The Philadelphia Visitor Center has curated new scents for their Philadelphia Experiences Collection. The scents are Beautiful Day in the Gayborhood, Boathouse Mornings, Place Called the Plateau, South Philly Sunday Dinner, The Steps, and the Wanamaker Holiday Light Show, but they won’t tell you what they smell like. Booooorrrrrrinnggggggg!

These aren’t authentic. They’re probably going to make the Wanamaker Holiday Show candle smell like vanilla or something. You know what it really smells like in there? A stressed out mother of four who’s been chain smoking all day, trying to finish Christmas shopping under budget. Her hair hasn’t been washed in 48 hours, she smells like burnt eggs, and the holiday light show just snapped her into a trance so tight she doesn’t even notice the Macy’s security trying to catch the shoplifters around her. You want authentic? Where is Piss Soaked Parking Lots? Where is Philly Elmo Suit B.O.? Where is the McGillin’s 2nd Floor Carpet or Port Richmond Trash Fire? These are what the people want. Those are authentically Philly. Not spending $32 on a candle so I can smell the Schuylkill in the morning. I used to do that for free when I lived in Fairmount.

If someone gave me one of these candles I’d hand it right back to them. Nothing says you’re a piece of shit like getting someone a candle for Christmas. It’s such a worthless gift. Everyone at Christmas knows you put the least amount of effort into the gift. If you’re getting a candle for your mom, wife, girlfriend, aunt, or grandma and you’re out of college just know you’re a fucking asshole and your parents are disappointed in you. I know because I’ve been there. The candle is for the White Elephant you’re doing with your co-workers you hate.

You want to know what Philadelphia smells like? Perfumology in Old City nailed it already. Not this grift to pad the bottom line of the Visitor Center. A touch of water ice, a hint of tobacco and weed, and the essence of a salty pretzel. Perfect. That’s how you build a fragrance: