Posts for Bird

Video: Fan Testing

Kyle Scott - February 13, 2013

The funny men over at Bird Text, who previously warned you not to let your girl get Burrelled, are back with their latest video: Fan Testing. Enjoy.

Bird Droppings: Well, This is Awkward

Kyle Scott - December 14, 2012

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Weird. I feel like I’ve seen that headline about the Eagles before. Can’t remember where. Sounds familiar, though.

Anyway, we’ll look for Morning Wood and Your Morning Carts to come to a Daily News near you soon. For now, here are some brief pieces of shit from the Eagles’ 10th loss of the season. 

– I fell asleep at some point early in the second half with the score still 13-10. I woke up near the end of the fourth quarter to see that it was 34-13 (!!!). Gah. Oddly, I wasn’t even surprised. It was like, “Oh, right, of course they were outscored 24-nothing during my 60-minute nap.” So, I have nothing to say about that. It just is. And to be honest, I don’t really care. I suspect you don’t either.

– Brandon Graham finally got in someone’s head:

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 - I’m not quite sure why all the local media outlets have dozens of stories from the Eagles game. Who’s reading them? I know it’s the football team and you have to cover all sides, but really, is anyone consuming prose about a painful loss for Clay Harbor, Brandon Graham finding his stride, why it is hard to gauge Foles’ progress, or the Eagles-Bengels report card (THEY ALL GET A BIG, FAT FUCKING "F" HOW'S THAT?)? Like, do any of you care about those things? Or are you like me, and would rather see Koy Detmer’s Xbox Live gamertag, courtesy of reader Tom, who found himself on a Halo 4 squad with the former Eagles quarterback earlier this week:

Hello Mr. Scott,

So i was playing halo 4 on xbox live (well trolling on xbox live) and i stumbled across a teammate with the gamertag "Koy Detmer." I laughed and thought of good old Koy Detmer (you know, botched place kick holding, 14 interceptions in 7 games Koy Detmer). Anyways, following the game I sent him a message, because it isnt everyday you play a game with Koy Detmer. Heres what I sent to him: "Koy! Yo dude! Come back to the Birds man! The team sucks we need you! Im sure the team will give you a shot!" I know he sucks, but why not throw out a line to see if even the lifetime backup would want to come back to this team.

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See, that, to me, is substantially more entertaining than reading about players who, themselves, will be relegated to the sidelines of life – online gaming – next fall.

– The one interesting item from last night’s game was the play of the defensive line, which has improved significantly since asshole Jim Washburn was canned. Sheil Kapadia over at Philly Mag has that story

– Oh yeah, and Brad Nessler is substantially better in NCAA Football than he is doing NFL games.

Go Birds!

Bird Droppings: Gosh, They Won a Game!

Kyle Scott - December 10, 2012

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Even if you hate Andy Reid as a coach. Even if you hate the 2012 Eagles as they’re currently constructed. Even if you can’t stand the smug, status quo, we know better than you organization. Even if all those things, and even if you were half paying attention yesterday as the 3-9 Eagles played in Tampa, it still had to feel good when Nick Foles tossed the game-winning touchdown to Jeremy Maclin with no time remaining on the clock.

TINA, EAT THE FOOD!, I screamed as Foles, in all his Napolean Dyanmitian glory, finished off a last-minute drive sans timeouts, a feat we have rarely seen accomplished in the Andy Reid era. 

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You couldn’t help but feel good for Reid as he fat guy hugged Duce Staley…

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Gif via (@dhm)

… and Howard Mudd…

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… and high-fived Christina Lurie… 

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… but, don’t tell me that a part of you didn’t worry that the Eagles are now going to win three of their last four (yesterday included) and the other Lurie will have “seen enough” to keep Reid around for another year, chalking up the #dickpunch that was the 2012 season to bad seeds like Jason Babin and Jim Washburn.

Don’t tell me you didn’t worry about that, because I did.

