Posts for chase utley

Here’s Every Chase Utley Video You Need to Work Yourself Into Hot Sobbing Mess Tonight

Jim Adair - August 16, 2016

When Chase Utley returns to Citizens Bank Park tonight, it’ll be an emotional time for not only Utley but also all the fans in attendance and those watching at home. Tears will flow, beers will be drank to deal with the emotions, and the standing O will be long. [Editor’s note: I predict only Rod Brind’Amour-long due to baseball pacing and Chase being an unimaginative recluse.] To prepare ourselves for the onslaught of feelings heading our way, let’s take a look back at some of Chase’s best moments: Continue Reading

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Chase Utley’s Six Hits Last Night Help Explain Why Baseball Is Becoming a Second-Tier Sport

Kyle Scott - July 7, 2016

Chase Utley had six hits yesterday in a 14-inning loss to the Orioles. He was 6-for-7 with two doubles. He, unbelievably, became the third player this week to get six hits in one game (Wilmer Flores on Sunday and C.J. Cron on Saturday). But with those three included, it’s only happened 23 times since 2000 and 51 times since 1970. Utley became the first Dodger since 2002 and only third player in team history to get six hits in a game (by comparison, the Phillies have one… in 1953).

He became the third-oldest player in MLB history to do it, bested by only Cal Ripken in 1999 and Ty Cobb in 1925. But perhaps the most impressive part of Utley’s game was that his whole team wasn’t ripping the pitching apart. He’s the first player since 2013 to have six hits in a game where his team scored six or fewer runs, and only the second since 2003 (when Nomar Garciaparra did it in a 6-5 loss against the Phils).

It is inexplicable that he was the third player to do it in less than a week, and it’s almost as inexplicable that Utley, at age 37, whose career was written off just one year ago – literally one year ago today, Ryan Lawrence – is still performing the way he is, in this case with an impressive six-hit performance. And yet, it’s almost as if Major League Baseball doesn’t want you to see it.

A quick YouTube search for “Chase Utley” over the last 24 hours yields NO results. None. Six hits by a player in a big market, and there’s not one video of it on YouTube. In the NBA, there are a slew of fan-edited videos when a stretch-five approaches a double-double with a few blocks on a Tuesday night in Milwaukee. Chase Utley records six hits in LA and it’s crickets chirping in 1s and 0s.

On MLB’s site, where they’ve always placed a high priority on their proprietary video, there is video of Utley’s six-hit performance, but it’s not embeddable on other sites. You have to click this link and then probably watch an ad to view it.

MLB has a problem. They are clueless as to how to promote their stars, or even individuality. On Monday, Bryce Harper wasn’t allowed to use his patriotic bat, or wear his Stars-and-Stripes cleats. Compare this to the NBA, where even mid-level stars have shoe deals, wear (league-sanctioned) sweatbands, accessories, and other assorted flair. They have personality. The NFL can tamp this down – and they do – because they’re assholes the sport is so damn popular. But MLB has a problem– it needs to embrace individual achievement, and cater to accomplishments that lend themselves to social sharing. A quick six-hit montage is almost a no-brainer in this regard.

Perhaps due to years of draconian rules with regard to posting videos on YouTube, they’ve driven away anyone who might want to create and share highlights. They’ve sacrificed their long-term prospects for petty short-term clicks (revenue?) and some vague concept of the sanctity of the sport, which is the very thing driving people away from it.

Of course, people are still flocking to this beautiful t-shirt. Get one.

Chase Utley Is Selling His House, Which Allen Iverson Used to Own

Jim Adair - April 26, 2016

Well, it’s Iverson’s house in shell only, since it’s been “completely gut-renovated” to give the Utley’s family home since 2013 (so, like, two years for Chase) that Better Home and Gardens vibe:

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For real. Even with very nice houses, the pictures on the listing sites usually look like garbage. This looks like a damn magazine spread. [Editor’s note: High-end houses like this get professional photographers, not realtors, to take the pictures. Want to sell a mid-level house? Get a professional photographer – or even a videographer – and it will crush the competition. That concludes your real estate advice for the day.]

