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EXCLUSIVE: Chip Kelly’s Email Hacked!

Kyle Scott - April 22, 2015

Sticky: keep scrolling for newer posts.
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Sticky: Ruben Amaro’s Gmail Leaked!

Kyle Scott - July 23, 2014

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Reader Email: At What Point in a Relationship is it Acceptable to Expel Gas in Front of Your Partner?

Kyle Scott - December 5, 2013

Pic via Wallpaperhi

Pic via Wallpaperhi

Reader email:

Kyle, I remember you issuing a ruling on some guy who wanted to buy a throwback Flyers jersey and I thought you may be able to help me out though it has nothing to do with sports. I’ve been dating this girl for a little while now and I really like her. “The one” type shit. We’ve had sex and are in the “I’m just hanging out at your place for no particular reason” zone. But I haven’t farted in front of her yet and hanging out all day long sometimes hungover… well I have to let the gas out. She’s cool and I think she’d be down with it, but I don’t know when that is appropriate. Can you give me some guidance?

Sure thing! In fact, I’ll do you one better: hard and fast rules for dating flatulence.

First of all, there are two very distinct groups here: men and women. The rules differ, wildly, depending on which sex you consider yourself. Goes like this:

Women: You’re never allowed to fart in front of a significant other. Period. There, that’s settled.

Men: OK, this depends on a whole slew of very complicated prerequisites, so let’s break it down into a grammatical flowchart. Continue Reading

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Passionate, Intense… What the F$%k?: Sixers Send Strange Season Ticket Renewal Email

Kyle Scott - March 21, 2013

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Why am I not surprised that a guy who was an executive in the travel and leisure industry for so long fails egregiously to understand the Philly sports fan?

Yesterday, the Sixers sent a season ticket renewal email (and brochure!), signed by Adam Aron, to members of the Franklin Club, the hokily-named club for the poor souls who wasted their hard-earned money on bullshit this season. You can find a lot of things wrong with the letter, but mostly, it’s just too long and rambly, like a drunken note to a scorned lover. No way should things like this ever approach 853 words. Never. Not ever. But if it wasn’t so damn offensive and silly, no one would have noticed.

You can read the entire thing after the jump (it has to be the third-longest letter to season ticket holders in NBA history). But here are a few passages that really popped:

When I think back to how this current season started, we all had such high hopes that this would be a year in which the Sixers would soar to new heights. Right out of the box, a new ownership group demonstrated its commitment to restoring the Sixers to glory, through its sole focus both on your team and the experience you receive each game at the Wells Fargo Center. Last season’s improved play on the court, culminating in a dazzling playoff run, was complemented by enhancements to the show that surrounds the game itself. And then we created one new benefit after another for being a season ticket holder in the creation of the Franklin Club – as but three examples among many: you can dine in the Cadillac Grill; you can come to the games early and watch your favorite NBA players warm-up in private; and you were not alone in watching your Sixers play, as notable sports heroes and celebrities came to game after game.

 

Um, what?

If you’re from Philadelphia, or anywhere near it, you just rolled your eyes. Watching teams warm-up and notable sports heroes and celebrities??? Are you kidding me with that shit? You know where else you can find these things? EVERY PROFESSIONAL SPORTING EVENT, PRETTY MUCH EVER. Who are we talking about here, ex-Sixers and Terrence Howard? Really, tell me. Because this list isn’t doing it for me:

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the 76ers architected a trade that brought the Western Conference’s starting All Star Center last season to the Sixers roster.

 

Offensive. This is Philadelphia, where our baseball team is loaded with stars… where our hockey team is always among the most competitive and highest-spending in the league… and where our football team consistently has top-flight talent. Newsflash: YOUR TEAM SHOULD HAVE ALL-STARS. I’m soooo sick and tired of the Sixers talking about how they got the starting center of the Western Conference All-Star team. Imagine if the Eagles sent out a letter saying that, although it didn’t work out, they brought an AFC All-Pro cornerback to their roster. Just think about that for a moment.  

