Posts for philadelphia

Should the Phillies make Bryce Harper their Sugar Baby?

Coggin Toboggan - February 28, 2019

The Phillies have money. Oodles of money. It’s the finest and biggest draw that the organization has right now in terms of luring players to don the red pinstripes for 2019.

Bryce Harper wants money. He wants lots of money. Exorbitant amounts of money. His agent and human garbage pile Scott Boras wants lots of money to keep himself in hair plugs for the rest of his days.

But Bryce Harper doesn’t want the Phillies. At this point in the long, LONG drawn out free agency process that much is clear. He’d much rather play for a team on the West Coast than cast his lot in Philadelphia.

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Markelle Fultz and Orlando Will be a Perfect Match

Coggin Toboggan - February 15, 2019

An old Chinese riddle has puzzled philosophers and seekers of truth for decades.

“If the first overall pick of the NBA draft takes a parting shot at the city and the coach that supported him for two angst-filled years, does anyone care?”

All apologies to Danny Watkins, but the biggest draft bust in Philadelphia history just couldn’t help himself. Markelle Fultz couldn’t resist taking one last passive aggressive shot at the coaching staff, fans, and city that cheered every awkward attempted three pointer, every herky jerky free throw, and every head-scratching excuse for an ever-devolving jump shot the cherubic cheeked failure could throw at us.

At least this time he said it to reporters instead of posting it on social media like a 16-year-old girl who was just dumped by her boyfriend before the big Spring Fling Dance.

You really can’t trust NO ONE !! How could he have done this to me?!” We get it, Emma, enough already.

Talking to the assembled Orlando Magic media for the first time since being traded for a case of floor wax and Jonathon Simmons, Fultz decided it would be the perfect opportunity to toss a molotov cocktail at the franchise that went to exorbitant lengths to protect him and his delicate psyche at every turn.

During his introductory press conference, Fultz pontificated on what excited him about the change of scenery from Philadelphia and what would enable him to be a better player for Orlando:

“It just excites me to know that I have a coach that’s going to push you to be better and not just going to tell you what you want to hear,” Fultz said.

Oh, so that’s what Fultz needed….he just needed some tough love to reach the dizzying heights of a so far wasted professional career. He wasn’t held back by a mysterious pseudo-injury, or the yips, or a domineering mother, or his inability to ride a BMX bike…no no no, it was the yes men in Philadelphia that didn’t challenge him enough who held him back from truly being great.

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Angry Doug Pederson Is The Best Doug Pederson

Coggin Toboggan - September 5, 2018

Folksy Doug Pederson has left the building and he’s taken his homespun yarns with him. Angry Doug Pederson is here this year and he’s leaving a ravaged media corps(e) in his wake.

The media hates it. They hate Angry Doug, they hate his testiness and his unwillingness to answer question after question about the quarterback situation and when Carson Wentz will be cleared for contact or when he might start or exactly how big Nick Foles’s penis is (ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG) or what they should say to that girl they like to get her to notice them.

And Doug is having none of it. Gone are niceties. Forget bowls of ice cream this season, Doug Pederson is treating the media to big old bowls of SHUT THE HELL UP and making sure they down every last drop before they’re allowed to leave the big boy table.

Most fans absolutely love it to the utter BEWILDERMENT of the local media.

Doug has earned the love, and if he wants to be cranky, he gets to be cranky.

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Is Jim Schwartz Smart Enough to Understand He’s Not a Head Coach?

Coggin Toboggan - January 8, 2018

If you believe the rumors, next year Jim Schwartz will be the newest head coach of the New York Giants. Or the Arizona Cardinals. Or the Indianapolis Colts. Or the Chicago Bears. Every off-season one assistant coach or coordinator is the hot coaching ticket to fill one of the vacancies for the numerous shit-canned head coaches from the previous season.

I understand why the Giants’ fan base would be excited to hire a guy like Schwartz. Great defensive coordinator. Firey attitude. Smart, sharp hairline without a trace of hair gel to remind them of the ex-greaser failure Ben McAdoo.

But here’s the thing….Jim Schwartz is not head coaching material and hopefully he’s smart enough to know it.

Schwartz has a good thing going with the Eagles. The media loves him, he gets to coach an extraordinarily young and talented group of defenders, and he doesn’t have to worry about ANYTHING on the other side of the ball. All of his energy can be used to cook up new and intricate defensive schemes to terrorize NFC East opponents and administer vast amounts of head trauma to opposing quarterbacks.

It’s perfect for him, and at the same time it’s what made him such an abject failure as a head coach in Detroit.

Oh, do you not recall his tenure as head coach of the Detroit Lions? It’s probably because he went 29-51 over the course of five forgettable seasons. Yes, he went 10-6 one year, but the one thing anyone even remotely remembers about that season was his tug of war handshake with Jim Harbaugh. Do you remember anything else? I’m sure Matt Stafford threw a few touchdowns to Calvin Johnson – with fans getting excited because THIS WAS THE YEAR the Lions would actually “make some noise” in the playoffs – and then threw some horrendous interceptions in their one and only playoff game and that was the end of the season…what else could have happened? Continue Reading

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Enough with Don Tollefson

Coggin Toboggan - December 6, 2017

The Don Tollefson redemption tour has officially started.

