Posts for lenny

Lenny Dykstra is Showing Off Captain Winky in Prison

Kyle Scott - May 8, 2012

image from mobilwi.typepad.com

Truth.

We are no longer surprised by any stories coming out of the Dykstra Zone, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be weirded out.

Lenny Dykstra, apparently, is in a jail cell next to Dr. Conrad Murray, the guy who probably didn’t kill Michael Jackson but we’re all going to blame him for it anyway. That guy. Dykstra is holed up next to him in the celebrity wing of the L.A. County Jail (that’s a T-Macism right there– has to be a better word than celebrity for the likes of Murray and Dykstra, no?). 

So, what does one do when holed up next to THE GUY WHO KILLED THE KING OF POP (!!!)? Well, stick your penis through a sheet, naturally.

TMZ explains:

We're told Dykstra sometimes puts a sheet over his head — for fun — pokes a hole around the waste area and sticks his "baseball bat" through the hole … for the amusement of anyone who dares to look.

James Debarge's lawyer, Spencer Vodnoy (whose client is in a nearby cell), tells TMZ … Murray and DeBarge are now best buds, and they make fun of Dykstra and his perverted past-time pleasures.

 

Gh… gh… gh GHOOOOOOST. On a stick.

We will cross our fingers that, unlike what he did with his housemaids, from whom he may or may not have forced blow jobs, that Dykstra is just dick-dangling for dick-dangling’s sake, and not trying to get… well… eh, you get it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch my 1993 World Series video and punch myself in the crotch as hard as I possibly can. Perhaps through a sheet.

Cry. I'm going to cry, too.

via Barstool

Lenny Dykstra is Going to Jail

Kyle Scott - March 5, 2012

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Lenny Dykstra stories are like watching HBO’s Real Sex over and over– after a while, you just become immune to what was once shocking, perhaps intriguing, and maybe even a little bit hot

Anyway, Nails has been sentenced to three years in prison in his grand theft auto case. Dykstra and a partner were accused of forging paperwork to steal luxury cars from a California dealer.  

After entering a “no contest” plea, Dykstra tried to change his plea to “not guilty,” but a judge denied the request, saying that Dykstra had ample time to provide evidence that he was innocent. [LA Times]

After she rejected the plea withdrawal, Dykstra addressed the court, making a rambling and repetitive speech requesting leniency.

"Did I do something I'm not proud of? Yes," Dykstra said. "Am I a criminal? No."

During the statement, he apologized to his family and told the judge he had voluntarily entered drug rehab. He did not, however, apologize to the victims, including the man whose identity he stole in an effort to steal the cars. 

 

Sad. Maybe. I don’t know, I’m numb.

The Lenny Dykstra Celebrity Boxing Match (Which Never Happened) Story Has Taken an Unexpected and Delightfully Ridiculous Turn

Kyle Scott - November 7, 2011

Lenny_dykstra_nbc
But, but, but…

Of course the Lenny Dykstra celebrity boxing match saga took a turn toward the ridiculous this weekend.

He didn’t show up. You knew that.

What you might not know are the details (half of which have to be false, since every player in this is making contradictory statements) as told to Dan Gross, who wrote a fascinating, must-read article on the whole cockup.

If you don’t have the attention span to read a lengthy piece about worms crawling on slugs, then here’s the gist:

Lenny says he never agreed to the fight. Instead, he claims that a man posing as his business manager, Dan Herman, 26, of West Chester, booked him for the fight and made up the quotes that were contained in a press release for the event.

Damon Feldman and Alki David, the fight’s organizers, reversed course on a prior claim that they paid Dykstra a $5,000 advance on Thursday (citing loud noises as a reason for the misinterpreted question, answer). Feldman told Gross that, last week, he and David visited Dykstra at a California rehab center, where Dykstra is currently a patient. Dykstra, however, says that he isn’t a patient, and that he’s simply staying with his friend… Dr. Howard Samuels (yeah, and I just like to fly with my quiet companion, William H. Xanax).

Anyway, the best part is when Dykstra starts slinging mud at Herman (portrayed to be the real culprit here), who may or may not be posing as Nails’ business manager, 

"I never agreed to anything," the embattled Dykstra told us yesterday in an email. "Damon Feldman and Alki David continued to use my name to sell tickets and promote their event up until the last minute. They showed up at my door unexpected, I didn't even know who they were," Dykstra explained. He then showed Feldman and David an angry email he sent to Herman Wednesday night, chewing out Herman for booking the fight without his permission.

By phone yesterday, Dykstra denied that Herman was ever his business manager. "If he's my business manager, I'm a f[uck]in' ballerina," he told us.

 

[If anyone wants to make Lenny Dykstra-I’m a fuckin’ ballerina shirts, consider us on board] 

For what it’s worth, I’ve been told that Herman is the guy who runs “Dykstra’s” Twitter account, too.

There’s more. Much more. Dykstra acknowledges that he was visited by Feldman and David. And he claims he was offered money to say – on video – that he was unable to fight due to injury. Feldman and David, of course, deny that claim– because that would surely be unethical.

Not to be outdone in this circle jerk of unfortunate, Herman claims that Dykstra is lying because he’s a convicted felon, and that’s just what they do.

Oh, and the best part? Dykstra only spoke to Gross because John Bolaris told him it was OK. 

You can’t make up the Dykstra Zone, folks.

Full story here.

Lenny Dykstra Bailed on His Fight with Jose Canseco

Kyle Scott - November 5, 2011

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Welcome to the Dykstra Zone, where nothing – nothing – will surprise you. I just got done reading the Jerry Sandusky grand jury presentment, so, unfortunately, anything Lenny Dykstra related seems tame and – almost – normal.

According to reports, Dykstra has bailed on his scheduled boxing match against Jose Canseco. Dan Gross, master of gossip at Philly.com, says that he spoke with both Dykstra and promoter Damon Feldman. Feldman told Gross that Lenny was paid $5,000 on Thursday, and due another $10,000 tonight.

Dykstra said he would call Gross back. As of writing this (8:30 Sat.), he has not yet returned the call, according to Gross.

Now, there are two ways to go with this. One is that Dykstra continues to defy the laws of accountability by bailing on a paid publicity stunt, one that doubles as a halfway house for the belly button lint of our society. 

The other is that Dykstra never planned to fight… and Feldman knew it. Having his name atop the fight card brought much needed attention to an event that featured Octomom. I’m actually more inclined to think this was the case, because I’m sure that if given the chance, Lenny is exactly dumb enough to show up and get punched in the head for $10,000.

We’ll have any unfortunate updates, if there are any.

Lenny Dykstra is Going to Fight Jose Canseco LIVE ON THE INTERNET!

Kyle Scott - November 2, 2011

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I honestly thought Lenny was still in jail.

From the files of ridiculous comes the following story. Jose Canseco, who was originally scheduled to fight Tarek Salahi, the White House crasher, as part of a celebrity boxing publicity stunt will now square off against… Nails.

From the perfectly crafted press release (although, in the Dykstra Zone, I believe pretty much anything crazy he says): [BusinessWire.com]

“Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies. I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco,” said Dykstra in a statement.

 

Salahi obliged. But he will still take part in the evening’s events, fighting Kato Kaelin in one of the six undercards to the big Canseco-Dykstra showdown. 

Just look at this card, it’s like a Who’s who of Who isn’t

Jose Canseco

 

Vs

 

Lenny Dykstra

Joey Buttafuco

 

Vs

 

Lou Ballera

Nadya "Octomom" Suleman

 

Vs

 

Amy Fisher

Coolio

 

Vs

 

Jeremy Jackson

Tareq Salahi

 

Vs

 

Kato Kaelin

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee

 

Vs

 

Violet Kowal

Tila Tequila

 

Vs

 

TBA

 

How is Gary Busey not involved in this? That TBA is just calling his name.

You can watch the fight live on – here comes the publicity part – FilmOn.com on November 5.

I hate myself.

UPDATE: Lenny Dykstra Facing Auto Theft and Drug Charges

Kyle Scott - June 6, 2011

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And how’s your Monday? Just another day in the Dykstra Zone? I think so.

At least this one doesn't involve him whipping his dick out to an unsuspecting housekeeper: Nails, in accusations unrelated to his April arrest (embezzling from bankruptcy estate), will be arraigned later today on charges of auto theft and drugs, according to TMZ.

Sources connected with the criminal probe tell TMZ … Dykstra got a heads up this weekend, informing him the Los Angeles County Grand Jury has indicted him.  Dykstra was told he'll be arraigned later today. Sources tell TMZ the charges include auto theft, identity theft, and drug allegations.

Our sources also say Dykstra won't be alone — his accountant will be a co-defendant.

Sources say the L.A. County District Attorney plans to recommend that bail be set at $500,000 for Dykstra … but we're told that amount could change.

 

Nothing surprises me anymore, really.

Also from TMZ:

Plaixco Burress kept a filthy jail cell

Jennifer Lopez blocks release of her honeymoon sex tape… which sucks, because 1997 J-Lo was hot. Now she looks like Omar Minaya.

UPDATE: What were the drugs? Cocaine, ecstasy, HGH, ya know.

