If you read Bob Nightengale’s USA Today piece from earlier this week (and Joy on Broad’s sterling write-up on this site), you’re left with only one viable conclusion. Dear God, Bryce Harper, one of the best players in all of baseball, has NO OTHER CHOICE but to sign with your Philadelphia Phillies.

My God. Can you imagine it? His wavy locks flowing in the humid air on an August night as he tracks down a screaming line drive at the warning track, making a 10-point catch to cap off a wondrous 3 for 4 evening at the plate that saw him CRUSH his 30th home run of the season to put the Phillies 20 games above .500 and give them a comfortable five game lead in the NL East.

He’d give the ladies in the right field section his signature wink as he leaves the field, instantly soaking every pair of panties from row 1 to 50. He’d underhand toss the ball to a blind boy in the stands, miraculously curing him after medical science was nothing but a dead end for the young wretch, Harper’s fifth such miracle on the season.

The Phillies are the only logical franchise to sign Harper. They want Harper. They can afford Harper (and more importantly, overpay for Harper). Harper has every reason in the world to sign with the Phillies. Nightengale even guaranteed it:

He will be standing in right field with the Phillies on March 28 at Citizens Bank Park when they open the season against the defending NL East champion Atlanta Braves.

Bank on it.

But in the words of Winston “The Wolf” Wolfe from Pulp Fiction, “Well, let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet.”

Logic and reason have no place within these city boundaries.

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If you wanted the Phillies to offer every single prospect in their farm system to acquire Bryce Harper or Manny Machado for the stretch run, guess what? You’re a moron.

Matt Klentak did the exact right thing for this Phillies team in the last two weeks. Make a few minor moves, hope to catch lightning in a bottle with one of them, and set your eyes on the future because the chances of making a deep playoff run this year are slim to none.

I like this team, they’re fun to watch at times (mostly when Aaron Nola is pitching), but every inning-killing error, every befuddling base running error, every lead the patchwork bullpen can’t hold kills my soul. They play worse defense than a little league team, their biggest free agent acquisition is hitting .211 on August 1, and they routinely have to throw Tommy “Hungry Man Dinner” Hunter out of the pen because they literally have nobody else.

Klentak knows this isn’t the year to pounce. Like Reuben Frank at an Eagles training camp buffet, you don’t waste your time on the cheap coffee and donuts in the morning, you wait until they put out the Rita’s Water Ice in the afternoon and you make your move. You play it smart. They stood pat. They didn’t panic and fall into the quagmire of a highly talented, yet likely rental player, and acquired a few key bats for next to nothing that could pay off for the stretch run.

It’s the Pat Gillick model, and it won them a championship in 2008. Not saying the Phillies are going to win the World Series this year, but it puts them in a better position to win next year….and in 2020….and for years down the road because they didn’t do something stupid.

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