In case you missed it, NBC 10’s Jim Rosenfield spoke with Tollefson about the disgraced sportscaster’s role in scamming over $340,000 from sports fans through his charity’s fundraisers, selling more than 200 people bogus tickets and travel packages that never materialized or came to any type of fruition.

Enough with Don Tollefson.

I understand why he’s still a story, and why NBC 10 would want to interview him, but did the interview have to have such a feel good vibe to it? Literally the first words of the piece are Tollefson saying, “I feel tremendous!” and Rosenfeld then commenting that Tollefson “looked fit when we sat down to talk.”

NBC 10 made sure to first establish that Tollefson looks well after his lengthy prison stay. Perfect. Everyone was very worried that Tollefson’s stint in prison may have left him looking haggard and unrested.

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Don’t Pray for Dolphins Fans, They’re Already Dead

Coggin Toboggan - October 31, 2017

Poor Miami Dolphins fans. First the franchise loses its young, FINALLY successful quarterback Ryan Tannehill when he shredded every ligament in his knee during a non-contact play in training camp. THEN they decided to replace him with a barely coherent and decidedly uninterested Jay Cutler, who likely spent all off-season ripping Marlboro Reds and “training” for his new job as an announcer for CBS. Surprisingly, that well-thought-out move has not been a good one, to the tune of Cutler averaging 165 yards per game with only seven touchdowns, five interceptions, and 8 million blank-faced stares as he wondered why he decided to come out of retirement for this. FOR THIS.

Their offensive line coach took a video of himself allegedly snorting rails of cocaine to impress a stripper that was PROMPTLY released to social media…which may not even be the most embarrassing thing to happen to the franchise in the month of October, considering they just traded an All-Pro running back who is only 24 years old and under contract next season for $765,000.

Oh yeah, and there was a hurricane in there somewhere as well. That sucked.

Sorry, Miami. It’s been a rough Fall for everyone involved…so lets continue to pile on, shall we? Lets take a look at some of the most tortured Tweets from this morning from our friends down in the Sunshine State after the jump.

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The Process is Dead, Long Live The Process

Coggin Toboggan - October 18, 2017

The 76ers season starts in earnest tonight, driving the last nail into the coffin of The Process, the singular greatest/worst/cheapest franchise strategy ever seen in the NBA.

It was three years of either unending entertainment and a collective “fuck you” to the NBA and its team owners, or three years of unending embarrassment for fans that had to watch win totals of 19, 18, and 10 from 2013 to 2016.

It was awesome.

I’m sorry, it was. There has never been a bigger divide among Sixers fans in this franchise’s history. NEVER. You either were all-in, deifying Sam Hinkie as the genius architect of The Process, or you cursed Hinkie as a jowly, overly analytical loser who purposefully made the franchise so bad that they could acquire a greater amount of precious, precious “assets” in the hopes that one of them would eventually pan out.

I fucking loved it. The idea that a pale nerd, who looks like he could hardly dribble a basketball, turned the NBA on its head by declaring that the Sixers would SEEK to be awful (and thus improve their chances to be great) and could evoke such tremendous emotion from basketball fans throughout the country is insane.

It was a shadowy practice only discussed in half-joking, hushed tones from fans, put into practice from possibly the least impressive looking man that has ever stepped foot on a basketball court in any fashion.

You loved Hinkie or you hated him. People either wanted to punch him or fuck him. There was no in-between.

Blogs were created purely to discuss his genius. Podcasts were launched. His swollen face and sly grin are plastered on t-shirts that grown men proudly wear in public. Sixers Twitter exploded, with his legion of followers ready to pounce on the non-believers who dared to question his vision, or who didn’t understand his devotion to second round draft picks, or his willingness to swindle salary-cap-strained franchises with an eye for a payoff YEARS down the road. Continue Reading

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Markelle Fultz Declared a Bust by the Dumbest Twitter Has to Offer

Coggin Toboggan - October 5, 2017

Are we really doing this? Seriously, are we already cursing the heavens for our foul luck with drafting Markelle Fultz? We’re calling him a bust in this city after ONE preseason game? Hell, people were writing him off after one half last night, so I guess if you waited until the end of the game you were a bit more balanced in your assessment.


True, Fultz did look a little lost at times last night and struggled to get anything going offensively. Weird that a 19-year-old would be overwhelmed playing in his first professional NBA game. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

The Sixers Twitter overreaction to his first taste of NBA basketball is insane. The way morons were tweeting about his demise you’d have thought there was a line of people at the Ben Franklin Bridge waiting to cast themselves to their watery grave. Should’ve taken Lonzoooooooooooooooooooooo. Splash.

These Tweets deserve your mockery and scorn. In the Victorian ages, their authors would’ve been forced to wear a scarlet “O” on their lapels and publicly shamed for the rest of their miserable existences (O for “overreacter”…Nathaniel Hawthorne loves that reference, believe me).

And we’re officially ROCKETING out of the gate. Incoherent complaint? Check. Use of a vulgar slur to describe Fultz’s play? Check. Declaring Fultz needs to prove you wrong after one half of poor play? Check. That’s the good stuff. Harrison, I salute your ham-handed attempt at criticism. Continue Reading

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