Posts for patriots

Celebrating Tom Brady’s Top Five Moments as a New England Patriot

Kevin Kinkead - March 17, 2020

Tom Brady is no longer a New England Patriot, announcing today that he’ll be leaving the team after 20 seasons in which he won six Super Bowls and compiled a list of personal honors and achievements as long as a CVS receipt. He’ll go into the Hall of Fame as the best quarterback to ever play in the National Football League.

As such, it’s hard to parse Brady’s New England career, because it’s so long and features so many things worth talking about. It’s kind of like building an AC/DC setlist from 16 albums containing more than 100 songs. You can’t fit everything into a two-hour gig, but you’ll always find room for classics like “Hells Bells” and “Thunderstruck.”

In a similar fashion, I spent the morning going through Brady’s New England career, and painstakingly trimmed his list of best moments into a top five of all time:

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Affidavit Details Bob Kraft’s Alleged Illicit Day Spa Activity

Kevin Kinkead - February 25, 2019

Bob Kraft, you know him. He owns a football team and a soccer team and he’s tight with Michael Rubin and Meek Mill.

He was also recently charged with soliciting prostitution in a sting involving 20+ other men who allegedly were, uh… we’ll say “seeking services” from a place called the “Orchids of Asia” day spa in Jupiter, Florida.

Today officials made public affidavits for those men, Kraft included, and that document was shared by CBS 12 West Palm Beach reporter Danielle Waugh:

My favorite part:

“At approximately 1102hrs, <redacted> began manipulating Kraft’s penis and testicles.”

You know TMZ is trying like to hell to acquire the video captured on ‘JPPD Cam 5.’ We’re talking Bryce Harper and Manny Machado levels of money that they would pay for that footage.

Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but you get the point. If someone lands that video, holy cow.

The Patriots’ Underdog Narrative is Sickening

Coggin Toboggan - January 21, 2019

The most successful and (likely) the most hated franchise in the NFL has SOMEHOW found another way to become even more reviled, more grotesque, more INFURIATING as they ready themselves to appear in their third straight Super Bowl appearance.

They’re claiming underdog status when they clearly don’t understand what an underdog is.

Let me repeat this:

A team that has been in the Super Bowl three straight years, and four times in the past five years, is trying to claim that they are the “underdogs” of the postseason. A team that went 11-5 in the regular season, has the greatest quarterback and coach combination to ever play in the National Football League, and is favored by Las Vegas in the Super Bowl are trying to play the scrappy underdog role in the postseason.

An elite team with the greatest quarterback to ever throw a pass in the NFL, who now suddenly has a resurgent running game to lean on, that has stayed largely healthy for the entire season, is going back to the Super Bowl FOR THE THIRD MOTHER FUCKING TIME IN A ROW.

Yep. They’re definitely just a bunch of knock-around guys picked off the scrap heap that caught lightning in a bottle and persevered against all odds. What a remarkable story.

You can’t so clearly be the Empire, coached by Emperor Palpatine and quarterbacked by Darth Vader, but claim to be the Rebel Alliance. It doesn’t work that way.

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Tackle the Quarterback, or Risk a Penalty?

Kevin Kinkead - October 15, 2018

You knew this was going to happen again.

Last night, a Kansas City Chiefs player pulled out of a tackle in fear of being flagged for roughing the passer, not dissimilar from the way Dolphins’ defensive end William Hayes injured himself a few weeks ago. 

It was 3rd and goal from the Chiefs’ four yard line and Tom Brady was moving down the field looking to put the Patriots ahead.

Pursuing the quarterback from behind, linebacker Breeland Speaks appeared to wrap Brady and then let go of him, allowing a rushing touchdown on the play:

Speaks spoke after the game, explaining that he let up because he felt like he was going to be whistled for a late hit.

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Tom Brady is Apparently Skipping Out on OTAs

Kevin Kinkead - May 21, 2018

Looks like Tom won’t be present for organized team activities in New England today:

Can you blame him? I wouldn’t wanna be there if I was a 40-year-old legend with five rings. I don’t need OTAs.

The reason this is a story is because Tom Brady always goes to the voluntary portion of OTAs. He never skips out. But after the Pats’ Super Bowl loss to the Eagles and some of the grumbling coming out of camp regarding fractures within the Brady/Bill Belichick/organizational structure, this makes it seem like those grumbles are truths, as Lane Johnson suggested back in the winter.

Brady was asked in April if he felt “appreciated” by the Patriots and provided this non-response:

So he decides to “plead the fifth” to that question and skips out on OTAs (allegedly). It might be small beans or it might be the crumbling of a long-standing dynasty, as if the Pats are the Western Roman Empire and the Eagles are the Germanic barbarians that finally got the job done.

Are Patriots Players Miserable?

Kevin Kinkead - March 16, 2018

This is a very loose rumor, but I think it’s our duty to share it anyway.

Because it’s about giving you, the reader, all of the information we can find. We report, you decide, just like FOX News.

This is not an attempt to frame a narrative about the contemptible and scandalous New England Patriots. This is fair and balanced journalism, free of bias.

A Boston sports anchor named Mike Giardi has a source who says some of the Pats aren’t exactly in a good spot right now:

Bill Belichick making people miserable? You don’t say!

From the story:

A source tells Mike Giardi some Patriots “don’t feel appreciated,” and Bill Belichick is making “planet players” (such as Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski) miserable.

Hmmm…

Giardi followed the NBC Sports Boston writeup with this tweet:

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Four Super Plays Flying Under the Radar

Sean Cottrell - February 6, 2018

There are so many heroes from the Eagles’ first ever Super Bowl victory.

The undrafted rookie, Corey Clement, led the team in receiving. Zach Ertz came through in the clutch, time after time, before scoring the game winning touchdown. Alshon Jeffery made two of the greatest catches in his life on the biggest stage. I still can’t believe this one:

LeGarrette Blount made his old team regret letting him walk. Brandon Graham crippled the evil empire with one swat of his hand, and Nick fucking Foles somehow eclipsed his NFC Championship game performance while taking down the greatest quarterback of all time.

It wasn’t such a great night for the Eagles’ defense, though. The unit that carried this team throughout the season was taken to task by Tom Brady. New England didn’t punt once. Even Brady, the ultimate competitor (and douchebag), threw a back-handed jab at the defense after the game when he was asked about Graham strip sack:

“They made a good play. They made one good play at the right time.”

Last night, in the midst of the overwhelming feeling of victory, or the 25 beers I drank, I agreed with him. But after re-watching the game, that wasn’t the case.

All week leading up to the game, everyone talked about the Patriots’ “bend but don’t break” defense, but it was the Eagles’ defense that didn’t break on Sunday, particularly in the first half where they made four plays that, looking back, had a major impact on the outcome of the game.

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The Eagles Should Introduce Every Single Player at the Parade

Kevin Kinkead - February 6, 2018

I’ve got this idea for the celebration, which starts at 11 a.m. on Thursday.

I would love to see the Eagles milk the hell out of this thing. Make it as long as possible. Whatever with the temperature; it’s a Super Bowl parade. We’ve never done one of these before. If people can’t stand outside in the cold for the Birds, then get ’em out of here!

They should announce every single player individually. Give each guy their moment in the spotlight. Why not? This was one of the most incredible collective team performances I’ve ever seen.

Here’s how it works.

You do the parade, okay? South Broad to the Art Museum. Lurie speaks. Howie speaks. Doug speaks. He shouts out all of the coaches, who do a short recap and say something to the crowd.

Then you go down the ENTIRE roster and give props to every single guy on the team with a brief blurb about what they did this season. It’s sort of like college graduation; you walk up the steps and get your diploma, but instead of just shooing you off the stage they actually say something nice about you.

They should have Merrill do it. Something like this:

Merrill Reese: “This next player was a rookie from West Virginia University, a corner back who picked off Eli Manning in week three… everybody make some noise for RASUL DOUGLAS!”

Crowd: “yea! awesome man! Rasuuuuuuul!”

Merrill Reese: “Next up is a guy who was a beast against the Chargers, with two tackles for loss and a big sack when the Birds needed one. He also has great hair! It’s BEAU ALLEN!”

Crowd: “Oh yea! Beau Allen baby, what a guy!”

Merrill Reese: “And this guy is a mean motherfucker! He blocked a punt in the playoffs and urged his teammates to rip the intestines out of the Patriots and keep them as trophies! It’s BRYAN BRAMAN!”

Crowd: “Yeeaaaaaaaaaa!”

Do that for everybody. Find something nice to say. I don’t care if it’s Shelton Gibson or Nate Gerry or whatever, everybody contributed in some way, shape, or form.

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