Posts for qualls

Chad Qualls Would Prefer a Trade, Mr. Amaro

Kyle Scott - June 28, 2012

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"Chad… Chad, we're breaking up with you. You're horrible in bed and have a small penis."

"Well, can you at least set me up with one of your friends?"

"No, Chad."

It turns out, Chad Qualls may be more unlikable than you first thought.

Speaking to reporters today, Qualls said that, upon hearing the news that he was designated for assignment, he asked the Phillies to be traded.

According to reports, Qualls was not happy with his treatment, saying: [via and CSNPhilly]

"I asked Ruben to trade me and that's basically what he's trying to do," Qualls said. "I think they have eight to 10 days to try to do that, so right now he just kind of said that I'm in baseball limbo. They wanted a little bit more consistency. Hopefully, the move is better for the team."

"I felt like I had been throwing the ball well all June," Qualls said. "I had only given up runs in two outings this June. No excuses for (Wednesday). I felt like I was throwing the ball better, but the organization felt like they wanted to make a move and that's fine."

“I expect a lot more out of myself. I could have thrown the ball a lot better while I was here. I could have been more consistent. I don't want to say I'm a scapegoat or anything like that. This is just the move the organization wants to make."

“I feel like I'm a big-league pitcher,” Qualls said. “I've been doing this a long time. If I go out there yesterday and actually have a 1-2-3 inning, we're not having this conversation at all. It's a little weird that we're here.”


It’s also a little weird the way Qualls combs his hair. But we’re not bringing that up, are we?

If Qualls isn’t traded or claimed on waivers, the Phillies can either assign him to the minors or release him. If the overweight pitcher were to decline an assignment to the minors, he would forfeit roughly half of his $1.15 million salary.

When addressing the prospect of trading Qualls, Amaro replied, presumably smugly: “At this point, there has not been any interest out there.”

I'm sure the Big Poker is going to spend about a grand total of seven minutes trying to trade Qualls, with six of those minutes consisting of Amaro looking in the mirror and flexing his muscles.

Chad Qualls Designated for Assignment

Kyle Scott - June 28, 2012

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I’ll be honest. As a fan, I’m elated that no-good, chubby, sad-looking Grimace creature has been designated for assignment.

As a blogger, I’m disappointed that I’ll no longer be able to use that moniker to describe Qualls. 

Usually, my goals and desires as a fan align exactly with my goals and desires as someone who makes a living off a blog– teams win: I’m happy, site does well. But I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t just a bit sadstons that I won’t be able to continue with the Grimace theme we introduced in this morning’s Wood. Still, though, it will be nice to not see that loser on the mound anymore.

Ruben Amaro’s offseason moves continue to prove to be subpar. He signed Qualls to a one-year, $1.15 million deal. Qualls had two no-better-than-average seasons in 2010 and 2011, the latter of which he played on the moon known as Petco Park, which is very much a pitcher’s paradise.

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Now Qualls is likely done and the Phillies have filled his void with… Jeremy Horst. WHO?! No idea (the guy we got for Wilson Valdez). Don’t care. But Qualls is gone, so we’ll rejoice. 

Chad Qualls Throws to First, Falls Down

Kyle Scott - June 10, 2012

Though Chad Qualls pitched well yesterday (before some guy I literally never heard, making his Major League debut, gave up a game-winning home run), he still couldn’t escape the mound without first doing something embarrassing. In this case, a pickoff attempt, gone awry.

Someone forgot to tell Qualls to put his ice skates on.

Former Major Leaguer Morgan Ensberg Rips Hamels, Chad Qualls Defends His Teammate

Kyle Scott - May 7, 2012

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I am 4-1 with a 2.45 ERA and a really big bottle of champagne…. who's next?

Punch Cole Hamels! Punch Cole Hamels! Step right up and punch Cole Hamels… again and again and again!

Truth by told, I had Mike Schmidt in the Next to Opine on Cole Hamels pool. I didn’t have former Major Leaguer Morgan Ensberg, who co-hosts a radio show on Sirius-XM. 

Ensberg, a career .263 hitter, tweeted:

Cole Hammels [sic] disappointed me today by hitting Harper. No honor there. Whoever is the leader on that team doesn't have control.


Shots fired… by Morgan Ensberg.

Thankfully for your reading pleasure (and my blogging wet dream), PHILLIES RELIEF PITCHER CHAD QUALLS (!!!) responded:



For realsies.


Lame Chad. There is zero reason to do that. You know that. Unreal that you would think that is ok.



They hit Cole right back but said not on purpose. Yeah right. At least Cole was a man and didn't lie about it.


YES. A blogger’s wet dream: current players arguing – on Twitter – with former teammates about their current teammate’s actions.

[Charlie Manuel, however, disagreed with Qualls. The manager told WIP this afternoon: "I wish he would have been a little been more… what do you call it… not so honest? Dishonest? Discrete, yeah, that might be the right word."]

Unfortunately for our passion, Qualls pointed out that he and Ensberg are friendly:

Morgan and myself go way back. We are ex teammates and friends back in our Astro days.


Yeah yeah, you don’t hate each other– I get it. Qualls kept going, though… to no one in particular:

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I'm a man! Come at me. I'm a man!

Who’s next to swing at Cole?! I’ve got coffee and a keyboard.

Phillies Sign Chad Qualls

Kyle Scott - January 31, 2012

Ruben Amaro is determined to sign every over-30 player available. The Phillies have signed Chad Qualls to a one-year, $1.15 million deal. 

Another upside move for The Big Poker– Qualls, 33, was 6-8 with a 3.51 ERA and a 1.25 WHIP last season in the Padres‘ ginormous park.

The Phillies' focus this offseason has been on rounding out the roster with experienced Major League players, not infusing the aging lineup with young talent. It's clear that they are going for broke while the Halladay-Lee window is still wide open. And we wouldn't want it any other way.