If you’ve ever wanted to be a part of a middling baseball franchise that’s gotten off to a horrendously depressing start in what was supposed to be a vastly improved season, then, my friend, do I have some news for you.
The Phillies put out an interesting call on social media last week, asking for YouTube-submitted applications from left-handed fans who were interested in tossing batting practice during home games this season. Let embattled meathead coach Gabe Kapler give you all the bold details himself:
Are you a lefty with (somewhat of) a cannon arm and a dream of being in the big leagues?
It’s not too late – @gabekapler is looking for a left-handed BP pitcher to throw to our guys at CBP all season!
— Philadelphia Phillies (@Phillies) March 28, 2018
Alright, this is pretty cool. The Phillies are giving fans the opportunity of a lifetime to toss BP at Citizens Bank Park and interact with some of their favorite athletes. Neat! Of course, this is also a great opportunity for bloggers, since all submissions had to be posted on YouTube for consideration, giving cowards like myself the opportunity to shit all over someone’s dream (basically the internet in a nutshell) from the safety of my own living room.
Before we delve in, though, I know what you’re thinking; this guy is going to be a huge asshole to these poor people when all they did was put themselves out there. They’re taking a big chance, right? Maybe he should put his money where his mouth is and let us see an audition video of his own?
Let me assure you that if I were left-handed I would undoubtedly submit a video and dazzle YouTube viewers with an array of crafty off-speed pitches, pinpoint location, and filthy heat that would have Gabe Kapler reaching for his well-worn jar of coconut oil and THANKING GOD that the Lord created an arm such as mine.
Unfortunately for the Phillies, and for baseball fans throughout the world, I’m not a southpaw, and thus ineligible for the job. My talents are wasted because the franchise refuses to accept a right-handed pitcher. It’s an out and out case of prejudice and it makes my soul weep.
So it will have to be someone else.