Hey kid, go get Uncle Swoop a fresh pair of shorts.
Somehow, after the post about Sixers jobs yesterday, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of Team Work Online job postings. Used to do that quite a bit when I had jobs I hated, but have since realized that most team jobs to which the Average Joe can apply are 70-hour per week indentured servitudes with funky hours and potentially no food. But, every now and then, there’s a winner. So, WHO WANTS TO BE SWOOP?
The Eagles recently posted a position for MASCOT APPRENTICE. And while that may sound like something Cousin Eddie’s older boy would do after barking for the Yak Woman (you ever see her? she’s got these big horns growing right out above her ears), it does sound like a pretty cool opportunity:
The Mascot Apprentice will be responsible for assisting SWOOP, the Eagles official mascot, at approximately 200 events annually. The scope of said events shall be threefold: those of a charitable nature, those of a corporate, revenue-generating nature, and those conducted in conjunction with Eagles’ corporate partners. In addition, the Mascot Apprentice, a highly motivated, energetic, talented individual will have the unique opportunity to learn the craft of SWOOP with the potential to perform as SWOOP for approximately up to 50 events annually including game-days. Mascot Apprentice will be responsible for maintaining the positive image for the mascot character.
Assist SWOOP, the Eagles official mascot, at approximately 200 events annually. Assisting includes a variety of duties such as ensuring mascot has mandatory break during event, communicating directives of client to mascot while in costume, helping to assure safety of mascot while in costume, carrying mascot gear, giveaways, and autograph materials.
Learn the unique craft of performing as SWOOP
Perform at approximately 50 corporate and community events as well as game-days by performing as SWOOP, once learning of craft is achieved.
Communicate regularly with Marketing Assets Coordinator to obtain necessary details to execute mascot schedule of appearances.
Basically, you’re Swoop’s bitch and his fill-in for nonsensical corporate appearances.
I’d also like to call your attention to
THE WONDERFUL YAK WOMAN, SHE’S UGLY AS SIN BUT A SWEE… um, a couple of other lines from the job posting: the organizational overview and one specific req:
The Philadelphia Eagles are known as one of the more progressive organizations in professional sports and have come to be considered one of the most storied sports franchises in history. As an organization the Philadelphia Eagles is both an exciting and demanding place to work fueled by passion, dedication, and a commitment to the community and the Eagles Youth Partnership.
That’s interesting to read, because this is how the Eagles view themselves. No argument on the progressive organization thing (hello, Mr. Turbine and Mademoiselle Solar Lot), but one of the most storied sports franchises in history? Perhaps we can soften that language to, say,
Gold Standard something that indicates a well-run business that hasn’t yet won anything of value.
Athletic abilities and a creative personality with a good sense of humor a must, along with being in good mental and physical health. Ability to work in extreme heat or cold weather conditions.
I’m not sure if that’s a Sandusky clause or a you better be able to take some guff, kid clause. But basically, you can’t do this: