Posts for philadelphia

Diner en Blanc is the Dumbest Social Event in Philadelphia

Coggin Toboggan - August 23, 2019

Missed out on Diner en Blanc last night? No worries, you can still get in on all the action and experience it for yourself. Take $55 out of your wallet, put on your finest white wardrobe, make sure to stand outside in the heat until you’re drenched in sweat, and set that $55 on fire and watch it burn right before your eyes.

Congratulations, you just held your very own private Diner en Blanc and had as much fun as the rubes who went to the real thing last night.

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The Phillies’ First Round Selections Since 2004 Have Been Awful Overall

Coggin Toboggan - June 6, 2019

Reading a list of the Phillies’ first round picks since 2004 is like reading the IMDB page of Ashton Kutcher…. incredibly depressing and just bomb after bomb after bomb after bomb.

With 40 total rounds, the MLB Draft is a complete crap shoot, yes, but in the first round of the draft, the round you’ve had years to prepare for, to scout for, to research for….you should be able to pick at least a few players who actually MAKE your big league roster at one point or another. I’m not even talking about starting, or being a role player off the bench…I’m talking about making the roster and appearing in a Phillies uniform for just ONE GAME after being drafted in the first round.

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For the First Time in Six Seasons, Meaningful Baseball was Played at Citizens Bank Park

Coggin Toboggan - April 1, 2019

I’ll do it. I’ll be the first to eat my words after spewing so much shit about the Phillies for the last five months. I’ll gobble up the vitriol and bile I vomited out of my gob this entire offseason with a soup ladle after this weekend and ask for more if it means an entire season of Bryce Harper bombs and Rhys Hoskins mother-fuckering opposing pitchers for DARING to accidentally hit him with a high and tight pitch.

I’ll let John Middleton shit in his toupee and wear it around as a beard for a week.

I don’t care.

For the first time in six seasons meaningful baseball was played at Citizens Bank Park, and it was electric. Sure, they played a few games here and there from 2013 to 2018, but they never actually MEANT anything. We never had any hope for those teams. Any meaningful series played in that span was always something like, “hey, if the Phillies sweep this series they’ll pull within six games of the second wild card spot!” and they’d promptly drop two of three.

This was absolute domination of the defending NL East champions. The Braves should be placed into the MLB’s concussion protocol after that absolute thumping. The ringing of the Liberty Bell after each home run was only drowned out by the ringing in their ears after each haymaker the Phillies landed to their skull.

We’re being ushered into another golden age of Phillies baseball after suffering through six years of dreck. We earned this upcoming summer and (hopefully) fall for our years of doling out hard-earned money to see Ryne Sandberg over-manage games and Domonic Brown disappoint literally EVERYONE he came in contact with.

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Jason Kelce Signs Extension With Eagles

Coggin Toboggan - March 2, 2019

The hits keep on coming. Two days after the Eagles inked Brandon Graham to a new deal, the team announced an extension for former All-Pro and Pro Bowl center Jason Kelce that will keep him in Philly through the 2021 season.

Kelce signed the extension despite rumors he was considering retirement this offseason.

Kelce had two years remaining on a seven-year contract he signed in 2014, according to the Eagles. He will remain under contract with the Eagles for the next three seasons.

The news comes as a relief for Eagles fans after a writer and radio host for ESPN 610 reported in January that a non-NFL source indicated Kelce would “likely retire” in 2019.

 

Should the Phillies make Bryce Harper their Sugar Baby?

Coggin Toboggan - February 28, 2019

The Phillies have money. Oodles of money. It’s the finest and biggest draw that the organization has right now in terms of luring players to don the red pinstripes for 2019.

Bryce Harper wants money. He wants lots of money. Exorbitant amounts of money. His agent and human garbage pile Scott Boras wants lots of money to keep himself in hair plugs for the rest of his days.

But Bryce Harper doesn’t want the Phillies. At this point in the long, LONG drawn out free agency process that much is clear. He’d much rather play for a team on the West Coast than cast his lot in Philadelphia.

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Markelle Fultz and Orlando Will be a Perfect Match

Coggin Toboggan - February 15, 2019

An old Chinese riddle has puzzled philosophers and seekers of truth for decades.