Anyway, fat guy hugs included, it was nice to watch an entertaining football game. Even better to see a win. Even better when All-State Jason Avant made this catch:

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And the best when Foles did his entire, seemingly 20-minute long, post-game presser in full uniform like a little kid eating orange slices while still wearing his helmet and batting gloves after hitting a game-winning inside-the-park home run.

You have to give Reid credit for, um, not taking credit on the final play call– he said that was all Foles, who, while choosing from a limited selection from the game plan for that situation, told reporters he wanted a movement play to shift coverage lanes: [Philly Mag]

“I just like a movement play in that situation because it changes throwing lanes,” said Foles. “If you’re in the pocket a guy can undercut it, whereas if you’re on the run there’s no undercut. It just felt good. It was the first play that came in my head.”

 

That’s something that Donovan McNabb would have never said. Or thought. In fact, I’m fairly certain he would have thrown the ball out of the end zone or laterally to a safety valve, who would have gotten tackled at the one-yard line. 

Anyway, that all excites me, and it should excite you too. But the Eagles are still 4-9.

Bird Droppings: All Kinds of Shit

Kyle Scott - September 17, 2012

Speaking of droppings, I just cleaned Honey’s (our recently adopted one-year-old Lab-Whippet mix) shit for the first time… and I’m still throwing up in my mouth. There has to be a better way. We’ve figured out how to do everything in our society. Hurl over an ocean at 550 mph to reach foreign lands? Done. Stream images, audio and text wirelessly to little handheld devices? Not a problem. Turn beer into a shitty faux margarita. Of course. 

But the one thing we’ve ignored, for like thousands of years, is the manner in which we clean up our dogs’ shits. Oh, have a fucking robot vehicle with four badass wheels gently parachute down onto fucking Mars and then take hot self-pics as it rolls around another planet just grabbing shit and analyzing it for humans millions of miles away? Absolutely! But no, sorry, you still have to clean up disgusting dog feces with a plastic bag or a half-assed shovel-looking scooper that, apparently, NEVER GRABS THE ENTIRE POOP (!!!).

I’m pretty split down the middle politically, and so I’m still a coveted swing voter. I’m saying it now that I’ll vote for whichever candidate or his VP offers up a solution to fix dog shit cleanup. Taxes, social security, Medicare. Do whatever. Just give me a something so I never, never have to go what I just went through again. 

Let’s get to the droppings of an Avian variety. Because Bird is the word today.

 

King Dumblap

First, let’s talk about this play from King Dunlap and his complete failure to pickup the obvious block, which resulted in a fumble. Look:

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Aaaawhatareyoudoing?

It’s like those AI glitches in Madden when a blocker passes up on the most obvious target because he’s programmed to seek someone lined up in the secondary… or, in Dumblap’s case, the guy eating a cheesesteak in the first row. Thankfully, his slow and cumbersomeness saved the Eagles, as he was able to toe-tap Ray Lewis, who picked up the loose ball, before Michael Vick delivered a choke slam to his criminal buddy. [I don’t even write that to be snarky… that’s honestly the first descriptor that came to mind for Lewis' relation to Vick. The NFL!]

 

I goofed

Because the Eagles won, no one, except for maybe Lemony Snicket, is going to talk about this series of unfortunate events:

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For whatever unexplainable reason, Andy Reid didn’t declined a penalty that would have forced a field goal for the Ravens. Instead, they were given a third-and-18 – a do-over, if you will - and, thanks to two penalties on that play – one by Nnamdi Asomugha and one by Jason Babin – the Ravens got a first down at the Philadelphia 15. The drive eventually resulted in a field goal, but these are the sorts of boneheaded things that Andy Reid still does.

 

Hughe Sacks

Later in the drive, it was DeMeco Ryans whose HUGE sack forced that field goal. Hugh Douglas, I think, tweeted about the play:

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That’s what she said.

 

Vick

What an enigma (don’t worry, uneducated folks, das not racist). Between the first quarter interception, his stubborness to turn every play into a highlight, and the beating he takes, it’s amazing that Vick is the quarterback of a 2-0 team right now. Actually, it's amazing he's still assembled. He’s like the anti-Donovan McNabb. He takes credit and blame, sucks for much of the game, but then – perhaps because of his cockiness and massive stones – leads the team on fourth quarter comebacks. I still feel exactlythe same way I felt about Vick last week (he’s going to get hurt and, if not, the Eagles still won’t win a Super Bowl with him), but he successfully shut up me and most pundits for the rest of the week.