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The 8,141 square foot house is going for a cool $3,495,000 and comes with six bedrooms, six full bathrooms (and 2 half-baths), multiple fireplaces, a three-car garage, and a bedroom where Chase Utley used to have sex. I guess I buried the lede there.

Here’s some more from the Gladwyne home’s listing:

Privately nestled on 2 pristine acres among Gladwyne’s grandest estates, this custom-built, COMPLETELY GUT-RENOVATED home breaks the traditional Colonial mold … A meticulous top-to-bottom renovation & layout transformation by the current owner, created a sleek open California-style layout providing utmost comfort, luxury & functionality …

Beyond the gated entry await sprawling, full-regraded grounds beautified with new lawn, plantings, trees & irrigation. The gorgeous exterior is enhanced with new windows & new upper/lower decks. A brand new Hamptons-style saltwater swimming pool, pool pavilion & play structure assure outdoor pleasure for all ages. The dramatic 2-story Reception Hall with lightly-distressed herringbone wood floors, new wood staircase & huge Palladian window introduces a sun-drenched interior graced by lovely earth tones, custom moldings, and all-new flooring. Breathtaking openness extends into the LR with a gas fireplace & DR served by a butler’s pantry. Both rooms are brightened by huge Palladian windows. Chef & family will love spending time in the top-of-the-line kitchen, opened up & redesigned with new white Medallion soft-close cabinetry, soapstone counters, a large center island with searing & stainless steel appliances.

“Chef and family.” They ain’t even playin’ that someone is doing their own cooking in that kitchen. Here’s a short list of what the home includes:

  • The room where Chase Utley slept
  • The toilet in which Chase Utley pooped
  • The pool in which Chase Utley peed
  • The mirror vanity which Chase Utley used to perfectly shape his soul patch
  • The refrigerator which Chase Utley stood in front of, maybe slightly hungover, farting

Check out more images after the jump and daydream about what Chase did in each one of those rooms.

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NO, CHASE UTLEY WON’T BE REMEMBERED FOR HIS SLIDE AGAINST RUBEN TEJADA

Kyle Scott - February 24, 2016

NO. I just don’t believe it. I won’t believe it. I can’t believe it. I shan’t believe it

The great Roger Rabbit once uttered those words which, today, echo my sentiments toward this paragraph in an LA Times profile of The Man, Chase Fucking Utley:

One of his favorite plays as a Phillie occurred when he scored from second base on a groundout in 2006.

But he’ll be remembered for his play on Oct. 10 at Dodger Stadium. Utley entered in the seventh as a pinch-hitter and singled. With runners at the corners and the Dodgers trailing by a run, Kendrick hit a one-hopper up the middle. A double play would end the inning.

NEGATIVE. NO. NO CHASE. The Red Sox have already hijacked Shane Victorino from us. Go ahead, Google “Shane Victorino grand slam.” Tell me what you see. Your mind will recall his 2008 NLDS bomb off CC Sabathia. Google recalls… look it up, I’ll wait. Actually, no, I won’t wait. It recalls fucking this:

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BARF-O-MATIC!

Shane’s grand slam is our grand slam. And Chase Utley’s heroic baserunning feat belongs to Harry Kalas and no one else. What he did to Ruben Tejada was great and all, and I’m glad the rest of the baseball world is getting to meet the Chase we knew and loved, but there is NO WAY I’m ceding Chase’s baserunning to the Dodgers. No chance:

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GOD DAMMIT. You can’t have Chase’s baserunning abilities. That’s ours. First Kobe. Then Richie and Carts. STOP STEALING OUR GLORY, LOS ANGELES. Stop it. Give me Harry and give him now: Continue Reading

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Now Giants Fans Are Going After Chase Utley

Kyle Scott - October 14, 2015

San Francisco Giants fans have nothing better to do this October since they’re not rooting their team on to their 38th consecutive World Series title. So, sure, why not go after Chase Utley for the most routine play in the history of baseball, which just happened to end Gregor Blanco’s season.

