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Is Jim Schwartz Smart Enough to Understand He’s Not a Head Coach?

Coggin Toboggan - January 8, 2018

If you believe the rumors, next year Jim Schwartz will be the newest head coach of the New York Giants. Or the Arizona Cardinals. Or the Indianapolis Colts. Or the Chicago Bears. Every off-season one assistant coach or coordinator is the hot coaching ticket to fill one of the vacancies for the numerous shit-canned head coaches from the previous season.

I understand why the Giants’ fan base would be excited to hire a guy like Schwartz. Great defensive coordinator. Firey attitude. Smart, sharp hairline without a trace of hair gel to remind them of the ex-greaser failure Ben McAdoo.

But here’s the thing….Jim Schwartz is not head coaching material and hopefully he’s smart enough to know it.

Schwartz has a good thing going with the Eagles. The media loves him, he gets to coach an extraordinarily young and talented group of defenders, and he doesn’t have to worry about ANYTHING on the other side of the ball. All of his energy can be used to cook up new and intricate defensive schemes to terrorize NFC East opponents and administer vast amounts of head trauma to opposing quarterbacks.

It’s perfect for him, and at the same time it’s what made him such an abject failure as a head coach in Detroit.

Oh, do you not recall his tenure as head coach of the Detroit Lions? It’s probably because he went 29-51 over the course of five forgettable seasons. Yes, he went 10-6 one year, but the one thing anyone even remotely remembers about that season was his tug of war handshake with Jim Harbaugh. Do you remember anything else? I’m sure Matt Stafford threw a few touchdowns to Calvin Johnson – with fans getting excited because THIS WAS THE YEAR the Lions would actually “make some noise” in the playoffs – and then threw some horrendous interceptions in their one and only playoff game and that was the end of the season…what else could have happened? Continue Reading

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Enough with Don Tollefson

Coggin Toboggan - December 6, 2017

The Don Tollefson redemption tour has officially started.

In case you missed it, NBC 10’s Jim Rosenfield spoke with Tollefson about the disgraced sportscaster’s role in scamming over $340,000 from sports fans through his charity’s fundraisers, selling more than 200 people bogus tickets and travel packages that never materialized or came to any type of fruition.

Enough with Don Tollefson.

I understand why he’s still a story, and why NBC 10 would want to interview him, but did the interview have to have such a feel good vibe to it? Literally the first words of the piece are Tollefson saying, “I feel tremendous!” and Rosenfeld then commenting that Tollefson “looked fit when we sat down to talk.”

NBC 10 made sure to first establish that Tollefson looks well after his lengthy prison stay. Perfect. Everyone was very worried that Tollefson’s stint in prison may have left him looking haggard and unrested.

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Don’t Pray for Dolphins Fans, They’re Already Dead

Coggin Toboggan - October 31, 2017

Poor Miami Dolphins fans. First the franchise loses its young, FINALLY successful quarterback Ryan Tannehill when he shredded every ligament in his knee during a non-contact play in training camp. THEN they decided to replace him with a barely coherent and decidedly uninterested Jay Cutler, who likely spent all off-season ripping Marlboro Reds and “training” for his new job as an announcer for CBS. Surprisingly, that well-thought-out move has not been a good one, to the tune of Cutler averaging 165 yards per game with only seven touchdowns, five interceptions, and 8 million blank-faced stares as he wondered why he decided to come out of retirement for this. FOR THIS.

Their offensive line coach took a video of himself allegedly snorting rails of cocaine to impress a stripper that was PROMPTLY released to social media…which may not even be the most embarrassing thing to happen to the franchise in the month of October, considering they just traded an All-Pro running back who is only 24 years old and under contract next season for $765,000.

Oh yeah, and there was a hurricane in there somewhere as well. That sucked.

Sorry, Miami. It’s been a rough Fall for everyone involved…so lets continue to pile on, shall we? Lets take a look at some of the most tortured Tweets from this morning from our friends down in the Sunshine State after the jump.

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The Process is Dead, Long Live The Process

Coggin Toboggan - October 18, 2017

The 76ers season starts in earnest tonight, driving the last nail into the coffin of The Process, the singular greatest/worst/cheapest franchise strategy ever seen in the NBA.

