Ad Disclosure
Diner en Blanc is Un-American Nonsense
Published:
God bless America, because Philadelphia’s bougiest excuse to pick up after yourself is BACK for another year of pretentious snacking and binge drinking as thousands of well-meaning but idiotic Philadelphians prepare to haul their own food, their own chairs, and their own tables to an undisclosed “historic” mystery location to eat tepid Wegman’s olive bar antipasto that may or may not be riddled with cyclosporiasis, all while paying out the ass to do so.
We’re doing this again? Really, gang? REALLY? I’ve been ranting and raving about Diner en Blanc every single year since 2019 but nothing I do seems to be able to stop it. No matter how hard I shake my fists to the heavens and curse a higher power that would allow this folly to exist unfettered, it cannot stop throngs of dead-eyed galoots dressed all in white from descending into Philadelphia like the plague to eat rancid goose liver pate on soggy Wheat Thins in 100% humidity on a piece of blacktop in Center City that Thomas Jefferson once binge-drank 15 canteens of ale in one sitting before projectile vomiting in the street.
But don’t worry, because this year’s event is different! This year’s event has a PATRIOTIC theme celebrating America’s 250th birthday, proudly declaring it’s time for guests to “party like it’s 1776!” It’s an appropriate slogan, considering quite a few people who lived in 1776 Philadelphia died from dysentery, which is characterized by severe bouts of diarrhea mixed with blood and mucus before you quite literally evacuate yourself to death. Certainly, these are similar symptoms one may expect to experience eating inadequately chilled oysters on the half shell that a 29-year-old aspiring “author” assured you were fine to eat after Grok told him it was okay.
But I digress.
A quick reminder for the uninitiated –
Diner en Blanc is a “high class” social event invented by the French in 1988 to recoup losses from the French and Indian War of 1757. You know the rest at this point…everyone has to dress in white, lug their own food and drink to an unnamed location in the city to ensure they’re covered in a thin sheen of sweat and inner-thigh grime before everything begins. What mirth! I hear this year a man with a handlebar mustache wearing suspenders and a bowler will recite passages of The Odyssey while riding a unicycle as you angrily eat soggy crudite your significant other sweat all over while they set up your shit.
“Isn’t this great? Did you know Travis Scott actually appeared in The Odyssey as a mythic bard? Isn’t that such a cool blend of modern and historic pop culture? Do these take funky to you?“
::sighs:: – “We need to break up.“
Perhaps sensing the allure of Diner en Blanc was running stale, organizers began integrating THEMES into the events every year. Last year’s Diner en Blanc inexplicably celebrated “literature” by urging guests to dress up like characters from The Great Gatsby, hilariously ignoring the novel’s timeless warning against the hollowness of materialism in favor of encouraging hipsters to drunkenly cavort through piles of IPA-induced puke while wearing open-toed shoes.
Hey, shout out to the organizers of Philadelphia’s Diner en Blanc who made the decision to start making these themed nights. I was this close to ending this series a few years back when I realized there were only so many diarrhea, heat, and puke jokes one could make about the event, so this has given me a new life! It’s reinvigorated my love of tearing apart the dumbest social event this city has to offer through THEMED observations set against the backdrop of American history and literature, so kudos to the organizers who thought this would be a great idea!
As mentioned before, this year’s Diner en Blanc celebrates ‘Merica and its 250th anniversary, but unfortunately decided to kick things off in the most UN-American fashion by announcing to its dead-eyed denizens, before deleting the post, that wagons would no longer be allowed* to to haul their rancid vats of German potato salad and $15 white beach chairs to the event. WHAT?! The country was FOUNDED on wagons, gang. Manifest Destiny was entirely based on fed-up American citizens from the east coast who decided to pack up Conestoga Wagons and flee west after the dumbest citizens in their towns floated the idea of dressing up in all white clothes and sharing a dinner together in a public space.
It’s also a little known fact that Ben Franklin famously invented the “I love that wagon you’re draggin'” pickup line in an attempt to charm a rather fetching big-bottomed Parisian hooker out of her pantaloons one glorious evening in 1732. If that’s not what makes America great, I don’t know what is. Oh Ben, you syphilitic rascal!
