Eagles

Robot Story of the Week: Talking Heads List 25 Reasons Why Jalen Hurts is Not an Elite Quarterback

By Kevin Kinkead

Published: Jul 15th, 2025 · 11:50 AM EDT

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Jalen Hurts rage bait has been the story of the summer, unless you’ve decided to turn off your TV and radio and go outside. In which case, you are enjoying relative peace, quiet, and smothering humidity.

It’s hard to avoid the noise otherwise. This is the portion of the calendar when sports media is starved for content, so top 10 QB lists and award-winning acting jobs take precedent, putting the reigning Super Bowl MVP in pointless headlines.

For something different, we asked ChatGPT to write up a fake list of 25 reasons why Jalen Hurts is NOT elite, and this is what it spit out:

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Top 25 “Reasons” Talking Heads Don’t Think Jalen Hurts Is Elite

(A masterclass in moving the goalposts)

1. “He has too much help.”
   (Because good quarterbacks are apparently supposed to win with trash.)
2. “He’s not flashy enough.”
   (Translation: Doesn’t do no-look passes on 3rd-and-17.)
3. “He runs too much.”
   (Running QB? System QB. Pocket QB? Statue. No win.)
4. “He doesn’t run enough.”
   (Seriously, pick a lane.)
5. “He benefits from the ‘tush push.’”
   (Invents one of the most unstoppable plays in football… somehow a bad thing.)
6. “He doesn’t throw for 400 yards.”
   (Only wins and efficiency? Boring. We want empty calorie stats.)
7. “He’s too composed.”
   (Can’t meme his facial reactions. Not marketable enough. Sorry.)
8. “He doesn’t have a signature quote.”
   (No Joe Burrow cigar moment = not a real star.)
9. “He hasn’t won multiple Super Bowls yet.”
   (Because Mahomes did it instantly, right?)
10. “He plays behind an elite O-line.”
    (Imagine penalizing a QB for good front office decisions.)
11. “His receivers are too good.”
    (Same folks who say Allen “needs more help.”)
12. “He played at Alabama and Oklahoma.”
    (Somehow viewed as inconsistent, rather than adaptable.)
13. “He’s too serious.”
    (Apparently you need a TikTok dance routine to be elite.)
14. “He doesn’t have ‘the look.’”
    (Whatever that means… coded language, anyone?)
15. “He’s not a loud leader.”
    (Only screaming and sideline tantrums count as passion.)
16. “He lost a Super Bowl.”
    (Forget he outplayed Mahomes for most of it.)
17. “He wins ugly.”
    (Because football is clearly about aesthetics.)
18. “He doesn’t throw sidearm.”
    (Sorry, only quarterbacks who look like shortstops make the list.)
19. “He’s not in enough commercials.”
    (State Farm hasn’t called = not elite.)
20. “Fantasy points aren’t consistent.”
    (So now elite status is decided by your fantasy roster.)
21. “He hasn’t had to carry the team.”
    (Until he does — then it’s “why’d he need to?”)
22. “He’s too humble.”
    (Weird complaint, but media does love a good diva.)
23. “We need a bigger sample size.”
    (He’s started nearly 50 games, but okay.)
24. “He peaked too fast.”
    (What does that even mean??)
25. “We just don’t believe yet.”
    (Ah yes — the science of vibes.)

There are some good points in here. “Imagine penalizing a QB for good front office decisions.” Exactly right, artificial intelligence. That’s one of the laughers out there. People act like Pat Mahomes and Tom Brady carried James Thrash and Todd Pinkston to Super Bowl wins when they had offensive weapons like Gronk and Travis Kelce, Tyreek Hill and Julian Edelman. And on the other side were defensive Pro Bowlers like Richard Seymour, Chris Jones, Vince Wilfork, and Frank Clark. Why does that matter anyway? Does having Saquon Barkley make you a lesser quarterback? Can you only be top-five if you put the entire team on your shoulders? The criteria is fugazi! Make it stop.