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Whatever it Takes, Dude (I have no Firearm)

Coggin Toboggan - June 13, 2018

The Linden Police Department released two pieces of body-cam footage today from the arrest of Lenny Dykstra on May 23 after an Uber driver pulled into the Linden Police headquarters and told officers Dykstra had threatened him with a gun.

According to a story from NBC Sports Philadelphia, the Uber driver pulled into the Linden police headquarters at 3:30 a.m. on May 23, alerting officers by honking his horn several times and fleeing the vehicle that contained Dykstra. The driver claimed Dykstra pulled a gun on him and threatened to shoot him after he changed his destination.

Dykstra told officers that the driver “kidnapped him” and wouldn’t let him out of his car.

Officers questioned Dykstra and released the footage of his arrest. It’s….it’s definitely something. What a fucking mess. Still, I would have rather seen him at the 1993 Phillies celebration this past weekend instead of Curt Schilling.

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Woj Bomb Alert Issued for Philadelphia as Brett Brown Reportedly Agrees to 3-year Extension

Coggin Toboggan - May 29, 2018

Big news for all the Brett Brown lovers and haters in the city of Philadelphia, as Adrian Wojnarowski of ESPN reported minutes ago that the 76ers head coach has agreed to a three-year contract extension:

The extension will keep him in Philadelphia through the 2021-2022 season:

Brown steered the 76ers to a 52-30 regular season record and the team’s first playoff series win since 2012.

Kevin Kinkead will have more on the extension and what it means for the franchise tomorrow.

From Youtube to the Philadelphia Phillies

Coggin Toboggan - May 23, 2018

“Last night I almost hit Herrera,” Shawn Senior, 46, the newest member of the Phillies organization told me less than 24-hours after making his debut as the team’s new left-handed batting practice pitcher.

Beaning Odubel Herrera in the bowels of Citizens Bank Park the first day of your newest position would not be the best way to start your career with a major league franchise.

“The ball clipped the L-Screen as I was throwing past it, It was going towards him and it actually went behind him. I would hope I won’t hit anyone, but I’m sure if I throw enough one or two will fly. I’m sure I won’t be the first or the last person to do it,” he said.

And so went Senior’s debut at the big league level, albeit a different one he likely dreamed of when he graduated from Cherry Hill West in 1990 and N.C. State in 1993 as a star pitcher.

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Phillies Select Fan from Cherry Hill as Batting Practice Pitcher

Coggin Toboggan - May 22, 2018

At the start of the season, the Phillies put out an interesting call on their social media platforms, asking for YouTube-submitted applications from left-handed fans who were interested in tossing batting practice during home games this season.

The Phillies found their man and he’s starting his job tonight, according to Bonnie Clark, vice president of communications with the team.

Shawn Senior, a resident of Cherry Hill, will toss left-handed batting practice before tonight’s game against the Atlanta Braves and will be on hand this season to throw before every home game.

The Phillies had over 400 applicants for the position and narrowed it down to seven finalists, Clark confirmed, before selecting Senior.

Senior has professional baseball experience, as he was drafted by the Boston Red Sox in 1993 and played for four seasons in their minor league system.

Over four seasons he won 38 games, lost 33, and had a 3.99 ERA, according to The Baseball Cube.

You can buy his minor league card for $1 on Amazon as we speak.

Did Game Three Just Become a Huge Moment in Ben Simmons’ Career?

Coggin Toboggan - May 4, 2018

I wholly realize this may be insanely reactionary due to witnessing the worst game Ben Simmons played in his NBA career last night, but game three is suddenly looming as a massive moment for the talented 76ers point guard.

Forget about this being an absolute do-or-die game in the series. It feels huge for Simmons’ career.

If he plays poorly, if he turtles again and can’t find a way to make a positive impact in game three, if he starts to hear the boos creep in from the bowels of the Wells Fargo Center… how will it affect him?

Fellow rookies Donovan Mitchell and Jayson Tatum are having hell of a lot better 2nd round postseason performances so far, while Simmons is shrinking on the national stage. You’re kidding yourself if you don’t think he’s noticed the points Mitchell is putting up against the Rockets, or the clutch shots Tatum has been drilling this round.

