Posts for marlins

The Marlins’ Ridiculous Home Run Fountain is Alive

Kyle Scott - March 26, 2012

It’s alive! The Marlins' hideous Kristin Davis vagina (NSFW!!!)-like structure is alive!

We've covered in great detail the Los Marlinos' frightening home run fountain, which resides just beyond the centerfield fence at the team’s new Miami ballpark. Now we get to see it in action… and it’s ridiculous: flipping marlins, lights, animatronic flamingos, and what appears to be a whale’s blowhole— all present to punctuate the long ball. Still clueless as to who, how, or why this seemed like a good idea, to anyone, but it's real, folks.

Side note on Los Marlinos: Two weeks ago, we posted about a terrible anthem that was passed off as an “Official Marlins Theme Song.” The Marlins told Yahoo! that the song, in all its awfulness, had no affiliation with the team. Skeptical, I reached out to the person who made the song, (pseudo)professional signer Sarah Spiegel. Her father answered (…) and told me that his daughter, a Miami area native who now lives in LA, had recorded the song as a demo, with the intent to show it off to the team once it was finished. Last week, I received a follow-up call from her agent, who somewhat angrily filleted Marlins fans for their closed-mindedness, and said that the team had, in fact, been in talks with Spiegel about using her song. The demo was posted to YouTube so it could be shown off to some famous high school composer who was featured on 60 Minutes recently (I stopped listening at this point). He was to contribute to the song before putting the final masterpiece in front of the Marlins brass.

So yeah, the Marlins may have been entertaining the idea of using this ridiculous song. Just. In. Case. You. Care.

video via Deadspin, H/T to reader Matt

Video: The Marlins’ Official Theme Song is an Embarrassment to Baseball, Perhaps Humanity

Kyle Scott - March 14, 2012

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If you thought the Marlins’ vagina-like home run fountain was rock bottom, you’d be wrong. 

Here’s a verse from the new – official – Marlins 2012 theme song, We Are The Marlins (Go Fish!):

M-A-R-L-I-N-S, we are the Marlins, go Fish!

Everything is great in the sunshine state, we got the Marlins, the Miii-aaa-mi Marlins

So get up and let’s go, let everybody know that we are the Marlins, the Miii-aaa-mi Marlins

Catch the wave, cheer the boys (we are the Marlins, go Fish!), stomp your feet, and let’s make some noise

We are the Marlins, the Miii-aaa-mi Marlins 


Wait, who are you?

It sounds like the unfortunate offspring of Jimmy Buffett fucking a high school cheerleading squad. And that’s coming from someone who likes Jimmy Buffett… and cheerleading squads!

This is truly an embarrassment. Somewhere, the Reading Phillies' outstanding promotions guy shakes his head in obvious disgust.

Must-listen audio after the jump. SMH.

H/T to reader Josh

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Former Phillie Greg Dobbs Concerned Over Marlins’ Vagina-Like Home Run Fountain

Kyle Scott - March 6, 2012

image from

We’ve covered – in some detail – the home run fountain at the Marlins’ new ballpark in Miami. I think it looks like Kristin Davis’ hideous vagina (NSFW!!!). Most of you disagree.

Anyway, tonight the Marlins will play their first game in the new park, against the University of Miami, and some players have expressed concerns over the colorful folds and flaps and spinning-fucking-marlins contained in the sculpture. One of those worry warts is former Phillie Greg Dobbs: [CBS Miami

“If it is an issue, it can no longer be there. I won’t be the only left-handed hitter saying something. If other teams have a problem with it, they’re definitely going to voice their concern to the league.”


What’s the old adage? Fishy, vagina-like structures don’t mess with Greg Dobbs’ batters’ eye?

 Something like that.

Anyway, Marlins officials tell CBS 4 that it won’t be an issue– the sculpture will be only activated following select stimuli, like a Marlins home run… or a gentle rub. 

Today in Douchebaggery: The Nationals and Marlins Unveil 2012 Slogans

Kyle Scott - March 2, 2012

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Thankfully, two teams are jockeying to fill the Mets’ shoes and become the most hilarious (if not threatening…) NL East team: the Nationals and Marlins

We’ve told you about how much smack the Nats are talking. COO Andy Feffer is in the running for most inflammatory sports executive of all-time. The team’s Take Back the Park campaign is borderline offensive. Jayson Werth and a Phillies PR guy traded verbal jabs. And Michael Morse appeared on TV and described his Beast Mode t-shirt.

