Posts for bolaris

Yesterday, Howard Eskin was Extraordinarily Wrong About the Lockout

Kyle Scott - January 6, 2013

Howard Eskin, whose sources are generally well-placed and reliable (especially with hockey news and Flyers injury updates— for realsies), was grotesquely wrong with his lockout update last night:

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Yikes.

At the time, he was quickly corrected by unofficial CB weatherman John Bolaris:

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You're, but whatevs. Earlier in the day, J-Bo (or the Tweets he was reading) was actually spot on with his lockout update: 

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Score one for the weatherman in this ongoing dick-measuring contest between mostly out-of-work former Philly media stalwarts.

John Bolaris Got Engaged on the Howard Stern Show This Morning, During His Hurricane Coverage

Kyle Scott - October 29, 2012

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Photo: Howard Stern Show

Our unofficial weatherman for your certain death, John Bolaris, is serving as Howard Stern’s official correspondent for Frankenstorm. So, where better than Stern’s show for Bolaris to get engaged… unplanned… live… during a hurricane.

Only J-Bo.

I wasn’t listening this morning, but Philly.com’s Dan Gross was and he provides some details: [Philly.com]

After questioning Smitheman about her relationship with Bolaris, including how long it took her to sleep with him after they met (Her reply: "Three hours"), Stern asked if Bolaris wanted to marry Smitheman.

When the former Fox 29 and NBC10 meteorologist said yes, Stern suggested he propose on-air. He did so, and Smitheman immediately said yes.

There was no ring as Bolaris clearly was not planning to propose, however he did tell Smitheman how much he loved her and that he planned to propose sooner than later anyway.

 

Romantic, John.

I’m not sure what’s a more J-Bo move– proposing to his girlfriend on the Howard Stern Show during a hurricane… or it only taking him three hours to shlup his future wife. I’ll go with the proposal thing, if only because three hours seems like a relatively long time for sex machine Bolaris, especially if alcohol was involved in the courting process.

Bolaris never responded to my repeated requests (spamming) for him to serve as our Frankenstorm correspondant, though he did thank me for featuring his forecasts and said to "feel free" to continue using his Tweets. I don't think he was being sarcastic. And his first post-engagement update today? All bizzinass:

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Programming note: we have amended the rules of our Frankenstorm Drinking Game to include “John Bolaris gets engaged on Howard Stern Show– do shot.” 

Frankenstorm May Kill Us All This Halloween, and John Bolaris is Here to Cover it for You

Kyle Scott - October 25, 2012

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You know that little storm, the perfectly named Hurricane Sandy, from the Caribbean? Yeah, well she’s about to screw you. 

At virtually the same moment today, a flurry of weather folks tweeted a link to the latest model, which predicts Sandy will take a westward track… right into your kitchen, on or around Tuesday morning. I'm calling its projected path the Cone of Death, but that's a working title.

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The bad weather will start on Sunday and perhaps continue into Wednesday – Halloween – as Sandy expands into Frankenstorm. We’ll let a smart guy from the AP explain: [6 ABC]

The storm is a combination of Hurricane Sandy, now in the Caribbean, an early winter storm in the West, and a blast of arctic air from the North. They're predicted to collide and park over the country's most populous coastal corridor and reach as far inland as Ohio.

 

Yeah, it’s the Perfect Storm 2. 

And since it’s a somewhat slow sports time right now, we’re going to cover it. But shit, I don’t know anything about weather. You know who does, though? John Bolaris.

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I’ve been spam tweeting the out-of-work weatherman a quite-serious offer to bring his alarming rants and weather forecasts to Crossing Broad. He won’t answer. So, I've decided to cut out the middle man – basically me – and name J-Bo our weatherman for Frankenstorm, by bringing you his Tweets. Aggregated, of course.

Over to you, John: [lightly edited]

Hurricane Sandy winds 105 mph is moving through the central Bahamas North 16mph. The next 48hrs confident with track stay off Florida coast. However, by late Saturday night Sandy will start to head NE away from the coast. BUT huge blocking to North & vigorous trough to west will cont. At first slow down Sandy, also at this time 2 things will begin to unfold: Sandy will begin her transformation into a extratropical storm, meaning she loses her tropical traits, BUT continues to grow in size. Windfield expands, intensity remains same or even becoming more intense. As storm now will feed on baroclinic transformation, becoming a hybrid of great intensity (possibility of historical strength). Also, as she Interacts with trough (becomes negative), she now will start to bend back towards the east coast (nao is the most negative then it has been), helping to block a Northeast exit (still small window to exit east, but that window is closing quickly). BIG question is where exactly does this Perfect Storm 2 begin it's bend and how sharp, majority clustering is now starting to come around for a possible strike anywhere. From the Delaware Bay as far north as Eastern LI, with the overall center of the guidance putting it near Ocean county NJ by Halloween am. Talk about a Halloween nightmare. This storm has a bunch of rare atmospheric conditions coming together at once, hence the name Perfect Storm: #1 late season Hurricane, #2 Extremely high pressures across Greenland. #3 Extreme trough closing up turning negative & it's base getting cutoff. #4 Astronomical high tide takes place on Sunday. All this leads to deep concerns for the East coast from Norfolk to Philly, Nyc, capes.