“If the first overall pick of the NBA draft takes a parting shot at the city and the coach that supported him for two angst-filled years, does anyone care?”

All apologies to Danny Watkins, but the biggest draft bust in Philadelphia history just couldn’t help himself. Markelle Fultz couldn’t resist taking one last passive aggressive shot at the coaching staff, fans, and city that cheered every awkward attempted three pointer, every herky jerky free throw, and every head-scratching excuse for an ever-devolving jump shot the cherubic cheeked failure could throw at us.

At least this time he said it to reporters instead of posting it on social media like a 16-year-old girl who was just dumped by her boyfriend before the big Spring Fling Dance.

You really can’t trust NO ONE !! How could he have done this to me?!” We get it, Emma, enough already.

Talking to the assembled Orlando Magic media for the first time since being traded for a case of floor wax and Jonathon Simmons, Fultz decided it would be the perfect opportunity to toss a molotov cocktail at the franchise that went to exorbitant lengths to protect him and his delicate psyche at every turn.

During his introductory press conference, Fultz pontificated on what excited him about the change of scenery from Philadelphia and what would enable him to be a better player for Orlando:

“It just excites me to know that I have a coach that’s going to push you to be better and not just going to tell you what you want to hear,” Fultz said.

Oh, so that’s what Fultz needed….he just needed some tough love to reach the dizzying heights of a so far wasted professional career. He wasn’t held back by a mysterious pseudo-injury, or the yips, or a domineering mother, or his inability to ride a BMX bike…no no no, it was the yes men in Philadelphia that didn’t challenge him enough who held him back from truly being great.

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Angry Doug Pederson Is The Best Doug Pederson

Coggin Toboggan - September 5, 2018

Folksy Doug Pederson has left the building and he’s taken his homespun yarns with him. Angry Doug Pederson is here this year and he’s leaving a ravaged media corps(e) in his wake.

The media hates it. They hate Angry Doug, they hate his testiness and his unwillingness to answer question after question about the quarterback situation and when Carson Wentz will be cleared for contact or when he might start or exactly how big Nick Foles’s penis is (ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG) or what they should say to that girl they like to get her to notice them.

And Doug is having none of it. Gone are niceties. Forget bowls of ice cream this season, Doug Pederson is treating the media to big old bowls of SHUT THE HELL UP and making sure they down every last drop before they’re allowed to leave the big boy table.

Most fans absolutely love it to the utter BEWILDERMENT of the local media.

Doug has earned the love, and if he wants to be cranky, he gets to be cranky.

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Is Jim Schwartz Smart Enough to Understand He’s Not a Head Coach?

Coggin Toboggan - January 8, 2018

If you believe the rumors, next year Jim Schwartz will be the newest head coach of the New York Giants. Or the Arizona Cardinals. Or the Indianapolis Colts. Or the Chicago Bears. Every off-season one assistant coach or coordinator is the hot coaching ticket to fill one of the vacancies for the numerous shit-canned head coaches from the previous season.

I understand why the Giants’ fan base would be excited to hire a guy like Schwartz. Great defensive coordinator. Firey attitude. Smart, sharp hairline without a trace of hair gel to remind them of the ex-greaser failure Ben McAdoo.

But here’s the thing….Jim Schwartz is not head coaching material and hopefully he’s smart enough to know it.

Schwartz has a good thing going with the Eagles. The media loves him, he gets to coach an extraordinarily young and talented group of defenders, and he doesn’t have to worry about ANYTHING on the other side of the ball. All of his energy can be used to cook up new and intricate defensive schemes to terrorize NFC East opponents and administer vast amounts of head trauma to opposing quarterbacks.

It’s perfect for him, and at the same time it’s what made him such an abject failure as a head coach in Detroit.

Oh, do you not recall his tenure as head coach of the Detroit Lions? It’s probably because he went 29-51 over the course of five forgettable seasons. Yes, he went 10-6 one year, but the one thing anyone even remotely remembers about that season was his tug of war handshake with Jim Harbaugh. Do you remember anything else? I’m sure Matt Stafford threw a few touchdowns to Calvin Johnson – with fans getting excited because THIS WAS THE YEAR the Lions would actually “make some noise” in the playoffs – and then threw some horrendous interceptions in their one and only playoff game and that was the end of the season…what else could have happened? Continue Reading

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