As a result, keen observers from near and far immediately began touting the Sixers as being among the NBA’s most competitive and contending teams. Unfortunately though, as we all know, sport can be cruel. Injuries have plagued the Sixers all year, and dashed our dreams for what might have been in the 2012-2013 season.

 

Tell me more, oh great fairy godmother! Did the villagers make it through the cold winter? Might I, too, one day be visited be a handsome prince?!

I’ve read goddamned children’s book that were less clichéd than the shit spewing from the Sixers front office.

We will either have on the floor the fruits of our trade from last summer, or instead we will have considerable cap space to participate in the free agency market.

 

Oh good! I have the utmost confidence in Tony DiLeo to make this work. 

It’s that time of year to continue your commitment to the Sixers, by renewing your Season Tickets for the 2013-2014 season. We have intentionally held pricing changes this season flat or modest for all Franklin Club Silver and Gold members. The vast majority of seats in the open lower and mezzanine bowls this year will have the same season ticket price or less than that of last year, and not a one will have a season ticket price increase averaging more than $2 per game (excluding the so-called “inside the dasher “ seats or suites/clubbox seats). And as a season ticket holder and Franklin Club Member, not only are you guaranteed to have the same great seat location for each and every game and a wide array of Franklin Club member benefits, but your season ticket holder price also assures you of a significant discount. Compared to buying an individual game ticket at face price for each game, you will enjoy a discount of at least 20% or more on average.

 

Too. Many. Words. And the Franklin Club is entirely too confusing. How many miles do I have to fly before I reach Gold status?

[click to enlarge]

Franklin

 

We want to see you in your seats at Sixers games next season. To thank you for renewing your season tickets, we will give you with our compliments a handsome Adidas 76ers warm-up jacket. As you would expect, these jackets are of fine Adidas quality (One free jacket will be awarded per renewing account, regardless of the number of seats renewed). 

 

SWELL, PAPA! My very own Adidas warm-up jacket with a compass in the stock and this thing with which tells time!!!! 

You better be careful, though– you don’t want to shoot your eye out. Actually… you might, when you read the full thing after the jump.

H/T to Chris

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CB Mailbag: “It is uninformed and uneducated dog people like you that cause the misidentification of dog breeds amongst the general public”

Kyle Scott - March 12, 2013

It’s not hard to imagine the vitriol that gets directed toward Michael Vick. After all… dog people are a strange, and intense, breed. 

I knew when I posted those photos last week that I would get a few unique emails, but this one is the winner.

An apparent dog trainer of some sort, Steph, took issue with the following paragraph from the post: A CB tipster, whose claims can be corroborated by several tweeters, sent along a few photos of Vick that were taken at a New Jersey PetSmart*, where Vick, his family and a bodyguard have been attending dog training classes for Angel, the Vick family’s young Belgian Malinois (a type of Shepherd).

This was our email exchange over the weekend. Totally sic’d, of course:

To whom it may concern,

It is uninformed and uneducated dog people like yourselves that cause the mid identification of dog breeds amongst the general public. The dog in that photo is most definitely a Belgian malinois but are not related to German shepherds. Its like saying that a Siberian husky is a type of Alaskan malamute. People like you infuriate me and make my job so much harder.  Thanks so much for that.

Sincerely

Steph

 

And here I always thought the Alaskan Malamute was just a gay Husky. Silly little blogger.

Steph, of course, was wrong about the Belgian Malinois.

Just for fun:

Steph,

This is the most ridiculous email I have ever received. First, I never wrote that a Belgian Malinois was a German Shepherd, so I don't know why you are even emailing me. Second, according to Google and Wikipedia, the BM is known as a Belgian Shepherd. Third, THAT is the part of the post you take issue with? Not the dog killer owning a dog? But a parenthetical, and just about meaningless, aside about the type of dog? And how, exactly, does this make your job harder? Is there a rash if misinformed dog owners instantly gramming their BM's that has the animal community in a frenzy?

