Posts for alex

Hey, Let’s Make Fun of People: Ovechkin’s Bracket, Bryce Harper (Of Course), and a Well-Placed Ville Leino Joke

Kyle Scott - March 15, 2012

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This here is Alex Ovechkin’s NCAA bracket, which look more like a half-assed flow chart… or the final quarter of a bowl of Cheerios. Ooooooooooooo.

Photo taken by reporter Joel Ward, via SB Nation

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Photo: GQ

– Bryce Harper was interviewed for GQ Magazine and said things that were, predictably, douchey:

Now that Harper's the one hurt, he takes a hop-step out of the box. Again: "Fuuuuuuck!!!" A violent toss of his custom-made Marucci bat—inscribed with LUKE 1:37 ("For with God nothing shall be impossible")—across the batting cage. "Fuck it, I'm done." Harper shakes his hands vigorously and shoves them into a pile of infield dirt adjacent to the cage. "I didn't know I was hitting today, and I don't have my goddamned gloves," he says. "It hurts like a dick." 

In other words: Harper is awesome—exactly what baseball needs. He's essentially a throwback: a cocky, ornery cuss who can back it all up. Ty Cobb minus the racism and chaw, Lenny Dykstra before the bankruptcy. He tells me Pete Rose, a.k.a. Charlie Hustle, is his favorite player and that "I want to play the game hard. I want to ram it down your throat, put you into left field when I'm going into second base."


Bryce Harper is 19.

Full GQ article here

– Finally, we’ll conclude this brief installment with a screenshot of the Wikipedia entry for Valuation (finance), specifically the “new asset value method” section: [thanks to reader Justin]

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You can click to enlarge. It reads: Professional sports has a different net asset value method which sometimes can break down and cause team to make horrible decisions while signing players (see Buffalo Sabres/Ville Leino).

I’m not usually one for posting wild Wikipedia entries, but the fact that someone went through the time to throw a Ville Leino joke into a quite serious entry for Valuation makes me laugh. Also, it’s 100% accurate.

This is a Video of Alex Morgan Wearing Only Body Paint

Kyle Scott - February 14, 2012

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The bastards at Sports Illustrated, in an effort to break up every relationship in America on Valentine’s Day, released the Swimsuit Edition today. Kate Upton is on the cover, wearing – at best – tea leaves tied together by string. And, returning for another year to prove that God still exists is everybody’s favorite section: bodypainting.

As you may have already heard, this year’s paintees(?) include US Olympic Swimmer Natalie Coughlin, golfer Natalie Gulbis, and U.S. Women’s Soccer player Alex Morgan.

Deep breath.

That sound you hear is cupid firing arrows into the heavens while males across the globe collectively Tebow.

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The pictures of Morgan are somewhat disappointing, though, as we learn that it wasn’t just a super-restrictive Nike sports bra doing the dirty work in the World Cup– Alex really doesn’t have any boobs. But, then we realized there was a video of the photo shoot, and all was right with the world. 

The moving picture actually includes the following line from Morgan: It was art today that they drew on me, I didn’t feel like I was naked, at all. Sometimes I would get uncomfortable, and then I would look at myself in the mirror and go “oh, I’m fine, I have a swimsuit on.”

Jesus. Obama should hire the evil geniuses who convinced her of that line to talk down Ahmadinejad. That’s the real art here– spinning nudity into whatever she just said.

The video, for your viewing pleasure, is after the jump.

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Video: Alex Ovechkin Rapping

Kyle Scott - January 16, 2012

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All-Star Alex Ovechkin, owner of numbers inferior to Scott Hartnell, is in a Russian rap video. 

These are his lyrics: [transcription via Russian Machine]

Alumni of Dynamo

Eight on the back. 

In the All-Star game all attention is on me. 

On the NatTeam since 17

Scored 100 points in a season

Gold Medal in Canada in ‘08

Among the 10 best players of the decade, 

Stick in my hands, rap in my headphones, 

Saying hello from Washington

Together with Sanya Belyi

For every champion 



Anyway, the video is after the jump. Fun starts at 2:55 mark.