[ESPN.com

Dykstra, 48, was charged with 25 misdemeanor and felony counts of grand theft auto, attempted grand theft auto, identity theft and other crimes, said Jane Robison, a spokeswoman for the Los Angeles County district attorney's office. He faces up to 12 years in state prison if convicted.

His accountant and a friend were charged in connection with the alleged auto theft but not with drug crimes, Robison said.

Prosecutors contend that the three men tried to lease high-end cars from dealers this year by providing phony information and claiming credit through a phony business called Home Free Systems.

Two dealerships rejected the lease applications but a third allowed the men to drive off with three cars, according to a statement from the district attorney's office.

Police who arrested Dykstra on April 14 found cocaine, Ecstasy and the synthetic human growth hormone Somatropin at his San Fernando Valley home, the statement said.

 

H/T to (@DXFlyers) and (@Amanda_Marie13)

Lenny Dykstra Tried to Rescue Doc Gooden From Celebrity Rehab

Kyle Scott - May 24, 2011

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I got you, Bro

Truth.

Appearing this morning on WFAN in New York, Dwight Gooden explained how Nails tried to get him out of his stint on Celebrity Rehab, which was recently filmed, because Dykstra thought Gooden was being hypnotized and held against his will.

“Dyskstra came to visit me on Celebrity Rehab. That dude was crazy. He thought that I had been hypnotized and they were holding me hostage. He tried to come in with two guys to get me out of there. That’s a true story.”

 

Gooden went on to say that Dykstra, with whom he had just had dinner a few days prior to his rehab stint, showed up with two “large” men and refused to sign a waiver to be on TV until after he saw that Gooden was OK. After speaking for a few minutes, Dykstra wasn’t convinced and asked if Gooden needed help getting out. He didn’t.

To summarize: Warlock Dykstra tried to break Dwight Gooden out of rehab because he thought Gooden was being held hostage. Just another day in the Dykstra Zone, folks.

Listen to the interview after the jump. Bonus comments about a fan being pulled from the stands to do two members of the 1986 Mets.

H/T to Dan

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Lenny Dykstra Writes Epic Letter in NY Post, Invokes Charlie Sheen, Accuses FBI of Torture

Kyle Scott - May 10, 2011

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As always, Lenny Dykstra public appeals are best viewed while listening to Fall Out Boy’s Sugar, We’re Going Down.

Oh yeah, it's good.

This is just the latest entry in the newly formed “Dykstra Zone.” Are you really surprised that Lenny wrote a letter to the people accusing the feds of stealing from and torturing him? No, no you are not.

It seems Nails took a page – quite literally – out of his buddy Charlie Sheen’s playbook for public redemption, declaring to all that he was going to “win” and fight the feds on all the false charges brought against him. Of course, the major difference between Dude and Sheen was that Sheen had actually been doing something constructive before diving off the deep end. Lenny, on the other hand, ran his magazine into the ground, assaulted a couple of housekeepers, stole from a hooker, and duped Jim Cramer on his road to bankruptcy. Those things don’t paint a particularly positive portrait, yo.

Here are some highlights from his letter. Heck, it was only a Ford Flex!

[NY Post]

I address the people of the great City of New York:

You need to buckle your seat belts, because what you are about to read could not be made up. What I have somehow lived through the past 2½ years, and continue to live through now, makes me fully understand that God would never make someone endure what I have endured unless there was a reason for it.

That being said, I was wrong when I thought God put me on this earth to entertain people at Shea Stadium. (Remember? I was pretty good at that.) However, I have come to realize that God put me on this earth to help people, to be a factor. And that, my friends, is what I intend to do — because at the end of the day, it's all about results. The kind of results I will bring to the party will be unlike any seen before. Talk is cheap; I am about walking the talk.

 

To begin with, I had $100 million in assets when I filed my Chapter 11. It is also important for you to know that I did not get stupid overnight. I didn't make bad investments; every company that I have ever created or owned was and still is a winning company. And I sure as hell was not going to get on my knees, put my hands behind my head, and let this corrupt group of people masquerading as attorneys execute me — as that is what bankruptcy is all about. Just because they do this to everyone else does not mean I was going to let them do it to me. The corrupt world of bankruptcy is best described as "the death chamber."

The so-called "grand theft auto" was never even brought; the case was dismissed. The theft was committed by them, as they stole a car I was leasing from Ford. Heck, it was only a Ford Flex.

 

Over the last two years, they have basically stolen everything from me — my family, my kids, my homes, my cars, my businesses, my reputation, my money, my life. But what they can never steal is my HEART and my FIGHT — and at the end of the day, I will win and I will win big!

 

How is he going to do that exactly?

You can read the full letter here.