For real, what would make you even think to send that email? But congrats, it just made the website. Please step off your high horse, which is a type of Equus ferrus.

Sent from my iPhone

 

Steph: 

I work with dogs and their misinformed owners everyday and classifying them is part of my job. A Belgian shepherd is a different dog then a malinois it said in the article that it was a type of shepherd. I think the article it self was stupid, no I don't like Micheal Vick or what he did but cudos for him for actually trying to raise a dog right for a change. And yes mid labeling breeds is z big deal to me so sorry to pick at your precious article but just because its on the net doesn't make it truth or law. As a reporter you suck, Wikipedia is not a source that should be used for anything. So sorry I insulted you lazy reporting.

Sincerely,
Steph

 

Picture response, from Google:

Belgian Malinois
 

Or, perhaps she would have preferred the American Kennel Club.

Here are Two of the Most Tone Deaf Emails You Will Ever See (From the Eagles and Michael Vick’s Reps)

Kyle Scott - November 27, 2012

Hey, the Eagles suck, but they aren’t above punching you extraordinarily hard in the dick today.

First, the team sent out an exclusive pre-sale announcement (to what is obviously the most poorly-targeted audience in history) for Taylor Swift’s concert at Lincoln Financial Field next July. Reader Matt sent this along: 

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This isn’t quite as bad as the Washington Nationals sending their fans a World Series ticket email the morning after they lost Game 5 of the NLDS in horrific fashion… but at least that was an accident. This email from the Eagles is about as tone deaf as it comes, especially when you consider that the rallying cry for Fire Andy has become Casey Conklin’s parody of Swift’s We Are Never Ever Gonna Get Back Together. If only the Eagles had a VP of communications or chief marketing officer to advise against this sort of thing.

A few minutes after that idiotic communication, Two Affix, an agency representing Michael Vick, sent out this press release:

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A $19.99 yearly-subscription to the mobile app for a quarterback who is going to be out of a job next year. Sweet.

Reader Email: Talk More Sixers

Kyle Scott - October 23, 2012

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From reader Tom. Subject: Kyle Scott. Read.

Dude, cover more sixers so when they win the Atlantic and then the eastern conference people won't be calling you a bandwaggoning blogger.

Tom
Sent from my iPhone

 

OK. First off, could win Atlantic. Not coming even remotely close to winning the Eastern Conference.

But I’ll humor you. So what, exactly, would you like me to talk about?

Would you like me to talk about Andrew Bynum, who the Sixers said, on October 1, would miss the first three weeks of practice but now it’s three weeks and two days later and the pre-season is over and there is still no update on him? That guy? OK, let’s talk about him.

Here’s what we know so far about Bynum: He’s a highly-skilled 24-year-old center who is kind of a flake and has a history of knee problems. Thus far in his time in Philadelphia he has A) undergone a previously scheduled non-invasive procedure on his knees in Germany. B) A few weeks later, he experienced discomfort in his right knee. Some called it a bone bruise, the Sixers hinted that it was an expected outcome from the procedure. C) A week later, he met with reporters looking – no exaggeration here – like a homeless man who had just smoked away his last $30. Without opening myself up for a lawsuit, I’ll say that, devoid of context, I thought Bynum was high during this interview. C2) We learned that Bynum plans to grow out his afro for about a year. D) Two days later, Howard Eskin posited that not only are Bynum’s knee troubles worse than the Sixers are letting on, but also that the Lakers gave the Sixers damaged goods. E) The next week, it was reported that Bynum would undergo another previously planned knee procedure that absolutely no one knew about. F) Now Doug Collins is preparing to start the season without the player the Sixers acquired in a breathtaking trade (Adam Aron’s words, not mine). G) There’s no update on Bynum. But the LA Times ran this article today, citing Lakers assistant coach Chuck Person, who said just how much better than Bynum Dwight Howard is. Look:

The Lakers center took the court Sunday for the first time with his new team and showed exactly why he was different from Andrew Bynum. Markedly.