But I digress. In case you’ve forgotten (commie), in 1776 the underdog colonies declared their independence from the British and decided to fight for the right to rule America under their own power. One of the turning points used to convince the fledgling leaders of the colonies to fight against the powerhouse Brits was a 47-page pamphlet written and published by Thomas Paine entitled “Common Sense,” which laid out the benefits of American home rule and independence from Great Britain in a way that even the least uneducated of colonists could understand.
It was a smash hit, read-aloud by townspeople in public squares and taverns, used as a rallying cry to generate public support for the hardships ahead. Hell, it worked for war, so why can’t it work to abolish Diner en Blanc from the city’s social scenes as well?
I present to you, Coggin’s Common Sense.
I. Of the Origin and Design of Diner en Blanc, With Concise Remarks on Why This Sucks
Hey look, we all know this is a French foreign concept designed around the basis of scamming hard working Philadelphians out of hundreds of dollars to eat carrots and hummus in a historic parking lot across from McGlinchey’s. I can’t be any more clear on how stupid this all is.
Basically, you’re paying $112 for two tickets (plus a $28 member fee for two people) to lug your own items to an undisclosed location in the city WITHOUT THE USE OF WAGONS (allegedly) while your swamp ass is making your new $35 Kohls chinos remarkably transparent. Just light that money on fire and sit in your hot car eating garbage if you think it’s a good time.
How the fuck are you supposed to hump your nonsense 300 klicks down Broad Street without the use of a wagon?! A penny farthing? Get the hell out of here.
II. Of Diner en Blanc and the Hilarity of its Nonsense
It’s very well established at this point the event is nothing more than an opportunity to post on social media to brag to your friends about how cultured you are.
“Enjoying this homemade ceviche boo made at Diner en Blanc! #tastesfunky #Ifeelnauseous #dysentary”
Just save your hard-earned money and check yourself into an emergency room now for uncontrolled bowel movements and dehydration due to vomiting.
III. Thoughts on the Present State of Diner en Blanc
It sucks ass.
IV. Of the Present Ability of Philadelphia to Thwart This Scourge
I’ve been writing about this for six years now. Six long, tired years tinged with nothing more than runny poop and vomit jokes to implore Philadelphians realize that there is so much more to this city than paying to eat your own food in a crowded night out with strangers.
This is the year. It really is. I can feel it. Philadelphians will rise up against the tyranny that is Diner en Blanc and understand what hysterical garbage this has all been. Do you remember why the colonists stood up against Great Britain 250 years ago? No taxation without representation…and it’s exactly WHY Philadelphia today should stand up to the despotic rule of Diner en Blanc! You’re paying to EAT YOUR OWN FOOD, SIT IN YOUR OWN CHAIRS, AND SWEAT YOUR OWN SWEAT…and get what in return?! You are not represented by this event, you do not receive anything in return, so why are you being taxed to do all of the manual labor and sit with strangers amongst their putrid body odor?
No, NO, I WON’T STAND FOR IT! This is the year we rise up and say NO MORE to this! I regret I have but one life to give to my city decrying this ridiculous social soiree. No more will you have to pretend this is something to enjoy! No more Philadelphia! It’s time for a revolution to free yourselves from the shackles of oppression that is Diner en Blanc! Gather up your tri-cornered Eagles hats and let loose on the cruel men and women who make this an oppressive reality every summer.
Take your chairs, take your tables, take your underwhelming prosciutto and fix crostinis and dump them in the Delaware River in defiance of these oppressors, I beseech you all!
Look to freedom, look to independence, look as always to Diner En Heights. $10 gets you a red solo cup with keg access and at least two slices of pizza from Ralph’s on Station Avenue. Judging from the popularity of the idea last time, we’ll move it out from the backyard to the street. Don’t worry about the neighbors, they’ll be as piss-drunk as the rest of the us.
See everyone there. If you wear white you will not be admitted.
*editor’s note: One of our guys was listening to Preston and Steve this morning and he says Marisa Magnatta CONFIRMED that wagons are not allowed. So there’s that.
I have no merits or accomplishments worth noting. Founder of Philadelphia's most trusted sports blog, The Coggin Toboggan. Everything I have ever written up until this very moment has been utter garbage.