It was three years of either unending entertainment and a collective “fuck you” to the NBA and its team owners, or three years of unending embarrassment for fans that had to watch win totals of 19, 18, and 10 from 2013 to 2016.

It was awesome.

I’m sorry, it was. There has never been a bigger divide among Sixers fans in this franchise’s history. NEVER. You either were all-in, deifying Sam Hinkie as the genius architect of The Process, or you cursed Hinkie as a jowly, overly analytical loser who purposefully made the franchise so bad that they could acquire a greater amount of precious, precious “assets” in the hopes that one of them would eventually pan out.

I fucking loved it. The idea that a pale nerd, who looks like he could hardly dribble a basketball, turned the NBA on its head by declaring that the Sixers would SEEK to be awful (and thus improve their chances to be great) and could evoke such tremendous emotion from basketball fans throughout the country is insane.

It was a shadowy practice only discussed in half-joking, hushed tones from fans, put into practice from possibly the least impressive looking man that has ever stepped foot on a basketball court in any fashion.

You loved Hinkie or you hated him. People either wanted to punch him or fuck him. There was no in-between.

Blogs were created purely to discuss his genius. Podcasts were launched. His swollen face and sly grin are plastered on t-shirts that grown men proudly wear in public. Sixers Twitter exploded, with his legion of followers ready to pounce on the non-believers who dared to question his vision, or who didn’t understand his devotion to second round draft picks, or his willingness to swindle salary-cap-strained franchises with an eye for a payoff YEARS down the road. Continue Reading

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Markelle Fultz Declared a Bust by the Dumbest Twitter Has to Offer

Coggin Toboggan - October 5, 2017

Are we really doing this? Seriously, are we already cursing the heavens for our foul luck with drafting Markelle Fultz? We’re calling him a bust in this city after ONE preseason game? Hell, people were writing him off after one half last night, so I guess if you waited until the end of the game you were a bit more balanced in your assessment.

COLIN COWHERD WAS RIGHT. We do suck.

True, Fultz did look a little lost at times last night and struggled to get anything going offensively. Weird that a 19-year-old would be overwhelmed playing in his first professional NBA game. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

The Sixers Twitter overreaction to his first taste of NBA basketball is insane. The way morons were tweeting about his demise you’d have thought there was a line of people at the Ben Franklin Bridge waiting to cast themselves to their watery grave. Should’ve taken Lonzoooooooooooooooooooooo. Splash.

These Tweets deserve your mockery and scorn. In the Victorian ages, their authors would’ve been forced to wear a scarlet “O” on their lapels and publicly shamed for the rest of their miserable existences (O for “overreacter”…Nathaniel Hawthorne loves that reference, believe me).

And we’re officially ROCKETING out of the gate. Incoherent complaint? Check. Use of a vulgar slur to describe Fultz’s play? Check. Declaring Fultz needs to prove you wrong after one half of poor play? Check. That’s the good stuff. Harrison, I salute your ham-handed attempt at criticism. Continue Reading

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Will We Ever Escape The Sixers’ Groundhog Day?

Coggin Toboggan - September 22, 2017

January 2017: Joel Embiid “feels great” after injury to knee, will only miss a few games.

Then put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb…

February 2017: Joel Embiid has a torn meniscus, but he won’t need surgery.

Then put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb…

March 24, 2017: Embiid’s meniscus repair surgery went just fine.

Then put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb…

Sept. 20, 2017: Embiid is progressing, but he’s not ready for 5-on-5

Then put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb…

Sept. 21, 2017: Jahlil Okafor will have every chance to play while being shopped by the 76ers.

Where have we heard this before? Embiid is hurt and the Sixers don’t know when, or if, he’ll be a full-go. Okafor is in the best shape of his life and he’ll have every opportunity to play so he can be dealt to the highest bidder.

Didn’t this all happen last year? And the year before? And the year before that? Did Embiid hurt his knee bowling in the offseason, or was that someone else? When does it end? Will it ever end? Will we all be living the same tortured season year in and year out for the rest of our lives? It’s possible we will.

God that is depressing.

I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last the rest of your life.

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What Did Doug Pederson Do to Piss off Mike Lombardi?