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Alex Ovechkin Tweets Picture of New Girlfriend, “His Queen”

Kyle Scott - November 30, 2011

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You know what that Tweet says? It says F-you, I'm the best hockey player in the world and I'm dating a Russian tennis player-model. Deal with it. 

This is why you play hockey, kids.

Ovechkin's new girlfriend, his queen, is 24-year-old tennis player Maria Kirilenko, who has also done some modeling for Sports Illustrated.

On Monday, the Montreal Gazette ran this story, speculating about the new couple:

On pretty good authority, Kirilenko is apparently done with longtime boyfriend Igor Andreev and has taken up with … Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin.

Yup, Alex Ovechkin.

Ovechkin has been spotted at a Kirilenko practice. And she was spotted at a Capitals game – weeks ago. And practices.


Yeah, well, Ovi confirmed that one today. As is the case with most things D.C., my knee-jerk reaction was to make fun of (insert athlete, team, wife, fans, politician), but… well, I got nothing. Not only is Maria talented and dating a millionaire, but she’s also cute, and not in that slutty sort of I’m banging a hockey player way, either– she’s genuinely attractive. And she looks… nice.

I quick Googled her with the goal of turning up some dirt that sign man can throw up against the glass– nothing. All I got was this… - throws controller

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And a bunch more that are after the jump… because I know you’ll click to continue reading.

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A-Rod Being Investigated for Playing Illegal Poker

Kyle Scott - August 3, 2011



Oh A-Rod. When you have a $275 millioin contract, you think one wouldn’t need to gamble. Of course, we know that sort of money only fuels the competitive fire. We would expect nothing less from a man who has a painting of himself as a centaur above his bed: [Radar Online]

Star first blew the lid off Tinseltown’s clandestine gambling ring in June, revealing that A-list stars including Tobey Maguire,Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon were deeply involved in the illegal games.

Now, in a dramatic turn, A-Rod is facing potential fallout from Major League Baseball, which previously warned him to stay out of illegal poker clubs and now has two investigators looking into his activities.

While the 36-year-old boyfriend of actress Cameron Diaz previously denied participating in the celebrity games, former players in the ring say otherwise and have indicated they’re willing to provide testimony to MLB investigators.


ESPN adds to the report and says that A-Rod was at a Beverly Hills mansion where the illegal games went down. On one occasion, when cocaine was being openly used and a fight reportedly broke out, A-Rod paid-up (a few thousand dollars) and left.

Both reports say he wasn’t gambling on baseball, but was previously warned by Commissioner Selig about his poker playing.

Stay classy, Alex.

Alex Rodriguez is an Idiot

Kyle Scott - June 9, 2011


Not that you didn’t know that already, but we just like to hammer that point home from time to time.

According to CNBC’s sports business reporter, Darren Rovell, A-Rod is endorsing Vita Coco, one of the leaders in the latest coconut water fad- no, really. There’s one problem: [CNBC]

The folks at Zico, Vita Coco's biggest competitor, which is going head-to-head in a battle to become the leader in the growing $200 million space, say A-Rod is an investor in their company.

Mark Rampolla, Zico's CEO, told CNBC that he was surprised when he saw news of A-Rod's latest partnership.

"Alex has been an investor for a couple years," Rampolla said. "And it's not chump change either. It's a hell of a lot more money than I ever invested in the company."


To recap: Alex Rodriguez is promoting a product for, in effect, his own competitor.

When asked about it, A-Rod gave the douchiest answer possible:

"What I will say is that since Zico changed their formula to concentrate, I felt that the taste and functionality was compromised and that's when I started to only drink Vita Coco. I love the taste and purity of Vita Coco."


Oh my god. Did he just invoke his advanced coco-water palate? Hate probably isn't the right word to describe how you should feel about him… but disdain works.

Zico’s CEO said he has been sending Rodriguez his product for months, and even has video of him drinking the “from concentrate” version and recommending it.

If you’re thinking that his is really weird, don’t worry, so are we. 