Right now what we could experience along the shore would be Major tidal flooding (poss severe depending on track), beach erosion, hurricane force winds or gusts. Pounding rains & winds of long duration widespread power outages. Now keep in mind this isn't just a shore hit, across all major east coast cities could experience tropical storm force winds gusts 60 plus, not out of the question hurr gusts. Pounding rain & wind of over 24 hrs, flash flooding is likely & widespread, power outages, trees down, lines snap. With all this being said, still have another 48hrs to refine and say with much more certainty with what is going to happen or not. Standby.

 

Standing by, John. 

Stay tuned to CB for all your Frankenstorm updates. Now over to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa, who has a look at the dangers of plagiarism. Tricia?

Be sure to follow our own John Bolaris (@JohnBolaris)

And Now, Claude Giroux with John Bolaris’ Busty Girlfriend

Kyle Scott - May 21, 2012

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Claude Giroux continued on his post-surgery party circuit when he went to the WMMR concert yesterday. Here he is photographed with John Bolaris’ girlfriend, whose boobs, I’m guessing, are not real. 

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You might think we’re getting on Giroux by posting pictures of him at a bar, playing Baggo, and attending concerts with former local weather men, but really we’re just looking for an excuse to tell you to vote for him for the NHL 13 cover.

Of course, if we keep posting pictures of G drinking, there's a chance that Paul Holmgren might trade him to next year's Stanley Cup winner. So perhaps we'll stop.

Second pic via 10-time all-star CB reader (@DXFlyers)

Goodbye, John Bolaris… You Are Free To Recount Your Sordid Tales on CB

Kyle Scott - January 10, 2012

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(Photo via @_d_m_c on Twitter)

John Bolaris is not sports. He has nothing to do with sports, in fact. But we still write about him. Why? Because whether he’s hitting Lauren Hart’s high note (sweet HOOOOOME), getting roofied by Latvian chicks in Florida, playing with monkeys on Preston and Steve, drawing weather penises, Twitter fighting with Howard Eskin, or borderline sexually harassing anchors, John does things that we appreciate… or laugh at. 

Anyway, he got fired parted ways with FOX today. 

More, from Dan Gross of Philly.com:

The Fox 29 meteorologist had been suspended since Dec. 22 but this afternoon a Fox spokeswoman confirmed that, “We mutually agreed that it was time to part ways.” She declined further comment on the parting.

 

Last month, J-Bo was suspended by FOX Philly, mostly because of an interview he gave to Playboy in which he said that the reason he went with the Latvian women who roofied him in Florida was because “I’m a guy. There was the thought I might get laid"… oh, and the nude cell phone photos he shared with the magazine (no pic at that link).

So we make a sad. Not because Bolaris won’t be telling us the weather (we have the Internet for that), but because it seems like he has a ton of great stories that he’s just itching to share…

– lightbulb –

… And since there are few, if any, local media outlets that wouldn’t censor the Jesus fuck out of them, and because we’re the most read independent local website (unofficial, but I’d say it’s a safe bet), here’s the Bo Signal: We want John Bolaris to tell his stories, about anyone or anything, here on Crossing Broad

His words, his tales, his photos… whatever. Whatever you want, John. crossingbroad [at] yahoo [dot] com– attn: J-Bo Knows

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The Lenny Dykstra Celebrity Boxing Match (Which Never Happened) Story Has Taken an Unexpected and Delightfully Ridiculous Turn

Kyle Scott - November 7, 2011

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But, but, but…

Of course the Lenny Dykstra celebrity boxing match saga took a turn toward the ridiculous this weekend.

He didn’t show up. You knew that.

What you might not know are the details (half of which have to be false, since every player in this is making contradictory statements) as told to Dan Gross, who wrote a fascinating, must-read article on the whole cockup.

If you don’t have the attention span to read a lengthy piece about worms crawling on slugs, then here’s the gist:

Lenny says he never agreed to the fight. Instead, he claims that a man posing as his business manager, Dan Herman, 26, of West Chester, booked him for the fight and made up the quotes that were contained in a press release for the event.

