philly. Since I live here I am already saving ESPN money. So what they spent on a hotel will now be redirected to an entire catered Angelo’s tailgate for me and all my friends. Loading up on beers and Angelo’s  is the only way to go when the Phillies are serving hot dogs like this at the ballpark:

Please someone launch an investigation.

Since I don’t feel like meeting Karl Ravech, David Cone, and the rest of the Sunday Night Baseball crew they can find a way to get me on the ATV with the Phanatic to shoot hot dogs Pat Burrell style: