In case you were an NFL player who couldn’t afford a taxi or car service on your own (league minimum salary is $405,000), boy do we have great news for you, you poor, stranded bastard: Today, the NFLPA and Uber announced a partnership that will provide free rides to NFL players and their closest friends and family in an effort to promote safety, responsibility and the embarassing admission that many NFL players are real idiots with no ability to control themselves or think clearly when they drink (thanks, Riley Cooper!):

Uber Technologies and the NFL Players Association are proud to announce a new partnership that will provide professional football players with safe and convenient transportation during the 2013-14 NFL season. The innovative alliance between Uber, a company that connects riders to drivers in more than 40 cities around the globe and the NFLPA, the union that represents NFL players, is the first for Uber in professional sports.

Uber Rides allows NFL players to leverage smartphone technology to connect to reliable drivers in a matter of minutes. The partnership underscores the NFLPA’s ongoing commitment to ensuring its members have access to safe, discreet and professional transportation when they need it and highlights Uber’s dedication to providing high-quality service to people all over the world who desire reliable rides without sacrificing style.

Beginning this month, NFL players will be able to summon a ride in any of Uber’s international locations, including nearly 20 U.S. NFL team cities and Pro Bowl host Honolulu. Once a ride is requested via Uber’s smartphone app, the software will display the car’s location on a map and an Uber will arrive within minutes.

Phew, thank God they’ll provide rides in Hawaii to the richest, most successful and visible players. Those guys can never afford a touristy cab fare.

Pro Football Talk reports that each player will receive a $200 credit. Uber rides cost a $7 base fare plus around $4 per mile.

NFLPA Player Representative Zak DeOssie of the New York Giants said, “We wanted to partner with a company that could not only provide a service but also provide a technology and messaging platform that makes it easy to promote responsibility to our players and fans.”

Uber and the NFLPA will distribute personalized keychain cards containing ride credits to every active NFL player. The partnership will also provide players with new rider gift cards for friends and family to promote responsibility to those closest to them. NFLPA Player Representatives will be sharing the details of the program with all active players during the month of September.

Somewhere, Marcus Vick is already getting crunked. MY BROTHER GOT ME SOME FREE LIMO CREDITS! LET’S SELL THEM AND THEN USE THE MONEY TO BUY WEED THAT WE CAN SMOKE IN THE CAR ON THE WAY HOME!!!

Uber is a great service, so we can’t snark about that. It’s not clear if the NFLPA is paying Uber or if this is strictly a promotional campaign for the car service. But it doesn’t really matter. We’ve now reached a point, America, where we can’t count on millionaire athletes not to get in a car drunk and kill us, Donte Stallworth, so… we’ll just provide them with free rides so the league and its players protect themselves from the inevitable disaster. 

Next up: domestic violence preventative mace wristlets! The next time your NFL hubby gets heated, cool him off with a little pepper spray! Brought to you by the Exes of Cincinnati Bengals for a Better America (EOCBFABA).