Damon Feldman and Alki David, the fight’s organizers, reversed course on a prior claim that they paid Dykstra a $5,000 advance on Thursday (citing loud noises as a reason for the misinterpreted question, answer). Feldman told Gross that, last week, he and David visited Dykstra at a California rehab center, where Dykstra is currently a patient. Dykstra, however, says that he isn’t a patient, and that he’s simply staying with his friend… Dr. Howard Samuels (yeah, and I just like to fly with my quiet companion, William H. Xanax).

Anyway, the best part is when Dykstra starts slinging mud at Herman (portrayed to be the real culprit here), who may or may not be posing as Nails’ business manager, 

"I never agreed to anything," the embattled Dykstra told us yesterday in an email. "Damon Feldman and Alki David continued to use my name to sell tickets and promote their event up until the last minute. They showed up at my door unexpected, I didn't even know who they were," Dykstra explained. He then showed Feldman and David an angry email he sent to Herman Wednesday night, chewing out Herman for booking the fight without his permission.

By phone yesterday, Dykstra denied that Herman was ever his business manager. "If he's my business manager, I'm a f[uck]in' ballerina," he told us.

 

[If anyone wants to make Lenny Dykstra-I’m a fuckin’ ballerina shirts, consider us on board] 

For what it’s worth, I’ve been told that Herman is the guy who runs “Dykstra’s” Twitter account, too.

There’s more. Much more. Dykstra acknowledges that he was visited by Feldman and David. And he claims he was offered money to say – on video – that he was unable to fight due to injury. Feldman and David, of course, deny that claim– because that would surely be unethical.

Not to be outdone in this circle jerk of unfortunate, Herman claims that Dykstra is lying because he’s a convicted felon, and that’s just what they do.

Oh, and the best part? Dykstra only spoke to Gross because John Bolaris told him it was OK. 

You can’t make up the Dykstra Zone, folks.

Full story here.

Howard Eskin and John Bolaris Throw Twitter Punches

Kyle Scott - November 1, 2011

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Bolaris Halloween photo courtesy HughE Dillon, who has more Halloween goodness here

Everybody is fighting. Les Bowen and Jeff McLane are fighting. Flyers beat writers are fighting with the Flyers about not even fighting with their goalie, then fighting with pseudo-beat bloggers about writers Tweeting about fighting with the team (you follow that, right?). And now, perhaps most entertaining of all (OK, well nothing is more entertaining than Les Bowen punching Jeff McLane), Howard Eskin fighting with… John Bolaris.

I love me a good J-Bo story.

Here’s the deal. On Saturday, Eskin – never afraid to take shots – Tweeted:

What's worse than snow in October is watching @Fox29 report on it. First report comes from allentown because its more dramatic. We r in PHL!

 

He’s 100% correct, but let’s face it: all news organizations do this, and we did get snow in October. That is story.

Bolaris – never one to back down from a fight – fired back last night:

Hey Tweeps understand Howard Eskin tweeted that FOX29 hyped the storm, that we had to go to Allentown to find snow. also does Eskin realize that, Lehigh valley, Bucks, Montgomery, Chester is in our viewing area. Does Eskin realize that was fcst. Does Eskin realize we don't hype storms we try to prepare people for a storm. Does Eskin realize how many thousands of people lost power. We FOX29 try our very best to help you out, and we go through pains and always the extra mile to help you get through severe weather. I might not take myself so seriously ..But I do take WEATHER SERIOUSLY !! Perhaps Eskin is annoyed that I tweet about sports. Eskin does work hard, trust me he does, but please Howard boy don't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong. Peace out

 

BOOOOM! ESKIN ON THE ROPES! ESKIN THE ROPES! DOES ESKIN REALIZE HE’S ON THE ROPES?!

Bolaris kept going:

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The Monkey Who Hung Up on Ryan Seacrest and Smashed John Bolaris’ iPhone

Kyle Scott - July 15, 2011

This is too good.

This morning on the Preston and Steve Show, Bubba the monkey, who apparently hates everything about smallish, follicly advanced talking heads, managed to hang up on the host of American Idol and smash John Bolaris' iPhone in the same maneuver.

The folks from the morning show posted the video on YouTube, which shows the monkey banging Bolaris' – original? - iPhone before hopping across the table and inadvertently hanging up on Ryan Seacrest, who was on to promote his new broadcast studio at CHOP (a really awesome thing, actually).

There is no truth to the rumor that Bolaris later woke up in a taxi cab and forgot about the entire incident. Twice. None.

Funny stuff from Preston and Steve.