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Yesterday, the Sixers sent a season ticket renewal email (and brochure!), signed by Adam Aron, to members of the Franklin Club, the hokily-named club for the poor souls who wasted their hard-earned money on bullshit this season. You can find a lot of things wrong with the letter, but mostly, it’s just too long and rambly, like a drunken note to a scorned lover. No way should things like this ever approach 853 words. Never. Not ever. But if it wasn’t so damn offensive and silly, no one would have noticed.

You can read the entire thing after the jump (it has to be the third-longest letter to season ticket holders in NBA history). But here are a few passages that really popped:

When I think back to how this current season started, we all had such high hopes that this would be a year in which the Sixers would soar to new heights. Right out of the box, a new ownership group demonstrated its commitment to restoring the Sixers to glory, through its sole focus both on your team and the experience you receive each game at the Wells Fargo Center. Last season’s improved play on the court, culminating in a dazzling playoff run, was complemented by enhancements to the show that surrounds the game itself. And then we created one new benefit after another for being a season ticket holder in the creation of the Franklin Club – as but three examples among many: you can dine in the Cadillac Grill; you can come to the games early and watch your favorite NBA players warm-up in private; and you were not alone in watching your Sixers play, as notable sports heroes and celebrities came to game after game.

Um, what?

If you’re from Philadelphia, or anywhere near it, you just rolled your eyes. Watching teams warm-up and notable sports heroes and celebrities??? Are you kidding me with that shit? You know where else you can find these things? EVERY PROFESSIONAL SPORTING EVENT, PRETTY MUCH EVER. Who are we talking about here, ex-Sixers and Terrence Howard? Really, tell me. Because this list isn’t doing it for me:

…the 76ers architected a trade that brought the Western Conference’s starting All Star Center last season to the Sixers roster.

Offensive. This is Philadelphia, where our baseball team is loaded with stars… where our hockey team is always among the most competitive and highest-spending in the league… and where our football team consistently has top-flight talent. Newsflash: YOUR TEAM SHOULD HAVE ALL-STARS. I’m soooo sick and tired of the Sixers talking about how they got the starting center of the Western Conference All-Star team. Imagine if the Eagles sent out a letter saying that, although it didn’t work out, they brought an AFC All-Pro cornerback to their roster. Just think about that for a moment.  

As a result, keen observers from near and far immediately began touting the Sixers as being among the NBA’s most competitive and contending teams. Unfortunately though, as we all know, sport can be cruel. Injuries have plagued the Sixers all year, and dashed our dreams for what might have been in the 2012-2013 season.

Tell me more, oh great fairy godmother! Did the villagers make it through the cold winter? Might I, too, one day be visited be a handsome prince?!

I’ve read goddamned children’s book that were less clichéd than the shit spewing from the Sixers front office.

We will either have on the floor the fruits of our trade from last summer, or instead we will have considerable cap space to participate in the free agency market.

Oh good! I have the utmost confidence in Tony DiLeo to make this work. 

It’s that time of year to continue your commitment to the Sixers, by renewing your Season Tickets for the 2013-2014 season. We have intentionally held pricing changes this season flat or modest for all Franklin Club Silver and Gold members. The vast majority of seats in the open lower and mezzanine bowls this year will have the same season ticket price or less than that of last year, and not a one will have a season ticket price increase averaging more than $2 per game (excluding the so-called “inside the dasher “ seats or suites/clubbox seats). And as a season ticket holder and Franklin Club Member, not only are you guaranteed to have the same great seat location for each and every game and a wide array of Franklin Club member benefits, but your season ticket holder price also assures you of a significant discount. Compared to buying an individual game ticket at face price for each game, you will enjoy a discount of at least 20% or more on average.

Too. Many. Words. And the Franklin Club is entirely too confusing. How many miles do I have to fly before I reach Gold status?

[click to enlarge]

We want to see you in your seats at Sixers games next season. To thank you for renewing your season tickets, we will give you with our compliments a handsome Adidas 76ers warm-up jacket. As you would expect, these jackets are of fine Adidas quality (One free jacket will be awarded per renewing account, regardless of the number of seats renewed). 

SWELL, PAPA! My very own Adidas warm-up jacket with a compass in the stock and this thing with which tells time!!!! 

You better be careful, though– you don’t want to shoot your eye out. Actually… you might, when you read the full thing after the jump.

H/T to Chris

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