The Phillies Batting Practice Pitching Auditions are More Entertaining than the Team

Coggin Toboggan - April 5, 2018

If you’ve ever wanted to be a part of a middling baseball franchise that’s gotten off to a horrendously depressing start in what was supposed to be a vastly improved season, then, my friend, do I have some news for you.

The Phillies put out an interesting call on social media last week, asking for YouTube-submitted applications from left-handed fans who were interested in tossing batting practice during home games this season. Let embattled meathead coach Gabe Kapler give you all the bold details himself:

Alright, this is pretty cool. The Phillies are giving fans the opportunity of a lifetime to toss BP at Citizens Bank Park and interact with some of their favorite athletes. Neat! Of course, this is also a great opportunity for bloggers, since all submissions had to be posted on YouTube for consideration, giving cowards like myself the opportunity to shit all over someone’s dream (basically the internet in a nutshell) from the safety of my own living room.

Before we delve in, though, I know what you’re thinking; this guy is going to be a huge asshole to these poor people when all they did was put themselves out there. They’re taking a big chance, right? Maybe he should put his money where his mouth is and let us see an audition video of his own?

Let me assure you that if I were left-handed I would undoubtedly submit a video and dazzle YouTube viewers with an array of crafty off-speed pitches, pinpoint location, and filthy heat that would have Gabe Kapler reaching for his well-worn jar of coconut oil and THANKING GOD that the Lord created an arm such as mine.

Unfortunately for the Phillies, and for baseball fans throughout the world, I’m not a southpaw, and thus ineligible for the job. My talents are wasted because the franchise refuses to accept a right-handed pitcher. It’s an out and out case of prejudice and it makes my soul weep.

So it will have to be someone else.

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Why Do We Care About Rat-Faced Colin Cowherd?

Coggin Toboggan - March 22, 2018

Last night the 76ers captured their 40th win of the 2017-2018 season, catapulted themselves into the fourth seed in the Eastern Conference playoff race, and years of losing melted away as the franchise seemingly positioned itself to be a serious contender for the next several years.

It’s an apex moment for a franchise that has toiled through The Process (which 100% worked) and years of mediocre shit, so why was social media abuzz last night about hobgoblin Colin Cowherd, purveyor of horrendous sports talk radio and known troll of all that is good and pure about sports?

Cowherd decided to welch on a bet he made he with a random 76ers fan at the beginning of the season when he said there was no chance this team would win 40 games. Cowherd promised he would wear a 76ers jersey on air if the team reached that mark, and after they did he immediately decided to needle the city of Philadelphia.

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What’s Eating at Richaun Holmes?

Coggin Toboggan - March 7, 2018

Josh Lloyd, the lead fantasy basketball analyst of Basketball Monster and Locked on Fantasy, tweeted out an interesting nugget that could possibly have some future implications for the 76ers after their 128 to 114 victory over the lowly Charlotte Hornets:

The alleged tweet came after Holmes only played three minutes (all in garbage time after the starters for both teams had been pulled) in the 76ers’ 35th victory of the season. If true, was Holmes finally displaying some displeasure with head coach Brett Brown’s decision to play Amir Johnson 13 minutes in relief of Joel Embiid?

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New Pictures Show The Weathered State Of The Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell

Coggin Toboggan - February 26, 2018

Sean Scollon, chief business intelligence officer at C.W. Dunnet and Co., surprised us this morning with a fresh batch of Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell pictures from the afternoon it was transported from the food distributor warehouse to the Phillies.

As you will see after the jump, the bell was lifted in two pieces by a crane and transported by a flatbed truck. The Phillies procured the bell from C.W. Dunnet and Co. last fall.

The Phillies will refurbish the bell and display it at Citizens Bank Park by the 2019 season.

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Phillies Plan To Refurbish And Display Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell At CBP By 2019

Coggin Toboggan - February 23, 2018

Back in 2012, I sent an email to a contact I had within the Phillies organization that included an odd request. Could he get me more information, and possibly the location, of the old Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell?