Your Friday Afternoon Phillies Roundup: Cliff Lee Teams Up with Holman Auto, Alec Baldwin Takes Jab at Philly, A Mystery Novel About the 2008 World Series

Kyle Scott - April 8, 2011


FYI- these are not promotional posts. 

– It was only a matter of time until the Clifton landed a local sponsorship deal.

There were likely a number of local businesses clamoring (I just feel haute using that word) to work with Cliff. The early winner? The Holman Automotive Group.

Perhaps you have noticed the ads at CBP or the radio spots (I believe) that say Holman will donate $125 to CADEkids for every strikeout Clifton throws.

CADEkids is headquartered in Philadelphia, and its Prevention Specialists teach students to stop and evaluate difficult situations before acting, exercise impulse control, and steer clear of substance abuse, violence, and other destructive behaviors. Currently, CADEkids programs directly impact nearly 6,000 students. Since its inception, CADEkids has touched the lives of more than 400,000 children.

Here's a letter from Cliff (on the website):

Hi, this is Cliff Lee. I'm excited to be back with the Phillies and I'm also excited to join my new team, Holman Automotive. As you all know, I really wanted to come back to Philly. Joining the Holman Automotive team was an easy decision as well, given their 87-year winning history of integrity, family values and community involvement. Together, we have teamed up to give back to the kids in our communities.

Holman will be donating $150 to CADEkids for every strikeout I throw during the 2011 season. We're expecting a great year, so follow me on '' and watch the donation grow!

See you at the Ball Park!

Cliff Lee


Something tells me he didn't actually write that, but who cares? For every strikeout: Boom, help a child. It's a lot more productive than drinking a beer every time Wheels says "the book on him."

Speaking of books… yay transition.

– Reader Allen Schatz wrote a novel. Yes, we have readers that can write. For realsies. Impressive.

Schatz's book, Game 7: Dead Ball, a mystery novel set around the 2008 World Series, was released recently on a number of e-book readers, with the hardcover version most likely coming later this year. Schatz was nice enough to talk to us for a few minutes about the book, which is centered around an umpire calling the 2008 World Series between the Phillies and Rays. I'm about a quarter of the way through the book on the iPad- very good stuff. We'll have an interview with Allen coming up next week, for now check out the trailer for his book. Here's a link to another interview he did talking about growing up in Philly and writing a story centered around the Phils. You can download the book here.

– And finally, here's a commercial featuring Alec Baldwin and John Krasinski (Jim on The Office) talking about the Yankees missing out on Cliff Lee… and Baldwin saying how Yankee fans "don't consider Philadelphia to be a legitimate sports town."

Cliff Lee.

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Charlie Sheen and Lenny Dykstra Trash Mitch Williams and Ryan Howard on Alex Jones Show, Dude is Now Giving Out Mortgage Advice

Kyle Scott - February 25, 2011


This is incredible.

If you don't know who Alex Jones is, he is essentially the leader for the 9/11 was an inside job movement. He also has a nationally syndicated radio show based out of Dallas, which discusses, among other things, conspiracy theories and government corruption. Somehow, he has aligned himself with Charlie Sheen.

Sheen, who is also on board with the 9/11 truth movement (oh yeah, this post will only get weirder), was on Jones' show yesterday and made news by calling the producer of Two and a Half Men, Chuck Lorre, a clown, and said that he violently hates him. In response, CBS cancelled production for the rest of this season of Two and a Half Men. Today, Sheen said this about Lorre: "Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists."

Fire breathing fists, folks.

So, why am I telling you all this? Lost in that craziness is the fact that Lenny Dykstra was on Jones' show with Sheen. That's when shit got real weird. Mixing a sex-crazed delusional celebrity, a bottomed-out delusional former Major Leaguer, and a delusional conspiracy theorist brings you a whole bunch of awesome.

Must read quotes from Nails and Sheen, including Dykstra praising Brian Wilson (who hung out with Sheen, Dykstra, and Jones in California to help Sheen prepare for Major League 4) and ripping Mitch Williams, after the jump.

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