Kobe Bryant has always been a vocal fan of Larry’s in the nonsensical cheesesteak dick-measuring contest that everyone who has ever swept through this city has thrown their two cents into. So, one might think that Larry’s would, you know, be able to spell the name of one of the most famous athletes in the world who, oh by the way, just happens to be their free spokesperson.

Nope.

I can’t only imagine how badly they would’ve butchered it if Dwyane Wade were a fan.

I can’t get enough of this Kobe Bryant-mom legal squabble over his memorabilia. Pamela Bryant, Kobe’s mom, is trying to sell a bunch of his high school mementos (read: junk… except it’s not junk when your son is one of the greatest athletes ever) through an auction so she can buy herself a house in Nevada.

Yesterday, Kobe and his lawyer (I wonder if it’s the same guy who got him off with rape?*) filed court papers claiming that Pamela has no right – no right, I tell you! – to sell his shit: [Philly.com]

“I confronted her about her false statement that I had given my memorabilia to her,” [Bryant] wrote.

“I said to her, ‘Mom, you know I never told you that you could have the memorabilia.’

“Her response was, ‘Yes, but you never said you wanted it either.’ Of course, this is untrue, since my wife and I requested that she return my memorabilia several years earlier.”

His response also set up a mystery: How did the Teen Choice Award Surfboard end up at the auction house?

It “was last seen by me in my personal residence. I do not know how my mother or Goldin obtained possession of this award,” he wrote, “but it was without my permission.”

Bryant says the items “have tremendous sentimental value for me, and I desire to hand down my well-earned memorabilia to my children.”

But you never said you wanted it either? Teen Choice Award Surfboard? This sounds like a horribly ill-conceived episode of The Hills. Like, this can’t be the spring Kobe wanted, right? While LeBron James is busy throttling the Bulls, Kobe is at home nursing his surgically repaired Achilles and arguing with his mom over a novelty surfboard. LeBron: quest to become the greatest. Kobe: family court. Oh yes, karma can, in fact, be a bitch.

*This is why I say we leave Charles Ramsey alone. Kobe admitted that he had non-consensual sex ( some call it “rape”) and within a few years he was back to being a hero and receiving millions of dollars in endorsements. If we can gloss over his past, then we can surely overlook Ramsey’s past and applaud him for being the Big Mac eatin’, white woman savin’ hero that he is. 

Rough go of it lately for Kobe Bryant– he tore his Achilles last month, has been forced to send a cease and desist to his mom, and he hasn’t raped anybody in at least a few years.

Kobe’s lawyer has sent a cease and desist to to Goldin Auctions, who has scheduled an auction for June that includes some of Kobe’s Lower Merion jerseys, a Lakers jersey, two championship rings… and, for some strange reason, a Teen Choice Awards surfboard. The items were submitted to the auction house by Kobe’s mom, Pamela, who claims that her son didn’t want them and that she is the rightful owner.

Pamela is using the expected $1.5 million haul from the auction to buy a house in Las Vegas.

From the Inquirer:

Seven or eight years ago, well after Kobe had gotten married, Pamela Bryant asked her son’s wife, Vanessa, if she wanted the items. She said no – those items belonged to the past, according to the suit.

And so, five years ago, the lawsuit says, Pamela Bryant packed up the jerseys, the championship rings, and award plaques, spending $1,500 a month to store and insure them in West Berlin.

“Pamela Bryant indicated to Ken Goldin that Kobe Bryant has never demanded the return of any of the items, nor were they in any way taken from [him] without his permission,” the suit says.

Two glaring questions here: In what convoluted family dynamic do you have to issue a cease and desist involving your mother? I mean, every few years, my Mom threatens to get rid of my baseball cards and some old jerseys and stuff, but a phone call and reminder about the time she broke my smiley face ring when I was little usually puts a stop to that. And, why DOESN’T KOBE JUST BUY HIS MOM THE HOUSE? He’s worth $200 million— surely he could purchase his (estranged?) parents a house to keep them happy. At the very least, Pamela has to have something on Kobe to extort him into buying her a plush mansion near the strip, right? That’s the proper thing to do. Don’t sell his childhood memories… just blackmail him. Simple. You’ll save on lawyer fees.

How much you want to bet Adam Aron tries to buy a few Lower Merion jerseys to hang at the Well because history!