Nnamdi… nnama… nngonnacoveryou

He blows. I’m sorry, I don’t watch many Raiders games. But all I heard about Nnamdi when he came to the Eagles was about he was maybe the best man corner in the league. Yet, what we continue to see is him getting torched by guys like Jacoby Jones. Then there was the afeormentioned assault illegal contact penalty that nearly cost the Eagles. And then there was the negated Ravens touchdown (albeit thanks to offensive pass interference). Perhaps we just notice it more when it’s a guy you expect a ton from, but I’m not sure the term shutdown corner should be used for Asomugha.

 

Fred Ex


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Pic via (@jeremykusnir)

Fred Ex was tailgating pre-game in the parking lot. Nice to see he’s making something of his life.

 

Fucking Yinzers

Something that has nothing to do with the Eagles– the most pathetic Steelers tattoo you will ever see:

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via (@Jennyd72) 

Fucking Yinzers, man. 

 

Yums

Finally, Eagles cheerleaders dancing after the game-winning touchdown.

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Bird Droppings: Hand Job

Kyle Scott - September 26, 2011

That’s Vick’s post-game press conference, in case you haven’t seen it six times yet.

Vick clearly isn’t happy. He’s been knocked out of both Eagles losses. What’s worse, Howard Eskin reported on NBC 10 last night that Vick will miss 3-4 weeks with his broken right hand. Shit.

So how are we feeling about this $100 $80 million $35.5 million experiment? Not only has Vick gotten hurt twice before the end of September, but the Eagles are – ready for this – 1-4 in his last five starts, including the playoff loss to Green Bay. In those five games, his quarterback ratings are as follows: 74.1, 79.9, 83.7, 103.6, and 73.8. Not awful, but a bit surprising when you consider that during the first 15 weeks of last season (before this 1-4 stint began), Vick only twice had quarterback ratings under 90- Week 1 against Green Bay, in which he played only half the game, and Week 11 against the Giants. Now, in this last five-game period, he’s had only one game with a QB rating above 83. Ouch.

It doesn’t get better, either. I’ll refer you to what I wrote for the USA Today football preview this summer:

Through the first six games of 2010, Vick eclipsed a 100 QB rating four times. In the final six games? Just once.

In the first seven games of 2010, Vick didn’t throw one interception. He threw six in his final five games, plus one season ending pick in the playoffs.

Vick’s yards per attempt and completion percentage were also down in the second half of the season. And he was sacked more, too: 15 times in first six games, 19 in final six.

 

Do you think perhaps opponents have figured out how to defend Vick, after they were caught off-guard during the first half of last season?

Saying that Vick has come back down to earth is an understatement. He’s reentered the atmosphere in a fiery mess. Somewhere, NASA has issued a search for fragments.

All of that being said, placing the blame squarely on QB 7 would be doing a disservice to the myriad what the fucks? performed by the rest of the team.

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Bird Droppings: All Over The Field

Kyle Scott - September 19, 2011

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How far down is Andy Reid cutting his undershirt if we can't see any of it within his plunging neckline?

Who had Week 2 in the Michael Vick injury pool?

I didn’t. I thought we would at least get a couple home games out of him before the combination of his unpredictable style and the Eagles’ porous offensive line did him in. Ironically, Vick was concussed while standing in the pocket and slamming into a well-positioned Todd Herremans. I think Paul Domowich said it best… or worst: 

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Therefore, even though reader Brian dubbed this the Advil PM Game (need it to get to sleep and tough to swallow), I think we’re going to have to call this one the Jesse James Game: shot hanging a picture.

Under the NFL's concussion policy, Vick will have to pass a series of tests before being cleared to play.

The game also played out like most M. Night Shyamalan movies: mysteriously intriguing to start, sloppy in the middle, and, despite a few brief moments of excitement, a frustratingly painful ending that will just piss you off the more you think about it.

