Posts for hernandez

Funnier: Livan Hernandez’s Drug Ring Ties or Todd Coffey’s Socks?

Kyle Scott - June 13, 2011


I'm going to go socks, actually.

I mean, really, are we that surprised Livan Hernandez is helping a Puerto Rican drug-ring launder money? No. No we are not.

Back in April, it was made public that Hernandez was a target in a federal probe of Angel Ayala Vázquez, a Puerto Rican drug trafficker with a name that makes Jose Yero jealous. Today, we learned this: [Washington Times]

Now the target of a federal money-laundering investigation, Mr. Hernandez is suspected of being a “straw buyer” for Ayala-Vazquez, according to a high-ranking law enforcement source. A straw buyer purchases items for others in their own name, allowing the proceeds from illegal activities such as drug trafficking to be hidden.

The 63-page indictment said the conspiracy by Ayala-Vazquez and his co-defendants used the “straw buyers” to purchase real estate, cars and businesses to make their drug profits appear legitimate.

During an impromptu news conference in San Juan, Puerto Rico, afterAyala-Vazquez’s conviction April 26, U.S. attorney Rosa Emilia Rodriguez-Velez was asked whether she expected charges to be filed against Mr. Hernandez.

“We’ll see with time, but the investigation continues. The answer is yes, correct,” Ms. Rodriguez-Velez said, according to El Nuevo Dia, a San Juan newspaper. 


I have no idea why the Washington Times linked to every name, every time, but whatevs. Hernandez is a "target," the top, um, ranking given by the FBI to people of interest.

What else would you have expected from a guy who used to pay his bullpen coach $50 so he could punch him in the groin? Glad to see he's spending his drug money well.

Here's some more on the defendants in the case:

The link surfaced during testimony from Miguel Antonio Montes Nieveson March 30 during Ayala-Vazquez’s trial in San Juan. Known as “Tony Montana” after Al Pacino’s character in “Scarface,” Montes pleaded guilty to mailing cocaine from Florida to Puerto Rico in an unrelated case. A childhood friend of Ayala-Vazquez’s in Bayamon’s Barbosa Public Housing Project, Montes landed in Orlando as part of a long career using and dealing drugs. Once, Montes testified, he met one ofAyala-Vazquez’s deputies, eager to score marijuana, at Chuck E. Cheese’s on International Drive in Orlando.

After Christmas 2005, Ayala-Vazquez and several of his lieutenants traveled to Florida. A concert at the House of Blues in Downtown Disney organized by Big League Entertainment, a promotion company run byElias Maldonado, was on the agenda. But obtaining the two cars fromMr. Hernandez in Miami was the primary purpose.


Icky. Whenever the drug lords you're working with start dealing out of a Chuck E. Cheese's, it's time to get out… Unless they're stashing the goods in Mr. Munch's anus- then that's funny.

Now we know why this ice cream cone is doing fantastically magic things.

Still not as funny as Todd Coffey's high socks, though:

via Big League Stew

I dare you to find a better reference than Mr. Munch. Dare you. 

So I Guess it’s Cool to Make Fun of the Nationals Now, The Facts Don’t Lie

Kyle Scott - March 25, 2011


Making fun of the Metropolitans is losing its luster. They're broke, awful, and spending $17 million on players they released. Those are facts. Sort of.

As I wrote here, it's time to turn an ironic chin to dumbass Werth and the Washington Nationals. It's a step up, really. City men to countrymen.

Here's a good place to start. Who says athletes don't do dumb shit with their money? [Wall Street Journal via DC Sports Blog]

Pitcher Livan Hernandez became something of a sadistic benefactor when he arrived in Arizona in 2006. Motuzas [bullpen catcher] said Hernandez once paid him $3,000 to drink a gallon of milk in 12 minutes. The two also hammered out a deal that permitted Hernandez to punch Motuzas in the groin for $50 a pop whenever he felt the urge. Motuzas would receive a $300 bonus after every 10th punch….

Things got really interesting one season when Hernandez got his hands on some rubber nunchucks. (”A gift from a fan,” former Diamondbacks pitcher Brandon Webb said.) Hernandez, who now pitches for the Washington Nationals, would put them to use now and then by blindfolding Motuzas. “And then he’d come up and whip the shit out of me,” said Motuzas, who was compensated for this, as well. “That was just his thing. Great guy, though.”


Ladies and gentlemen, the Nationals' Opening Day starter.

As if this wasn't enough fodder to bring with us to D.C. on April 14th, how's this: Jayson Werth will bat second this year. Jayson Werth is going be paid $10,571,429 million this year. Those are facts.

Werth is a career .252/.340/.432 (average/on-base/slugging) hitter in 381 at-bats in the two hole. That is also a fact.

Jeez, somebody should have told the Nationals that Werth never drove in 100 runs (fact), wasn't a middle-of-the-order type guy (fact), and wasn't worth $126 million. Also a fact.