"Chad… Chad, we're breaking up with you. You're horrible in bed and have a small penis."
"Well, can you at least set me up with one of your friends?"
It turns out, Chad Qualls may be more unlikable than you first thought.
Speaking to reporters today, Qualls said that, upon hearing the news that he was designated for assignment, he asked the Phillies to be traded.
"I asked Ruben to trade me and that's basically what he's trying to do," Qualls said. "I think they have eight to 10 days to try to do that, so right now he just kind of said that I'm in baseball limbo. They wanted a little bit more consistency. Hopefully, the move is better for the team."
"I felt like I had been throwing the ball well all June," Qualls said. "I had only given up runs in two outings this June. No excuses for (Wednesday). I felt like I was throwing the ball better, but the organization felt like they wanted to make a move and that's fine."
“I expect a lot more out of myself. I could have thrown the ball a lot better while I was here. I could have been more consistent. I don't want to say I'm a scapegoat or anything like that. This is just the move the organization wants to make."
“I feel like I'm a big-league pitcher,” Qualls said. “I've been doing this a long time. If I go out there yesterday and actually have a 1-2-3 inning, we're not having this conversation at all. It's a little weird that we're here.”
It’s also a little weird the way Qualls combs his hair. But we’re not bringing that up, are we?
If Qualls isn’t traded or claimed on waivers, the Phillies can either assign him to the minors or release him. If the overweight pitcher were to decline an assignment to the minors, he would forfeit roughly half of his $1.15 million salary.
When addressing the prospect of trading Qualls, Amaro replied, presumably smugly: “At this point, there has not been any interest out there.”
I'm sure the Big Poker is going to spend about a grand total of seven minutes trying to trade Qualls, with six of those minutes consisting of Amaro looking in the mirror and flexing his muscles.