Coggin Toboggan - September 5, 2017

Former New England Patriots executive and Cleveland Browns GM, and current doer at The Ringer, Mike Lombardi, completely burned down and salted the Earth of Eagles head coach Doug Pederson in a scathing review of his 2016 performance. Here once again are his comments, as transcribed by Brandon Lee Gowton of Bleeding Green Nation:

My beloved 76ers once hired a guy by the name of Roy Rubin from Long Island University. Poor Roy. He finished 4-47 before the Sixers canned him. 4-47! Years later, Fred Carter said ‘Letting Rubin coach was like letting a teenager run a big corporation.’

Hey Fred, meet the Eagles’ head coach, Doug Pederson! Now, everybody knows Pederson isn’t a head coach. He might be less qualified to coach a team than anyone I’ve ever seen in my 30-plus years in the NFL.

Look, the Eagles looked increasingly sloppy and unprepared as the 2016 season limped along. That ain’t changing in ’17.

Only Carson Wentz can save Pederson’s job, and Wentz actually got worse during his rookie year, not better.

When will the Eagles admit their mistake? Will they throw away 2017 by stubbornly sticking to the Pederson Principle?

The immortal Roy Rubin lasted 51 games. I bet Doug Pederson lasts way less than that.”

Jesus Christ. Sure, Doug isn’t Bill Belichick, but I didn’t think he evoked that kind of emotion from anyone. Why would he?

My question is, WHAT THE HELL DID DOUG PEDERSON DO TO MIKE LOMBARDI? Good god, I demand answers. It must have been something awful, because who would devote that much energy into eviscerating Douggy P? Did Pederson and Lombardi have words at an off-season golf tournament and Pederson throw a punch (if he did, it was probably a slowly developing, sweeping blow to the outside that did little-to-nothing)? What did he do? TALK TO ME, MIKEY!

It’s so over the top… the least qualified coach in the past 30-plus years in the NFL? The guy did play quarterback in the league for more than a decade (not all that well, but he was out there) and had seven previous years of experience in NFL coaching before landing his first head coaching gig. Andy Reid only had six years of coaching experience before getting his first head coaching job, and he had never held a position higher than quarterbacks coach. Also, he’s morbidly obese.

I don’t even care that Lombardi ripped Crusher’s still beating heart from his chest and slapped it across his face – hell, he probably deserves it – but he’s such low-hanging fruit! He’s a milquetoast coach that wears a goofy visor whose players seem to enjoy playing for him and who makes an odd decision on 4th down every now and again. That’s literally the most interesting thing about Doug Pederson– he punts when he should kick. What did he do to deserve Lombardi’s wrath? It’s just weird to devote that much energy to an opinion on a guy like Pederson. Continue Reading

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Solving Philadelphia’s Sports Talk Radio Problem

Coggin Toboggan - August 31, 2017

If you’re under the age of 50 and above the age of 15, it’s obvious that Philadelphia has a sports talk radio problem. This city is big enough for two separate stations to fill nearly 24-hours of original content every single day, so why do listeners have to restrain themselves from putting a boot through their radio after listening for an average of two minutes?

The answer isn’t an easy one, but I’d like to propose a potential four-step solution that I think will help improve sports talk radio in Philadelphia.

Step 1: Fill a room sky high in both the 97.5 Fanatic and 94 WIP studios with wheels of mozzarella, arms of salami, slabs of mortadella, Rocky Blu-rays, back issues of Playboy from 1984 and knock-off Chinese made Eagles jerseys.

Hang a sign from the door marked “Free.”

Step 2: Wait until room is filled. When at capacity, crack open door and throw in smoke bomb.

Step 3: Amidst confusion, send in army of interns with large burlap sacks. Stuff hosts into said sacks with notices of termination. Tag each host with tracking device to collect valuable data on the mating habits of the morbidly obese. Hire a forklift if interns alone cannot successfully remove hosts from their respective stations. Be prepared to widen doorways throughout each building. Unceremoniously dump fired, confused hosts in alleyway. Congratulate self on job well done.

Step 4: Hire new hosts.

Sure, it may seem harsh, but the unoriginality of the medium is so deeply entrenched in both stations that they need to be completely uprooted. They have such an incestuous relationship that it’s not a matter of “if” a fired host will find another job at the rival station, but only a matter of “when.” Rob Ellis. Anthony Gargano. Jon Marks. Tony Bruno. Mike Missanelli. All failed or otherwise flamed out at their respective stations…all found homes at the rival station. Continue Reading

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