And how did he react last night? One point. One goddamn point, five turnovers, and a whopping -23 on the night. Plus-minus can be misleading, but he had far and away the worst plus-minus on the team and it really didn’t seem to matter who was playing with him at any given point. It was a flood of shit and nobody could stop the leak when Simmons was on the floor.

To be blunt, he was worthless, nothing more than a slightly above average defensive player.

For the first time in his life Simmons played like a true rookie. He looked lost, he looked overwhelmed, and at times he looked like he had absolutely no idea what to do when the ball was in his hands (unless it was to pick up his dribble or try to bull-rush his way to the basket for the 10,000th time this series).

Did the crowd get to him? Did the stingy Celtics defense beat him down? I’m not sure. Either way, he had no business being out on the court during the last four minutes of the game when T.J. fucking McConnell was completely outplaying him.

You know Simmons has hit rock bottom when this fanbase is clamoring for T.J. McConnell to take his crunch time minutes and they were right to do so.

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Thank You to Whomever Sold their Soul to the Devil for this to Happen to Philadelphia

Coggin Toboggan - April 25, 2018

It’s the only possible explanation, right? For all of the sustained, unexpected success this city has experienced in the sports realm in the last 10 months. What else could it be? Some long-suffering fan was finally tired of losing, sick of Philadelphia being the butt of every joke, and they signed a contract made of human skin with their own blood and handed their soul over to the Devil to see the Eagles hoist the Lombardi trophy and the 76ers have a decent playoff run.

Whoever did it, thanks for the effort. Great hustle. We’ll keep you in our thoughts and prayers while Beelzebub is poking your eyes out with a pitchfork for the rest of eternity.

Or, if we’re being honest, you’ll just be rotting away in the ground and slowly slipping away from the memories of your loved ones because there is no God or afterlife.

But hey, great win! 10, 9, 8, 76ers!

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The Phillies Batting Practice Pitching Auditions are More Entertaining than the Team

Coggin Toboggan - April 5, 2018

If you’ve ever wanted to be a part of a middling baseball franchise that’s gotten off to a horrendously depressing start in what was supposed to be a vastly improved season, then, my friend, do I have some news for you.

The Phillies put out an interesting call on social media last week, asking for YouTube-submitted applications from left-handed fans who were interested in tossing batting practice during home games this season. Let embattled meathead coach Gabe Kapler give you all the bold details himself:

Alright, this is pretty cool. The Phillies are giving fans the opportunity of a lifetime to toss BP at Citizens Bank Park and interact with some of their favorite athletes. Neat! Of course, this is also a great opportunity for bloggers, since all submissions had to be posted on YouTube for consideration, giving cowards like myself the opportunity to shit all over someone’s dream (basically the internet in a nutshell) from the safety of my own living room.

Before we delve in, though, I know what you’re thinking; this guy is going to be a huge asshole to these poor people when all they did was put themselves out there. They’re taking a big chance, right? Maybe he should put his money where his mouth is and let us see an audition video of his own?

Let me assure you that if I were left-handed I would undoubtedly submit a video and dazzle YouTube viewers with an array of crafty off-speed pitches, pinpoint location, and filthy heat that would have Gabe Kapler reaching for his well-worn jar of coconut oil and THANKING GOD that the Lord created an arm such as mine.

Unfortunately for the Phillies, and for baseball fans throughout the world, I’m not a southpaw, and thus ineligible for the job. My talents are wasted because the franchise refuses to accept a right-handed pitcher. It’s an out and out case of prejudice and it makes my soul weep.

So it will have to be someone else.

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Why Do We Care About Rat-Faced Colin Cowherd?

Coggin Toboggan - March 22, 2018

Last night the 76ers captured their 40th win of the 2017-2018 season, catapulted themselves into the fourth seed in the Eastern Conference playoff race, and years of losing melted away as the franchise seemingly positioned itself to be a serious contender for the next several years.

It’s an apex moment for a franchise that has toiled through The Process (which 100% worked) and years of mediocre shit, so why was social media abuzz last night about hobgoblin Colin Cowherd, purveyor of horrendous sports talk radio and known troll of all that is good and pure about sports?

Cowherd decided to welch on a bet he made he with a random 76ers fan at the beginning of the season when he said there was no chance this team would win 40 games. Cowherd promised he would wear a 76ers jersey on air if the team reached that mark, and after they did he immediately decided to needle the city of Philadelphia.

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