The Eagles were poised to take a 17-7 lead into the half… that is until Vick fumbled on the four-yard line. What happened for the next two and a half minutes made it seem like two drunk guys were playing Madden in a dorm room. The Eagles almost escaped danger, as DeSean Jackson and his 100 speed rating tracked down a winded Ray Edwards before he could make it to the end zone. Sadly, the Eagles were unable to stop the Falcons on any of their five trips to the red zone. This one ended with a spectacular catch from the 600-year-old Tony Gonzalez.

The Eagles got the ball back, and Vick promptly fumbled (again). Two plays later, Matty Ice (which has to be the most annoying and self-serving nickname in sports) threw an interception with just 14 seconds remaining in the half. With time running out, Vick completed a quick pass to Jeremy Maclin, and then Alex Henery attempted a 63-yard field goal, which landed about 62 yards short. Half over, thankfully.

We interrupt this ludicrous recap to bring you the grammatical stylings of Bob Costas, who followed the Vick Whisperer, Tony Dungy, on NBC’s 22-man halftime show. Costas’ prose started out on Matthew Stafford and ended up on Bill Clinton. Not even a slutty, I don’t respect myself intern could make the transition that quickly. We’ll spare you the video.

The second half didn’t start out much better. Vick was intercepted on the first drive of the third quarter… or was he? 

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No, he wasn’t.

The Eagles never challenged the play, however. Doubly worse, NBC showed only one inconclusive replay, with Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth informing viewers that the correct call had been made.

Thanks, guys.

Eagles coaches in the booth rely on the TV feed when making decisions whether or not to challenge a play. Perhaps the above angle, shown 15 minutes later, would have been helpful, no? Still, Andy Reid should have thrown the challenge flag.

It didn’t look like any of that was going to matter, however. The Eagles scored the next 21 points, the last of which came just minutes after Vick got his concussion. 

Now, is it just me, or did Vick's injury resemble Ace Ventura smacking his head into the doctor at Shady Acres? 

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Yeah, it totally did.

It’s hard to tell if Vick had his mouthguard in during the play (he often doesn’t). We'll assume he didn't. If he did, it might have prevented the injury, or at least him biting his tongue.

Even after blowing the lead in the fourth quarter, the Eagles still had a chance to win the game with Mike Kafka at quarterback. However, these were the team’s final moves:

– Five-yard pass to Maclin- now 3rd and 3.

– 2-minute warning (where you would think Reid would have drawn up two plays, since it was four-down territory)

– Two-yard screen pass on 3rd and 3

– Dropped pass by Maclin on fourth down

Maclin was sorry:

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No need, he played a good game. But can someone please tell me why the Eagles burned a timeout just one play after the 2-minute warning? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? And why in the hell they would – once again – throw a screen pass a yard short of the first down marker on third down? This has been happening for what, a decade? Isn’t the first sign of mental illness when someone repeats the same actions and expects different results? 

There are so, so many questions, yet so few answers.

Perhaps my dad summed it up best on the phone this morning: “Every time I watch a game like this, I feel like I wasted four hours of my life.”

That's why the fans at P.J. Whelian's just drink the pain away:

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Bonus .gif of LeSean McCoy-Howard Mudd chest bump, after the jump. Ya know, to let you leave this post with a smile.

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Bird Droppings: Juan, Sex Jokes, Billick, and Eskin

Kyle Scott - September 12, 2011

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A successful start for the Birds. Not only because they beat the Rams on the road to open the season, but also because Tony Romo and Donovan McNabb had bonerific days.

Playing between the two barbaric Ryan brothers – who at this point have to be trying to outdo each other to see who can look more simultaneously fat and angry – Tony Romo managed to almost singlehandedly choke away the game. The tipping point happened with just over a minute to go in the fourth quarter with the score tied at 24. Romo threw a lame duck into the waiting hands of Darrelle Revis. The Jets went on to kick the game-winning field goal 30 seconds later. 