None of that can stand up to the Nats latest move, however. Today they unveiled their 2012 marketing slogan: Natitude.

COO Ffffer explains it to the Washington Post’s Dan Steinberg: [Washington Post

“It’s a young team, with an edge and attitude,” Nats COO Andy Feffer told me this week. “But now it’s different than the past: they’re talented, and they’ve got the skills to back it up. That kind of edge and attitude is Natitude.”


It is? I imagine Nats reliever (weird!) Brad Lidge is just shaking his head at all this.

What’s more, the Nats are encouraging players to design their own Natitude t-shirts, a pseudo modern version of No Fear apparel, it seems:  [Washington Post]

The team has started introducing players to the new campaign, asking them to design t-shirts that express their own particular Natitude. Drew Storen has already come up with his concept, featuring the phrase “Attention fans, the bottom of the 9th has been canceled.” The most popular player shirts will be used either as team giveaways or sold in the team store.



That’s all laughable, of course, but the Los Marlinos, taking cues from the recent success(?) of The Antlers and The Claw, take the cake with this: []



"Lo viste," Spanish for "See That," has caught on with Emilio Bonafacio, Jose Reyes, Omar Infante and new skipper Ozzie Guillen among others. The players put two fingers up to their eye in a sideways "V" shape. "Lo viste" is making its way around the camp and Bonafacio even ordered orange tee-shirts with the action portrayed on the front and the saying, "Lo viste" on the back. Word on the street is that he also has an order in for black shirts for the whole team.


Jesus, the logo on that shirt looks like an alligator performing cunnilingus. 

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"Say what?"

Happy weekend.

Natitude video after the jump.

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For Just Over $6,000 Jose Reyes’ Hair Can Be Yours

Kyle Scott - February 7, 2012

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Now you can own the flowing locks that witnessed four seasons of laughable underachievement (!!!).

Jose Reyes last cut his hair in 2007, he says. But now that he’s a Miami Marlin, he will have to abide by the team’s policy, which says that players should keep it tight up top. So, last week, our favorite showboating shortstop cut his dreads live on the MLB Network, and the resulting clump of hair was donated to the Make-A-Wish Foundation to be auctioned off. Behold:

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Lovely. Good work on the charity. But seriously, who would want this? That clump of hair has seen a historic collapse, years of underachievement, a big-market team losing nearly all its money, and, undoubtedly, the loins of dozens (hundreds?) of conquests, including Reyes’ Philly-native baby mama. No thanks.

Video of the cut is after the jump… if you care. Or you can bid here

H/T to (@Roose_TTB)

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Yep, The Marlins’ Home Run Fountain is as Frightening as You Might Have Expected

Kyle Scott - February 2, 2012

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Marlins beat reporter Joe Capozzi was at the team's new home today to watch a jazzed up PR man describe with great wonderment the magical process of installing sod in a ballpark which exists solely because the team swindled taxpayers. As the little pitchman prattled on, Capozzi turned his iPhone toward center field, where the much-talked-about Marlins home run fountain will live. Previously, we had only seen it in animated .gif form… but now, we get to see it in the flesh.


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According to an artists’ rendering, the fountain will include dancing and spinning marlins flying above a neon light show that resembles the outside of a very cheap, perhaps illegal, Vegas marriage hall. I think it sort of looks like Kristin Davis' hideous vagina (NSFW!!!), but judging by some earlier comments, most of you disagree.

Video after the jump.

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Marlins Fans Are Getting Cocky

Kyle Scott - December 8, 2011

image from

As you might have expected, Marlins fans, both of them, are going to be entirely too large for their britches this season what with their new stadium, logo, and the acquisitions of Jose Reyes, Heath Bell, Mark Buehrle and almost Albert Pujols. Run-on sentences aside, the message is clear: Move over 2007 Mets fans, there’s a new type of fan to annoy, and this one resides in the sunshine state.

With that sort of rapid ascension into the big-time (the Nationals came oh-so-close last year, but that whole Jayson Werth thing didn’t work out so well), comes a myriad problematic things… like this weirdo, perhaps the unfortunate renewal of Miami columnist Dan Le Batard’s Highly Questionable on ESPN, and songs. Lots of songs.

First up in what is sure to be a long line of salsa dancing, Mojito nights and Le Batard’s nightly head-scratcher, is this Marlins anthem, Miami (Here We Go), as performed by the inappropriately-named YouTube sensation (?) DCMusicNation.

Hit it, DCMN:

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