OH, A RAINBOW. MUST BE THEIR LUCKY FUCKING DAY. (Photo: Phil Rogers)
I’ve spent the past two hours trying to find something – literally anything – to write about. I came close to posting, in-full, a reader rant on Paul Holmgren, but it got incoherent torwards the end and, well, I’m the only one who is allowed to be incoherent around here. So that was out. And there’s nothing else going on. What the hell are you supposed to write about when local teams have won three games IN THE PAST MONTH and any more posts about ex-Philly folks killing it would be trolling?
But then it hit me: Today is Boston day in the sports world. Yet again, Boston.
I love Boston as a city. If there’s one place I had to move, it’d probably be there. Big city stuff in a smaller package. Relatively clean. Beaches nearby. History. An indigenous community.
Great sports teams…
… all of whom can go fuck themselves.
Just in the last 10 years:
Won Super Bowl in 2003
Won Super Bowl in 2004
Lost Super Bowl in 2007
Lost Super Bowl in 2011
Four Super Bowls in 10 years, and that’s not counting their Super Bowl win in 2001 and Super Bowl loss in 1996.
Won Stanley Cup in 2011
Lost Stanley Cup in 2013
Two of the last three Stanley Cup Finals.
Won NBA Championship in 2008
Lost NBA Finals in 2010
Two Finals appearances, one win, and a thrilling seven-game series with the Heat in the past five years.
Won World Series in 2004
Won World Series in 2007
In World Series in 2013
86-year drought and then two World Series wins in three years, followed by another World Series appearance this year.
In the past 10 years, Boston teams have won six championships (each at least one) and participated in 11 Finals series. And that doesn’t count the several conference-league finals the Patriots, Celtics and Red Sox have played in and lost.
During that same timeframe, Philadelphia has seen four Finals series– 2004 Eagles (lost), 2008 Phillies (won– that’s still hard to write), 2009 Phillies (lost) and 2010 Flyers (lost). Nothing since, and no playoffs in what will wind up being close to two years, if not more. And, as you know, one championship in 30 years.
Every fucking six months a Boston team is either competing for a championship or in the semifinals. Like clockwork, the sports world always comes back to and centers on Boston, so we can all talk about their townspeople and beards. The Red Sox break an 86-year drought in epic fashion. Bill Belichick creates a mini dynasty, beats the Eagles along the way, and Tom Brady marries a supermodel. The Bruins win a seven-game Finals series with a 400-year-old goalie and then, two years later, get back there after a three-goal comeback in THE THIRD PERIOD of Game 7 of the first round. The Celtics assemble an unlikable Dream Team, win the title, and Kevin Garnett screams into a microphone. The Red Sox bottom out, bounce back, and, of course with their beards and pine tar, are right back in the World Series. THEY’RE ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE OF SHIT. And if it’s not winning, it’s drama. Aaron Hernandez. EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THE RED SOX. Spygate. Beergate. Gronk’s existence. Doc Rivers and Bill Simmons. You name it, it probably happened in or involves someone from Boston.
Obviously, it’s hard to root against the Red Sox this year, as their World Series appearance comes on the heels of the Boston Bombing. They’re the sentimental favorite, and rightfully so. But fuck if their obnoxious beards and we’re not the Yankees shtick isn’t trying really hard to make that not the case. Hey, Mike Napoli– YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE. Salt– Do they really fucking call you that? You’re an insanely mediocre baseball player. You can’t grow facial hair, Shane. Oh yeah, just for good, historic measure, let’s grand slam our way into the Series with a former Phillie hitting one, and Big Papi, who doesn’t age, hitting another, which produced an iconic photo with Boston’s finest throwing his fists in the air in a photo composed by God himself because he loves him some Irish Catholic Bostonians. Oh and now there’s a rainbow and a pot of gold over the fucking Monster? Fuck you all.
I hate sports right now.