Not to be outdone, Former Five, who is quickly turning into black Kerry Collins, isn’t off to the best of starts in Minnesota. Here are McNabb’s stats from yesterday. Caution, babies were harmed in the formation of this next sentence: 7-for-15, 39 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 47.9 QB rating. As (@PhillySportsTkr) put it, Michael Schwimmer, who threw just five pitches yesterday, threw for more yards than McNabb in his first start as a Viking. Well played, Former Five.

Onto the Birds.

I was most concerned about Juan Castillo. By all accounts, he sleeps very little and cares a bit too much about his profession. This was a big deal. The rags-to-riches story of a Mexican offensive line coach who hasn’t run a defense since 1989… at a high school. Now he was standing on the sidelines against the Rams, waiting to coach his first game as defensive coordinator… on the road… and on turf. I had him at 9:1 to spontaneously combust on the sidelines. I saw it as a bargain.

He didn’t, thankfully. But he did look like he had 12 cups of coffee during just the pregame ceremony alone. However, save for the lapse to start the game (my best chance of winning the bet), the defense fared pretty well against the Rams. The line did a nice job of confusing them and the corners were – for the most part – solid. Casey Matthews looks like a Madden defender with an under-70 awareness rating, as he seems to be about a second behind everything, but this was his first game, too, we’ll give him some time before feverishly trying to figure out if “create-a-player” mode works in franchise.

The offense is the offense- no surprises. Vick, Jackson, McCoy, and Avant were all solid. The line was frightening and too frequently let defenders sprint by them with not so much as a glance in their direction… but that’s sort of what we expected, especially in Week 1. 

I’d like to turn attention to the FOX broadcast crew of Tom Thome Thorn Thumb Thom Brennaman and Brian Billick. Brennaman was about as vanilla as they come, but Billick was outstanding. Judging by a number of Tweets I received, most of you disagree and think he’s an Eagle-hating blowhard who – like every national announcer – has it out for Philadelphia. It’s called being neutral.

Anyway, Billick provided spot-on, sometimes harsh criticism. He quickly picked up on almost every strategy being used by both coaches and often added to the broadcast more than he hurt it, even though he did talk a bit too much and mispronounced some things like….

Heh. Sex.

Let’s not let this game get away without mentioning Andy Reid’s still horrible clock management skills. At the end of the first half, the Eagles were – of course – without any timeouts when this sequence happened: first down, spike ball, delay of game, and field goal with nine seconds remaining. Perhaps Reid should have watch the Michigan-Notre Dame game on Saturday night. If he did, he would have known that nine seconds was enough time to throw a quick fade into the end zone. None of this mattered, but getting a delay of game penalty after spiking the ball is an almost impossible achievement.

After the game, Reid had his best moment of the day when he said to a St. Louis reporter:

“I presume you’re from St. Louis because you said ‘excuse me.’”

 

Jackass.

Howard Eskin appeared to get into it with Cadillac Williams in the fourth quarter:

Eskin_sideline

Finally, it’s worth pointing out that ESPN’s Madden sim had the Eagles winning 31-15. They won 31-13. Impressive.

Bird Droppings: Meaningless Football Game 4

Kyle Scott - September 2, 2011

It's Friday, the day before a holiday weekend, and the unofficial last day of summer. Don't expect a lot today. By next Wednesday we'll be in full-fledged psycho mode, with the Eagles season getting started, the Phillies just three weeks out from October, and the Flyers preparing to start camp. 

Here are some of your Eagles links:

John Miller grades the Eagles' draft picks.

The latest on Vince Young's hamstring. Andy Reid is high on him.

Les Bown tries to figure out the Eagles' final roster

Bill Conlin predicts the Eagles to be no better than 10-6.

Grilled Reuben Frank with some award winning journalism, saying Kevin Kolb's injury ushered in the Michal Vick era for the Eagles. I checked the dateline, it was indeed written in 2011. That's progressive stuff right there.

Please vote for us in CBS Philly's blog awards, even though we're mailing it in a bit today. Voting ends September 9th. Can vote once per day. As always, thanks! Vote here.