Ad Disclosure
This Philadelphia Parallel Parking Competition is Illegitimate
Published:
Craig dropped this in our Slack channel. Apparently there is an organization called the PPPA, the Philadelphia Parallel Parking Association, which is holding a… parallel parking competition at some point in the fall.
The rules are as follows:
1. 10–15 participants will be selected to compete based on a combination of parallel parking experience, ability, and love of parallel parking. Participants must reside in the city of Philadelphia.
2. Each participant will compete in three demonstrations of parallel parking abilities.
3. For each event, participants will be ranked according to that event’s success metrics. Points will be awarded based on each participant’s ranking (e.g. 1st place = 10 points, 2nd place = 8 points, etc.).
4. The top 3 participants across the three events will advance to the finals.
5. The participant with the highest score in the final round will be awarded the title of Best Parallel Parker in Philadelphia 2026.
6. Backup cameras are permitted. Self-parking systems are not.
They had me until the end, bullet point #6. If you’re a true parallel parker, you don’t use a backup camera. You’d have to be a humongous pussy to use a backup camera in a parallel parking competition.
Everybody knows that the best parallel parkers in Philadelphia are raw doggers. They aren’t aggressive, but they’re assertive. They see a spot and go for it. They don’t circle the block. They don’t become anxious because there’s somebody behind them, waiting. That doesn’t affect their performance. They attack the challenge like J.T. Realmuto attacks second base in a brain fart situation. And it doesn’t matter what they’re driving. They can parallel park a mini cooper on Sansom or an Abrams Tank at 5 p.m. on 9th and Passyunk, right in front of the cannoli place.
They are the best of the best.
It’s a good idea otherwise, but they need to drop the backup camera rule. Right now it’s illegitimate. But it could be legitimate with a few tweaks.
As Bryce Harper once said to MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, “if you want to talk about backup cameras, you can get the fuck out our clubhouse.”
(Stephanie Farr at the Inquirer talked to the guy behind this)
Kevin has been writing about Philadelphia sports since 2009. He spent seven years in the CBS 3 sports department and started with the Union during the team's 2010 inaugural season. He went to the academic powerhouses of Boyertown High School and West Virginia University. email - k.kinkead@sportradar.com