Here’s the guy from the McChovey Chronicles, whom I’m guessing didn’t have a local stabbing to blog about today:

I’ve watched it about 50 times now, and I keep waiting to see something different, some nuance that would explain why Utley would move his right leg but not his left, but I’m pretty sure he was trying to prevent Blanco from reaching the bag by any means necessary. The ball hit Blanco in the butt, but Utley didn’t know it was going to do that. He thought he was going to catch the ball, and if Blanco mysteriously ended up a half-inch short of the bag, well, bully for the Dodgers. If Blanco’s head mysteriously hit Utley’s knee, that’s baseball for you! Can’t predict baseball.

Did Utley do it on purpose? After watching the GIF 50 more times, I have no idea. He wasn’t trying to get in front of the ball, so maybe he was just positioning himself better to make the catch? Or maybe he has a head-seeking knee.

This is the play in question, where Chase does the thing that literally every other fielder does on every tag play:

Hang him. He’s too dangerous for our civilized society. Ain’t that right, Jack?

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Yes it is! Oh yes it is right! Yes it is!!! Oh yes yes yes! Yes it is!

H/T to reader Patrick

Chase Utley Issued the Most Chase Utley Statement Ever and My God I Love The Man

Kyle Scott - October 12, 2015

Chase Utley will play tonight – or at least he’ll be available and should be in the lineup to take Matt Harvey deep – and rather than speak to the gremlins trolling about his locker, he issued a terse statement, which tickles my heart like viewing pictures of small babies playing peek-a-boo with puppies. Chase, I see you:

“The Players Association and my agent are handling the appeals process. I have nothing more to say other than to reiterate that I feel terrible about Ruben’s injury. Now my teammates and I are focused on Game 3 and doing everything we can to win this series.”

Translation: Sorry about Ruben, but seriously, screw off. I’m going to slide like that again and, honestly, I’m kind of mad I didn’t break his other leg, too. Your good friend, Chase.

Just buy a shirt. All red in stock, blue in select sizes:

Get one.

New York Is Out To Get Chase Utley

Kyle Scott - October 11, 2015

THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.

Somewhere, this morning, Harry Kalas poured himself a See-Through, nestled up to the great bar in the clouds, and told By Saam stories about “The Man.”

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New York Post:

Chase Utley has fine lifetime numbers against Matt Harvey, so there is an awfully good chance he will start Game 3 of this National League Division Series when it resumes Monday at Citi Field. And even if he doesn’t, and merely trots to third base as part of the pregame introductions …

If Utley thought he was detested, despised and reviled in New York already, he has no idea what he’s in for. You thought it was ugly when John Rocker returned to the scene of his verbal hate crimes? Maybe you remember Pete Rose leveling Buddy Harrelson back in the ’73 playoffs, and the way he was treated the rest of his career at Shea Stadium?

Those were Hallmark cards compared to what’s coming.

This would have blown up the night regardless of who was involved. The fact it’s Utley only makes it epic. Utley was the very face of the Phillies who stole the East right away from the Mets in 2007 and didn’t let go for years. How many back-breaking hits has he collected against the Mets through the years? Seven thousand?

But it was more than that: Those Phillies believed the Mets were a soft, heartless lot, and they played the game with a ferocity the Mets took years to understand. This wasn’t even Utley’s first crack at Tejada: He took him out with a hard slide in September 2010, a play that drew harsh barbs (though no immediate retribution) from the Mets.

Everyone has a side in this (unless you’re Eric Byrnes on God-knows-what on MLB Network and crazed in your defense of everyone everywhere). But get outta here if you think this was a dirty play. It happens every week in baseball. If the league doesn’t like it, then change the rules. If Ruben Tejada’s leg didn’t snap (NEVER PLANT YOUR LEG WHILE TURNING TWO!), this wouldn’t even be as big of a deal. Sure, New York still would’ve hated Utley, but it would’ve blown over. If I’m a second baseman or shortstop, I’m offended – OFFENDED – if Utley doesn’t come at me like that. Tejada should’ve known– Utley did it to him before:

But Utley’s also been on the receiving end of it. Here’s soft-backed Captain America going straight for Utley’s balls in 2013: Continue Reading

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CHASE UTLEY YOU ARE THE MAN!

Kyle Scott - October 10, 2015

Here’s Chase Utley with a key takeout slide that murdered Ruben Tejada. Chase was, inexplicably, safe. Tejada was carted off with his knee in an air cast. The man. Continue Reading

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