Six years later, after countless emails, dead ends, contradicting accounts, and one extraordinarily helpful South Philadelphia food distributing company president, I’ve learned the Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell has found a permanent home back with the Philadelphia Phillies.

“I wanted to let you know that we are no longer in possession of the Liberty Bell. A while back we were contacted by the Phillies organization about reacquiring the bell. After discussing it internally, we decided that the plans we had to display the bell were too ambitious for now, and returning the bell to the Phillies provided the best chance for it to be ‘resurrected’ and given a chance to be displayed and appreciated by Phillies fans again,” Sean Scollon, chief business intelligence officer at C.W. Dunnet and Co., told me.

James Trout, director of marketing services and events for the Phillies, confirmed the organization has the bell. The Phillies plan to refurbish the approximately 20-foot high, 15-foot wide relic and put it on display for fans at Citizens Bank Park as early as the 2019 season.

He also noted that any additional plans or location for the bell at the stadium is unknown at this point.

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The NBA Dunk Contest is Garbage, But Here’s How it can be Turned into Gold

Coggin Toboggan - February 19, 2018

If the NBA dunk contest was judged by who dressed up in the “coolest” costume while they dunked, the 2018 event would get a 50 score. No doubt.

Since it’s about dunking and not wardrobe changes, I think it’s fair to say that the latest dunk contest officially sucked.

On a night where three competitors changed into different uniforms (and promptly missed their dunks), it’s now more than clear that the dunk contest is in danger of dying a slow, mediocre death in front of bored fans half-heartedly holding up “10” signs.

I’m aware that this isn’t a new opinion, but the event saw a resurgence in 2016 with the fabulous Aaron Gordon/Zach Lavine showdown (Gordon got hosed) and it showed everyone that there were still dunks out there that nobody had ever seen.

So how do you fix the most popular/complained about event in the NBA All-Star weekend?

You bring in the Outsiders.

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Even With a Change in Scenery, Jahlil Okafor is Still an Affront to Everything Good and Pure About Basketball

Coggin Toboggan - February 15, 2018

Things were supposed to be different in the past two months for Jahlil Okafor and the Brooklyn Nets.

You remember all the reasons why he would turns things around with the Nets, don’t you? He was the #3 pick in the draft for a reason, right? He changed his diet this year, he’s a vegetarian now! He’s in great shape this year, but the 76ers weren’t giving him a chance to play! He just needed a change of scenery to become great again! It’s not his fault, the 76ers screwed with his head for a season and a half! The 76ers coaching staff didn’t help him become a better player, it was their fault, not his!

Except after 22 games with the Brooklyn Nets, maybe none of those were true at all? Maybe a coaching staff can’t help a lost cause who hasn’t evolved one aspect of his game in three years.

Maybe… just maybe… he’s not a good basketball player.

Maybe he’s simply a huge black hole when he’s on the court, sucking all intelligent basketball and smart decision making into his gravitational pull to be lost forever. Just a big blob of awful defense, turnovers, and the same three post-up moves you’ve seen since his days at Duke.

It’s insane to think that we live in a world where journeyman center Trevor Booker is a more polished and effective player than Okafor. Emeka Okafor has logged more starts in an NBA uniform THIS YEAR than Jahlil Okafor, and Emeka Okafor has only started one game.

You can find a lot of statistical evidence that proves just how ineffective Okafor has been for the Nets since his trade, but two particular stats after the jump are the most striking pieces of evidence for his on-court futility.

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Let’s All Delight in Patriots Fans Claiming the Eagles Cheated

Coggin Toboggan - February 5, 2018

Oh sweet irony, thou art Patriots fans claiming they were cheated out of the Super Bowl.

There is something especially delightful about watching them scramble on Twitter to assess blame after last night’s loss to the Eagles. There’s no way the mighty Patriots could EVER lose a Super Bowl with TAWMMY TOUCHDOWN at the helm, so something must be up, right? There must be some HUGE conspiracy afoot to keep New England from winning yet another championship.

Every Jacob from Dorchester and Jamie-Lynn from Beacon Hill are looking for their own version of deep throat to prove that the fix was in for the Eagles.

It’s just lovely. Let’s delight in their collective misery, shall we?

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