Dwight Howard has instincts that his predecessor has rarely shown, scoring five times off alley-oop passes and teammates' missed shots in an exhibition game against Sacramento. Unlike Bynum, Howard's not a guy who needs the ball in the post, though he showed a left-handed hook shot against the Kings.

"Dwight's body is far more genetically gifted than Andrew. Andrew has had some issues obviously in his lower extremities in both knees," said Lakers assistant coach Chuck Person, who worked with Bynum last season and now Howard. "Andrew is gifted within his own right, but Dwight brings much better force because he's faster, quicker, more explosive, and he understands the game a lot better at this point than Bynum does.

"We have a much more gifted player on our hands, no doubt. Dwight understands who he is and what he's trying to accomplish. 'Drew understands where he needs to go, but he's still searching on how to get there." 

 

Howard is a great player, no doubt, but it’s almost as if reporters and Person were just waiting to take digs at Bynum.

So there, Tom, we talked about Bynum.

Want to keep going?

Want to talk about the myth that is Maalik Wayns? We did that yesterday. Don’t expect him to play more than five completely nonsensical minutes per game. Do buy his Roma jersey next season.

Should we talk about the most meaningless pre-season in all of sports, where players, most of whom mail it in for 75% of regular season games, have little incentive to give it their all, save for the fringe guys like Wayns who always shine brighter than their star’s output? Should we talk about that? No, let’s not. Because it doesn’t mean anything, and no one cares anyway. It’s pre-season basketball, holmes. I’d rather give a recap on the presidential debates than talk about the slopfests that are pre-season games. You know who the Sixers started last night? Damien Wilkins, Thaddeus Young, Lavoy Allen, Royal Ivey and Jason Richardson. Fucking Royal Ivey started… and I don’t even know who Damien Wilkins is. I’m not kidding you. That. Who the hell is that?


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Would you like me to talk about how most GMs in the league think the Sixers will finish third in their division?

How about the Sixers’ laughable quest for a PA announcer that resulted in HIRING THE GUY WHO DID IT FOR 14 YEARS?

Would you like me to talk about the emails I got from a few fans who said that the Sixers, without warning, moved their paid-for season ticket seats from the aisle to the center of the row for no apparent reason?

What, exactly, would you like me to talk about?!

And Now, an Email from Pittsburgh

Kyle Scott - October 18, 2012

Just a few minutes before doing my thing on the new GSD last night, I looked at my iPhone and noticed an email from ARF53@pitt.edu. Subject line: [sic] “kyle Scott… what a guy”

I am a great guy, but I don’t think that’s what Arf wanted to tell me. He apparently didn’t like this post about Sidney Crosby. Go, Arf:

Wow…I can not begin to express the hilarity that is your pathetic blog.
Kyle Scott you are a worthless excuse for a person…and even your own
demographic sees you for what you truly are…a sad, sad, little loser.
The new Crosby post, nice work, truly. You managed to come across as a
sniveling little girl, complaining about Crosby's lack of apology. You
then procede to call him a crybaby and a list of other witticisms, yet it
is you with a wang up your ass because in an interview, he spoke as an
athlete (something im sure you never were or ever will be) and refused to
apologize for whatever it was you and the rest of the Flyers orgnization
seems to be bitching about. The comments to that post amuse me. Your
"fans" calling you out for your complete stupidity. Crosby isnt sorry? Get
over it. You really are an embarassment to not only philadelphia but to
bloggers in general. You represent your orginization as complainers and
pussies looking for an apology…really? This is hockey. So until you
learn what it is to become a man, keep on sporting those sweet V-necks and
kindly go fuck yourself. You giant, giant, tool.

Oh…and your boner of the Nats? Also extremely pathetic…once again, you
are a tool.

 

If I had enough time to do so, I would have changed my spiel on GSD to simply: "fucking Yinzers!" But I'm not sure the censors would have allowed that anyway.

Pitt’s a tough school, and I’m not sure Arfy here is going to make it.